Question: I know someone who had a sibling that is in his early 20's and is holding down a job. However, he is socially awkward and can really benefit from therapy. However, this person will get highly insulted after being told this and may resent the person who told him. How can he be told (by a relative or professional) that his behavior calls for therapy? Can it be said straight out? If so, how should it be done? On the other hand, is finding the right words and presenting the facts the right way to go? 

It is caring of you to both notice that this individual can benefit from therapy and search for the correct way to go about this. The right kind of help can benefit his marriage, social relationships, and even work performance. However, as you mentioned, this needs to be done in a sensitive manner. The following factors should to be taken into account.  

Ascertain if he really needs help. Make sure that he has exhibited this socially awkward behavior for some time and it is not a temporary rough patch.  Furthermore, verify that this behavior seriously interferes with his life. Many people are not social butterflies, but don’t necessarily need therapy.

Relationship is key: Only someone with an existing positive relationship with the individual can approach him. Most people can accept constructive criticism when given by someone who they know is genuinely interested in their welfare. Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky notes that in the beginning of Parshas Vayaitzai when Yaakov Avinu first approached Charan, he uncharacteristically calls the sheperds Achai (my brothers), a seemingly insignificant detail. He explains that since Yaakov Avinu was prepared to criticize these shepherds regarding their idle behavior during work hours, he needed to preface this criticism with the endearing and relationship-building header of “achai”. To set the stage for the feedback to be accepted, it is thus important to find someone who enjoys a warm relationship with this individual.   

Timing: Constructive advice is more likely to be accepted when given at the right time. The ideal time is when the person approaches you (or someone) complaining of work or other difficulties, which sets the stage to advise him of ways to improve his skills. If this doesn’t happen, it should be said as part of a conversation where the person is complimented regarding his strengths and the importance of outside help is mentioned in context. This conversation should happen when the person is calm and focused: long car rides are often ideal settings for this.  

Normalizing. The advice to seek therapy should be stated in a way that normalizes it. Frame therapy as part of the process of growth: everyone needs coaching in some area to help them attain their potential. If possible, self-disclose areas when you yourself needed to turn to others for help. A point that can be helpful is the importance of doing it for his future wife and children who stand to gain from this. Finally, emphasize that seeing someone for a consultation is just an experiment with little to lose. If he doesn’t find it helpful, he can find someone else or stop.

This article originally appeared in Yated Neeman