Written correspondence with a Footsteps defender.
I question the motives of the Footsteps Organization. If, as they state in their promotional materials, it is an opportunity to provide young adults with opportunities for emotional support, financial assistance, and the right of self-determination, there are many opportunities to strive towards these goals within the Orthodox community. Taking the total "break off ties" as advocated (or subtly encouraged) by the Footsteps organization can lead to the exact psychiatric challenges they claim to prevent. This point is especially salient with vulnerable young adults. A more balanced approach of helping the parents and community members see the value in allowing some flexibility has been successfully accomplished with many adolescents and young adults. In fact, I sent the Footsteps organization the following email, which, to date, remains unanswered.
To whom it may concern,
I am a Clinical Psychologist based in Brooklyn, New York. I have offices in Williamsburg and Boro Park and work with the Chassidish community, though I am not Chassidish myself. I have heard about your organization from two people who I am working with professionally and saw your website and some YouTube videos last night. I understand what you stand for and am not opposed to the concept, especially the aspects of providing confused adolescents/young adults with social, emotional, and financial support. This is particularly important in situations where the parents have cut off the children--both financially and psychologically. However, from my professional experience, an alternative (and perhaps more effective) option would be to offer them these services within their communities. Obviously, this option would only be relevant for those who choose to remain within the community. I am aware of resources within the Orthodox community that would be willing to assist in this regard (providing financial and academic options and, where necessary, to develop communication with one's family of origin, where possible). If you wish to explore this further, I'd be glad to meet you at your location of choice.
Thank you very much,
Charles Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
Lani (Santos) said repeatedly on our videos that Footsteps doesn't advocate or encourage (subtly, or any other way) to leave orthodoxy or to cut ties with anyone. If someone chooses on their own to leave, Footsteps is there to help them, if someone chooses to stay, Foosteps will help them as well. Watch the videos, every one of your points are addressed multiple times.
Footsteps defender (FD)
Thank you for the clarification. Yes, you are correct. She did state that Footsteps is geared specifically toward those looking for a “way out”. She also claimed that she will refer elsewhere those who wish to remain religious. Nevertheless, I believe that Footstep’s approach is fundamentally flawed from both a religious and mental health perspective.
I don’t believe that it is a secret that people are attracted to Footsteps due to emotional pain resulting from all sorts of abuse, trauma, and other mental health challenges (including mood and personality disorders) as well as LGBT related struggles. Even those who join for ostensibly theological reasons likely have histories of the above. This pain is often accompanied by feelings of isolation, alienation, entrapment, and/or abandonment. To the credit of Footsteps, they are successfully able to tap into this pain and provide for their social and financial needs via creating a support system as well as providing resources to assist members in jump-starting their careers. However, from a religious perspective, the fact that they express their desire to leave religion or their families/communities of origin is irrelevant at this point in their lives. Young adults in turmoil are often incapable of exercising fair judgment during times of crises. The relevant issue is escape from pain and leaving one’s past behind in a sudden fashion is often counterproductive. If the judgment of these young adults are clouded, it is incumbent on Footsteps staff to exercise responsibility and caution when guiding them. Taking their words at face value is tantamount to providing copious amounts of alcohol or drugs to those in emotional turmoil based on their request to dull their pain. While Footsteps staff may not officially take an “official” anti-religious stance, it is no secret that this is the air one breathes there—from scheduling events on Shabbos, to offering non-Kosher food, to the general climate and conversation exhibited by Footsteps membership. Sending vulnerable young adults to this environment is equivalent to providing alcohol and drugs to emotionally vulnerable people (even if the hosts offer alcohol free options and even if the hosts doesn’t actively encourage drinking). Furthermore, from a mental health perspective, a systemic approach, involving an attempt at reconciliation, problem-solving and compromise with one’s family of origin and even with G-d can go further toward long-term mental health. Cutting off ties based on the request of a young adult in turmoil is not always the healthiest choice and may exacerbate current mental-health challenges. Finally, Footsteps failure to balance their staff with both professionals and activists from their communities of origin who can create this bridge and reconciliation is another example of a more sinister agenda at play here.
Respectfully,
Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
Chaim Neuhoff, do you get paid by the assumption? Not of your litany of accusations are true. I could go down the list, but there's no need. People go to Footsteps because they're done being Orthodox, for whatever reason. The Orthodox community failed them, and they've chosen to look elsewhere. What you're asking Footsteps to do is like asking a Jewish rabbi to tell a potential Baal Teshuva to check out Christianity, because you never know, it might be a better fit.
FD
Hi _______,
Please be aware that these were not assumptions. These are facts based on personal discussions with several individuals who have frequented Footsteps as well as written accounts from an entire genre of books and articles written by those who have joined Footsteps. I have made two core points that I will repeat.
