Question: I am in my low 20's and have OCD and Anxiety. Baruch Hashem, I am more or less stable as I am in college, and holding down a job at the same time. My question is: In a Shidduch, do you think I should look for someone who’s similar to me- someone who also has Anxiety or some other disorder, or should I rather look for someone who’s "regular" without those kinds of challenges? (Honestly, I would prefer someone who doesn't have any of those challenges but I don't know how realistic that is). I would appreciate your suggestions/advice.
Your question touches on important themes. There are several options to approach this, each with pros and cons. Before exploring the options, it needs to be stated that all people struggle on some level, whether it be with anxiety, anger, poor family dynamics, attentional issues and the like. I am assuming from your question that your challenge is something that has caused and potentially can cause significant interference in day-to-day life. Another important factor that I am not privy to is your overall profile, including your middos, character traits, extraneous factors, as well as family variables. This plays a large role in answering the question.
Option one is to look specifically for someone “regular.” While this appears attractive and preferable, it has its drawbacks. First, you would need to disclose to the other party your struggles in anxiety/OCD somewhere along the dating process (the third date is the typical recommendation). Ignoring this often results in long-term hurt and disaster. In addition, someone who never experienced significant adversity may not relate or be appropriately sympathetic to your struggles. That being said, if you address and surmount these points, it can work well. However, depending on the factors mentioned in the previous paragraph, it may or may not be advisable to limit yourself to this profile.
Option two is to look for someone who shares your anxiety/OCD type struggles. This too may appear intuitively appealing, but keep in mind the following. When two people have the same genetic makeup, there is a compounded risk of passing on this gene to future generations. Furthermore, the atmosphere in a home where both spouses struggle with anxiety may lead to a home permeated with an unhealthy anxious energy.
The third option and often the most realistic is to look for someone who has experienced challenges of a different nature. This can include someone with a minor physical defect, someone with yichus or family-dynamics related challenges, someone who has experienced other psychological challenges, or someone with challenges of a general medical nature (e.g., asthma, diabetes).
May Hashem lead you to find the appropriate zivug at the right time and bekarov!
I thank Rav Aharon Feldman Shlita for his input with hashkafic points.
This appeared originally in the Yated Ne'eman.