Question: As parents of a large family, we have always thanked Hashem for the fact that our children were smart, academic, and did very well in school. While there was an occasional hiccup here and there it was nothing that a little tutoring or extra help couldn't fix. With our youngest son it seems clearer and clearer that he is a bit different. He has trouble paying attention, isn't really interested in school and seems to be that kind of kid that "just isn't cut out for learning." He was never a start student and when he started mishnayos and now gemara he is falling more and more behind. He is getting tutors and remedial etc. but how much extra work can I put on a kid? With the tremendous emphasis that we place on learning I really worry, especially considering that he will need to somehow make it through years of high school and yeshiva. Every year as the school year starts, I get this feeling of dread wondering how he will make it through as the level of learning gets higher and higher. I understand this isn't uncommon and maybe we were spoiled with our other kids. Can you please provide some suggestions for both the short and long-term that can guide us with this boy?
This is a great question and, because it is so common, certainly worthwhile to address. The worst way to approach this is to ignore it and not address it as this usually leads to increased frustration and resentment. Addressing minor problems by thinking them through and developing a plan will prevent major problems down the road. Towards this end, I would like to share a few thoughts.
First, it is important to understand where this is coming from. If your car is not driving smoothly and making funny noises, you would bring it to a mechanic who would open the hood to determine the cause. Children who are not producing as they should are no different. An expert in children's academic and behavioral challenges should take a thorough look to figure out what may be causing it. This could be a learning disability, an attentional issue, or something more emotionally based. In any case, our understanding of the core issue is a crucial first step and will lead us towards an approach to deal with it.
The second recommendation flows directly from the first: follow through on treatment recommendations. Keep in mind that this often sounds easier than it might actually be. Treatment recommendations may be expensive or may not fit with your current way of viewing things. Often, regular therapy, medication, or similar may indeed by helpful and it is important to think long-term and do what is ultimately best for the child even if you may need to go out of your comfort zone.
Third, irrespective of any specific recommendations, relationships are so important in general and especially with children who are struggling. Please realize that many children are not cut out for the regular Yeshiva system. Yet, if they feel the love and support from parents (and hopefully from the school also), they will feel good about themselves and about Yiddishkeit. Many of our most successful people didn't do well during their Yeshiva years but flourished afterwards in the various roles that they played. The common factor through these stories is almost always about the love, support, and acceptance that they received from the adults in their lives.
The next important factor is the importance of flexibility. As tempting as it may be, do not push him too hard to be someone who he is not. Try to collaborate with the school to find flexibility within the school day to provide him with non-learning based outlets and other sources for his self-esteem. Each child is unique and will have different things that turn them on whether it be a gabbai/leadership type role or discovering other areas where they can shine by developing their unique talents. Focusing on this will help the child feel part of the system and thereby flourish (or at least survive).
Finally, it is important for you as parents to develop your own support system. Even if you do follow all recommendations and thereby increase your son's chance of reaching his full potential ,the road will likely be bumpy. You will need to turn to people who you trust for support and chizuk.
May you have much hatzlacha and siyata dishmaya in the journey ahead!