Question: I am a regular frum girl, 15 years old and in high school. My parents never got along well and recently told my siblings and me that they are getting divorced. Is my life finished? Will everyone look at me with pity? Will I be able to find a good shidduch? Does the fact that my parents divorced make it more likely that I might get divorced? Any information or chizuk that you can give me is appreciated.
That is very brave of you to reach out with your questions. Those who are in touch with their needs and reach out for support are always in a better place.
Divorce is painful for all especially for children who did nothing to deserve it. Studies show that many children do experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock, and disbelief. There has been an ongoing debate in the research literature regarding the long-term effects of divorce. Some have concluded that these negative reactions usually lessen or disappear by the end of the second year post divorce. Others have demonstrated that the effects are life-long, perhaps in more subtle ways.
.The following are important factors to keep in mind.
- You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction. If you go with the flow and allow your natural feelings to control you, you will likely experience frustration, anger, and resentment. But you have a choice. You can work through your pain and grow from it. You can become a more caring, sensitive, and empathic individual. You can also glean life lessons from this experience. Since you know the effects of divorce you will appreciate the nuances of a good relationship and make extra efforts to achieve this. You can end up with a perfect shidduch and the most loving relationship. Remember, this is a a Nisayon—which is both a test and an opportunity for elevation. It’s about how YOU choose to translate this into real life.
- The reality in our frum communities is that divorce is on the rise and is not uncommon. In fact, I am aware of four organizations that have emerged to address some aspect of frum divorce including Sister-to-Sister, My Extended Family, Yeoded, and Frum Divorce. Considering this, while some may initially be surprised, it is unlikely to cause people to pity you or to destroy your shidduch opportunities.
- The Mishna tells us Asei Licho Rov U’knei Licho Chover. Find a mentor or therapist, someone you trust and you can really confide in. And find yourself a true friend. Having the right influences is so important. Furthermore, it is very worthwhile to involve yourself in Chesed and reaching out to others. Become a big sister to someone else going through a crisis—no one else will be in a better position to help than you. Finally, if staying home is difficult, find things that you enjoy outside the house such as babysitting, becoming involved in school projects, or going out with friends.
Special thanks to Rabbi Yosef Vigler and Mrs. Tali Arieff, LCSW from My Extended Family for their input.
This article originally appeared in the Yated Ne'eman.