Question: I have heard rumblings about an issue and would like to give you an opportunity to clarify it for us. Can you please explain what is "parental alienation" which I understand to mean is when a therapist instructs a client to breakoff contact with a parent. Is this something that frum therapists do? How common is something like this? Is this ever actually clinically necessary, and even if it is do you consult rabbonim on something like this and is this type of thing ever sanctioned by rabbonim? If it is being done incorrectly and unjustifiably by therapists, what course of action would you recommend that could prevent something like this from happening in our community?
You ask complex questions that really need a chapter, if not a book, to tackle well. You ask six questions, and I will attempt to respond to each separately. Please realize that I speak for myself and for many colleagues who work within the framework of following clinical professional guidelines with input from Shulchan Aruch and Rabbonim. I certainly cannot speal for all frum therapists. In addition, there is much more to say on each question so feel free to email me at cneuhoffphd@gmail.com if you would like elaboration or further discussion.
1) Can you please explain what is "parental alienation" which I understand to mean is when a therapist instructs a client to break off contact with a parent.
Parental alienation is often confused with parental estrangement. I suspect that your question as well as some recent chatter in frum circles is more about estrangement but will try to briefly describe both.
Parental alienation refers to children who have been intentionally alienated by one parent from their other parent or other family members. It is typically perpetrated by divorcing parents in an attempt to gain custody, child support, or revenge. Parents use various tactics to accomplish this, and the results are often devastating to the children. This entire process is beyond the scope of this column; please email me if you'd like to discuss further.
Adult children looking to separate from their parents is typically referred to as parental estrangement. This is about rejecting a parent, sometimes with good reason and often not. Unlike alienation, which needs to have a third party involved in the "influence" (usually a parent), estrangement often comes from the (adult) child. Most of the chatter in frum community involves cases where a grown child cut off their parents.
People blame therapists as being a source of these tragic cases because the person didn't consider doing this until they were in therapy. In the cases that I am familiar with, there are two types of estrangement. First, is where there is a long history of serious abuse (of various types) often ongoing, and there are lingering emotional scars. The second type is related to parents consistently crossing boundaries. For example, parents who repeatedly tell their daughter to divorce this person or shame and criticize her (or her spouse) in front of their young children. Despite repeated attempts, these boundaries were not kept and the adult child then says that until we can come to fair terms, I am unable to see you.
Please realize that most people who need to do this are miserable and broken. They describe months and years of agony before they took this step, and it is not something they feel good about afterwards. The clients usually desperately want to connect with the parents, but they are simply unable to. They come to therapy and attempt to work through these challenges precisely to try to be mikayem kibud av vaeim appropriately.
2) Is this something that frum therapists do? At times, frum therapist can be involved in this process. As mentioned, alienation typically comes from one parent against the other and estrangement comes from adult children against parents. The job of the therapist is to help clients clarify and meet their own reasonable goals, and sometimes this may involve the process described above. This does not mean that it is always correct. Keep in mind that the community of “frum” therapists is quite large and I certainly cannot speak for everyone.
3) How common is something like this? I am not aware of the prevalence within the frum community. I do know that in the secular world 27% of people reported estrangement (cutting off contact with a family member) and up to 25% of custody disputes may involve some sort of alienation. It is doubtful that the rates in the frum community are this high. However, Rav Uren Reich told a group of professionals that he participated in a meeting where 60 estranged parents attended, which is extremely high and painful.
4) Is this ever actually clinically necessary? This was touched on before. Yes, on occasion it may be clinically necessary both in situations of estrangement and boundary crossings. And yes, in my opinion, it is sometimes not clinically necessary. As far as I have been trained, this certainly needs to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis and Rabbonim definitely need to be involved.
5) and even if it is do you consult rabbonim on something like this and is this type of thing ever sanctioned by rabbonim? Absolutely. Keep in mind that in addition to clinical questions, there are questions about halacha and about values. There are halachic questions of kibud av vaeim and various considerations such as “chayecha kodmim” and “kibud av mishel av.” There are also questions about values. The secular world puts much emphasis on the "self" and feeling good, while our Torah also emphasizes the broader picture and responsibility towards family and community (in addition, of course, to the self). This is why these questions should ideally have input from Daas Torah (where the client is willing).
I am privileged to be part of a group of hundreds of bnei and bnos Torah professionals who regularly meet and consult with Rabbonim. In fact, in recent years, we have posed these types of question to Rav Shlomo Miller, Rav Aharon Feldman, Rav Elya Brudny, Rav Reuvein Feinstein, Rav Yechiel Mechel Steimnetz (Skverer Dayan), Rav Uren Reich, Rav Uri Deutsch, and Rav Yisrael Debarimidiger (Boyaner Dayan). The Bais Havaad in Lakewood and other Rabbonim, Dayanim, and Poskim are also familiar with these questions. It is puzzling why people feel the need to run to Eretz Yisroel with these types of questions when so many of our Rabbonim can speak to it.
It is difficult to summarize all relevant halachic sources and guidelines in this column and feel free to email me. Typical guidance can be summarized by this recent quote to us from the Skverer Dayan. "The truth is that there are rare situations where someone is totally abnormal, and it is simply impossible to interact with them. However, to advise someone to cut off relationships with parents, one must be exceedingly careful. There are so many steps one can take before advising someone of such an extreme reaction. If someone has trouble with his feet, he should put on a bandage and if this doesn’t work, then we can take the next step. But to advise to cut off one’s feet is extreme and almost always not necessary. Is this any different? In any case, a therapist needs to discuss these situations with a Rav."
6) If it is being done incorrectly and unjustifiably by therapists, what course of action would you recommend that could prevent something like this from happening in our community? I think that the greater the collaboration between therapists and Rabbonim, the less we will see these unfortunate situations in our kehillos. People seeking a therapist for these types of situations should make sure that the therapist is licensed and speaks with a Rav prior to advising on anything of this nature. It is also important for Rabbanim to receive training to understand the "metzius" of parental alienation as well as the factors leading to estrangement and boundary crossings so that they can pasken correctly. Some of these dynamics are counter-intuitive and a thorough understanding is required.
This article originally appeared in the Yated Neeman