Question: I am writing about a very painful matter that unfortunately other parents are struggling with as well. As I write this letter at the end of July my daughter does not yet have a high school for next year. I will leave aside the larger communal issue of children not getting into schools because I don’t think this is the forum for it but suffice it to say that she is an excellent girl with middos tovos and has had good grades throughout elementary school. She is keeping up a pretty strong face but I know this is bothering her terribly. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to hear all her friends talk about their plans for next year while she has none. While I am hopeful that things will work out, in the end, this is a stressful time for the whole family. I would greatly appreciate your advice on how to help her/us through this difficult time.
Ouch! That is very painful, especially for children, who have limited capacity to cope with such adversity. Considering that this issue has recently been mentioned in several public community forums, it is a timely topic. I have done some research on this and wanted to make two general points before offering specific advice.
Overall, there seems to be two primary causes for this problem. The first is related to rapidly growing communities that don’t have the infrastructure to keep pace with development. I have learned that in Lakewood there is an annual shortage of approximately 100 desks in each incoming girls’ 9th grade. To deal with this challenge, there is a team of wonderful Askonim, backed by influential community members and Rabbonim who work tirelessly to ensure that everyone is eventually placed. Girls who don’t yet have a school should therefore be informed that this shortage affects the most wonderful students, but is almost always temporary.
The second cause is less relevant to your specific question, but applies to the match between a particular student and a school. There are numerous factors that determine if a particular school is a good fit for a child including academics, social/behavioral issues, culture, and level of religiosity. While parents as well as older students often push for brand name schools, it is usually in their best long-term interest to find a school that is a good fit even if less prestigious. I am Psychologist at a special education school in Brooklyn. Sadly, many parents will not consider it for struggling children who may benefit immeasurably from the small classes, nurturing and warm staff, and most of all, from the remedial services that these students desperately need.
Regarding your daughter, rejection is difficult to deal with especially when compounded with worry for one’s future. The central message should be that a) you were not accepted YET (as opposed to you were rejected) and b) this is due to a flawed system and nothing to do with her. In addition, the following are important general parenting strategies that will help promote resiliency in children, enabling them to cope more effectively with similar challenges.
First, acknowledge painful emotions. When children feel understood it makes them emotionally stronger and equips them to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. When your daughter is upset, rather than saying things like “it’s nothing”, acknowledge that it is so disappointing and hurtful when her friends have schools and she doesn’t. People need understanding and comfort before they are ready to consider the next step.
Second, try to set the general tone that failure and disappointments are welcome and provide a learning experience. This is alluded to in the Posuk in Mishlei, Sheva Yipul Tzadik V’kom. Practically, this means that if we are rejected by one school, we will keep trying until we find the right one. An important key to success in life is persistence despite setbacks.
Finally, keep rejection in the proper perspective and don’t let it define who she is. Children should receive the message that their value is connected to their essence as a bas yisroel as well as their middos and character. It is not connected to their school, their achievements, or to any school’s opinion of them. Children who are regularly exposed to the message that they are inherently good for who they are will be more resilient to these setbacks.
May Hashem help you find the right school soon and end this difficult challenge.
Originally appeared in the Yated Neeman.