Question: My 18-year-old daughter has been having issues with yiddishkeit, and seems to be moving in the wrong direction. She has had trouble with anxiety and trust issues in the past and seems generally unhappy. My other kids are being affected by her constant anger and comments. My husband and I find ourselves constantly arguing over the proper way to handle the situation, and we feel that there’s no one to whom we can turn for help. How can we properly deal with this as a couple and as a family? How can my husband and I help my daughter deal with all of her issues while respecting her choices even if we don't agree with them?

Thank you for raising this increasingly common question. I am unable to answer all the specifics “al regel achas”, but would like to highlight some relevant general points.

Psychology masquerades as theology. As you alluded to, troubles with Yiddishkeit are likely a reflection of her anxiety, trust, and mood issues. We need to approach the problem from that perspective and see her as someone who is suffering—not someone who is rebellious. 

Relationship is key. No matter how far a child has strayed, the single most important predictor of the child’s well-being as well as the likelihood of them returning to aspects of Yiddishkeit is relationship with parents. Find ways to connect with her such as via spending time doing something enjoyable, genuinely complimenting her, or, when possible, bending over backwards to meet her needs. 

Stay focused on the big picture. Where do you want your child to be in 5 or 10 years from now? Don’t focus too much on day-to-day items which are largely out of your control anyway. Instead, give your daughter appropriate time and space, which will allow her to grow at her own pace. 

Keep trying to find the right help. Don’t give up on finding that someone whom both parents respect and trust. There are many professionals and Rabbonim out there. Keep asking others for suggestions. You are free to meet anyone for a one-time consultation until you find someone who “gets it” from both of your perspectives.

This was originally printed in the Yated Ne'eman