Question: Our daughter has recently asked us to see (and pay for) a therapist. She says that her reasons for this are because she feels empty, without direction in life and is not finding fulfillment. She is 22 years old, has never had any issues before, had no major difficulties in life, has a good job and has always done well. My husband and I have always felt that she could be a little more sincere with her yiddishkeit. She does everything she is supposed to but there is a penimiyos that is lacking. Basically we think that in this case it would be more appropriate for her to create a kesher with a teacher or Rebitzen and not for a therapist. For matters of meaning and fulfillment we have always turned to Rabbonim and the idea of going to a therapist for such a issue (where there is no mental health illness) is a goyishe one. I would like to get the opinion of the therapists on this panel who are choshuva frum therapists on this matter. Thank you.

 I can only address this question assuming that your daughter is fully disclosing her true reasons for seeking therapy. If so, this is a question that should resonate with many. On the surface, this seems to be a question of eternal vs. temporal, hardly an equal choice. At first glance, this appears to be a choice between focusing on “chayei olam” (spiritual matters) and retaining the services of a Rebbetzin or focusing on “chayei sha’ah”, and seeking the services of a psychotherapist. But is this indeed so? Perhaps we can take a step back and discuss a few misunderstood factors pertaining to the role of psychotherapy as well as its implementation as is practiced in frum communities today.  

 First, from a Torah perspective,  emotional stability is a prerequisite to real growth in any spiritual pursuit. This is alluded to in the famous maxim of Chazal, derech eretz kodma l’torah. Rav Aaron Feldman Shlita recently addressed a group of frum mental health professionals and related the following in the name of the Gra. Man is made up of three components: the Nefesh, Ruach, and Neshoma. The Nefesh refers to our physical needs and drives; the Ruach refers to our emotional and esteem needs; while the Neshoma refers to our drive toward Kirvas Elokim and growth in Ruchniyus. To truly grow in Neshoma areas, one needs to first repair the broken parts of the Nefesh and Ruach. As a corollary, we can derive from this the role and importance of therapy.  People who are emotionally scarred or undeveloped need to repair their ruach before being fully able to develop their Neshoma.

Another point, and one directly relevant to your questions, is to acknowledge and address the overlapping area where the core issue has yet to be clarified.  In questions such as yours, many people tend to frame the question as should I see a Rebbetzin or a therapist. Rather than focusing on the most appropriate profession, perhaps the focus should instead be on finding the most appropriate individual. Although the roles of Rebbetzin and psychotherapist are indeed different, they are not necessarily dichotomous: each will often incorporate aspects of the others expertise. A rabbi or rebbetzin often has excellent counseling skills and a therapist can be very religiously attuned.  To cite an example, at a recent conference of frum mental health professionals, Rav Elya Brudny Shlita urged the attendees to incorporate emuna into their therapeutic work (where appropriate). He said that in today’s meaningless and confusing world, emuna is crucial to deal with day to day disappointments as well as with the inevitable adversity that life brings. Thus, while a therapist will certainly focus on the underlying emotional needs and a Rov or Rebbetzin will concentrate on spiritual development, each may very well incorporate both of these aspects in their message as well as in their persona. 

Lastly, you parenthetically mentioned the payment factor, which superficially seems to be a valid reason to steer clear of therapy. However, payment is often the glue that holds relationships. Payment creates a responsibility on the therapist as well as a commitment on the client,  enabling the relationship to withstand life's natural obstacles. While a kesher with someone chashuv certainly has its advantages, too often it lacks continuity and fizzles out precisely because there is no responsibility to maintain this  relationship.

May you merit healthy Yiddish nachas!

Originally appeared in Yated Neeman