Question: We have an 11 yr. old son who has been bullying his younger siblings for years. He is an intense child with a low self-esteem. He threatens them, bribes them, belittles them, embarrasses them, annoys them, and physically hurts them. He needs everything to go his way. We've spoken to him time and again about his behaviors and he's aware of what he's doing and that it’s not ok. We've punished and threatened and explained. He does have some good times and we try to focus on those times and comment, compliment and sometimes reward him for his behavior. Our question for you is: Is there a way to have a bully free policy at home, where we can't exactly kick him out of our family (like they would do in school)? We've spoken to chinuch professionals and mental health professionals over the years and have had some better times than others but we can't seem to get rid of it. We are now noticing some of the victims (his
younger siblings) copying his behaviors. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

It is a difficult, and not uncommon, question. You need to walk a tightrope. You need to help this child with lots of love, patience, and discipline. You also need to protect your other children from exposure to constant bullying. 

It is a fact of life that siblings fight and bicker, but when siblings become abusive, it crosses a line and is no longer typical. Too often, families dismiss bullying behavior as standard sibling rivalry and just resign themselves to it. But sibling rivalry and bickering is about being occasionally teased and put down and solutions like validation, letting kids fight it out and looking away work (more or less). However, if a child lives in constant fear of being humiliated or hurt, it is bullying and needs to be addressed. Victims of sibling bullying can suffer for years and unlike other bullying, it affects the child at home--the one place where they should feel safe.

When parents allow this to continue without intervening, they play a role in the bullying. Therefore, if a child regularly intentionally humiliates and/or harms another weaker child, it must be addressed. You mention that you have been to mental health professionals, but keep looking until you find the right one who can address the underlying causes and will really "get" the situation and guide appropriately (depending on the causes, consider medication as well). In addition (or in conjunction) to therapy, the bullying child needs to be disciplined. Parents need to set limits and intervene decisively if it continues. The message is that everyone in the family deserves love, respect, and safety and there is no room for compromise on that. 

While you are generally correct that a child cannot be sent out of the home, there are several options to be firm about not crossing certain lines. If all else fails, it is sometimes advisable to have extended loving separation periods where a child can temporarily stay elsewhere such as by grandparents or relatives until the smoke clears. All of this needs to be worked out on a case by case basis and with someone who fully understands the family dynamics. 

May you have much hatzlacha in navigating this difficult situation.