1) Footsteps claims that they are not an anti-religious organization. This is disingenuous. While this may be true with "official" policy and may be the case regarding the personal beliefs or organizational leaders, it is simply not true on a practical level. Certain members become community leaders due to various reasons and, for all practical purposes, they set the tone for the Footsteps culture. I am aware of at least two episodes where members have taken heat for expressing a belief in G-d. These type of sentiments are unwelcome there and all are influenced by this. Considering that according to a recent Harris poll, 74% of Americans believe in G-d, this is an extreme viewpoint, but is mainstream within Footsteps culture. I don't judge anyone for their views, especially views influenced by traumatic backgrounds, but I do think that it is dishonest to publicly claim religious neutrality, while anyone exposed to Footsteps culture knows that this is laughable.
2) When people first approach Footsteps, they are usually not "done" with being Orthodox, even if they mouth these words. This is a process which takes time--usually over several years. While those in turmoil certainly express such sentiments, it takes time until someone feels genuinely comfortable with this decision. In the interim, they will hopefully receive guidance and support from responsible people who will provide them the requisite space and counsel to make wise long-term decisions. As I mentioned, I question the approach advocated by Footsteps in this regard, too. I suspect that there is too strong of an anti-religious bias permeating this organization to allow for reconciliation, problem-solving and working with families of origin to accommodate and create long-term stability.
Finally, your analogy of comparing this to asking a potential Baal Teshuva to check out Christianity is off base. Families and communities of origin are very significant in one's Psychological profile. Attempts at reconciliation of old wounds should be part of the protocol for the psychological health of your members. I am aware that this cannot always be accomplished, but comparing this to encouraging them to try out new lifestyles is missing the point.
Respectfully,
Charles Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
You can repeat your false assumptions as often as you like, but it won't make them true. Are there plenty of Footsteps members who are decidedly irreligious - of course, but there are fully observant members as well, and everyone in-between. Footsteps as an organization has no stance on observance or not, and that's what this discussion was about. In fact, more than one of the full-time staff are Orthodox. As for your second assertion, Footsteps doesn't owe you the curtesy of proselytizing for your particular club. Your club failed this new member, and they are now looking elsewhere for help. Don't like them leaving? Then stop screwing up before they do, don't expect those of us helping them after they've left to send them back to the lion's den.
FD
Dear ______,
Thank you for your timely responses. I am glad to hear that Footsteps as an organization is open-minded and pluralistic and is not a culture that pressures its members to conform to anti-g-d or anti-religious beliefs. Thank you for the clarification. Even if you are 100% correct (which is doubtful considering that many board members and senior staff have gone through their own stuff with religion and likely have an underlying agenda) the culture based on leading group members is anti-religious and people are pressured to follow this culture. I have personally heard this from members who have defected from Footsteps.
Regarding the second assertion, my point was not for you to be courteous to a "religious" lifestyle. I understand that you don't owe that point-of-view anything. Rather, my point was that this is healthy for the individuals who approach Footsteps. As distasteful as this may sound to you, sometimes the best approach for one's long-term mental health is to engage in reconciliation and compromise both with G-d as well as with one's families. Extreme reactivity to stress and trauma often come with its own challenges. Those consumed with rage, hurt, and pain tend to think in an all-or-nothing knee-jerk style. However, this is unhealthy for the long-term mental health of the person. This reactive tendency creates an extra responsibility on the culture that Footsteps exposes these vulnerable people to. As you know, these individuals need love, patience, space, and time to explore healthy long-term decisions. I have witnessed quite a few stories that didn't result in long-term stability. For example, a married Chassidish man with several small children left his family ostensibly for "theological" reasons. He went to an immediate extreme in dress and practice and regretted these extreme decisions 2 years later when his children refused to associate with him due to their own embarrassment. Similarly, a young lady exposed to a terrible family trauma was angry at G-d and left religion suddenly. She suffered immeasurably over the next few years after many family members refused to speak with her and she felt estranged from her previous social supports. I am not defending in any way the behavior of these families (and, in fact, I believe that if Footsteps was more religion-friendly they would have more sway over these families). However, I do believe that these (and many other) individuals should be encouraged to make slow careful and deliberate changes to make sure that they are not reacting emotionally, but truly feel comfortable with these lifestyle changes.
Thank you for listening and for your time. I appreciate it. Chaim
Congratulations, you described what Footsteps does.
FD
Would you allow me or any observant mental health professional (unaffiliated with Footsteps) to observe your events and speak with current members?
Chaim
- Who am I to allow or disallow anything? I don't work for Footsteps, and I have no say in anything they do.
- Why should they allow an observant mental health professional (an oxymoron, by the way) to observe their events, anymore than they should allow an Evangelical Christian or a Muslim?
FD