The Psychologist's Couch

בס"ד

Below are my notes of Rav Feldman's lecture to Orthodox Mental Health Professionals which took place in New York City during the summer of 2016. Rav Feldman has approved this version. All rights reserved.

The lecture and subsequent Q and A covered the following topics: A Torah approach to Psychology, Validating feelings, Homosexuality, Kibud Av Vaeim, Families in distress, and Hitting children. 

 

A Torah Approach to Psychology

This is a unique opportunity for me. People listen to you more than they listen to me so if I can influence you, they will finally end up listening to me. I would therefore like to share with you what I believe is an outline to a Jewish approach to psychology. This approach is derived from the words of Chazal and particularly from the writings of the Vilna Gaon. (For further elaboration see my book, The Juggler and the King, Chapters 1 and 13.)  

 

The fundamental question is what makes a human being “tick”?

 

A standard secular formulation understands that a human being haphazardly evolved from a one-celled organism until he somehow developed the drives and needs which make up his organism. When these basic needs are unfulfilled, a person becomes broken and it is the job of the professional to assist in fulfilling these basic needs.

 

From a Torah perspective this is an incorrect evaluation of a human being; thus I dare say that it is a difficult task to attempt to heal a patient’s wounds based on this evaluation. I would therefore like to present a Torah view of what is the fundamental essence of the human psyche.

 

According to Chazal, a person is comprised of three components: nefesh, ruach, and neshama. Nefesh is the part of the human being he shares with animals. This includes the proper functioning of his body and his drives for food and reproduction. Ruach refers to the inner world of the human, the part of him that comprises his ability to choose freely, his personality and his emotions. Neshama is that part of a human which recognizes that there is a Creator and which yearns to relate to Him and to act selflessly to carry out His will.

 

Nefesh and ruach are dealt with in the psychological literature, but the neshama is largely neglected and even denied by psychology.

 

A properly functioning human being uses his nefesh and ruach to assist the neshama in reaching its goals. That is, he uses his nefesh to live in the manner which God prescribed for him in the Torah and he refines his inner being to have the character traits which enable him to carry out his prescribed way of life.

 

However, it does not always turn out this way. This is became man possesses a Yetzer Hora (henceforth, YH) which, since the Sin of the First Man in Gan Eden, entices him to forget about his natural yearning to come close to God and to carry out His will. The YH goads him into serving his Self rather than God. Both the nefesh and the ruach have their particular YHs designed to enhance the Self. 

 

The nefesh has a YH for pleasureful physical stimulation. The ruach has a YH for the pleasureful emotion of kavod (esteem) with its derivative YHs for power, domination, amassing wealth, jealousy and anger.

 

The two classes of YH often conflict with each other. Kavod inhibits the sexual drive, which is why people do not engage in this drive in public. The YH for wealth, a ruach YH, is neutralized where the sex drive can be better satisfied without the wealth. The Communist meltdown was a case where governments promised their societies satisfaction of their ruach YH for wealth, but succumbed to the popular will which preferred the immediate gratification of their nefesh YH for sexual freedom and luxury goods.

 

For most people life is spent occupying themselves with either satisfying their nefesh YH for the physical stimulation of food or sex, or satisfying their ruach YH for the pleasure of kavod by seeking prestige and power. However, satisfying these drives is a Sisyphean effort. Shortly after supplying them with their respective pleasures, they raise their head with a demand for more gratification. They are a form of drugs which constantly demand a new “fix.”

 

Just as physical health depends on the proper functioning of the nefesh, so does mental health depend on the proper composition of one’s ruach. Kavod is not merely a YH. Every normal human has a need to feel worthy which a form of kavod. If that basic need for kavod is not satisfied, a person will become depressed. Most people have no problem feeling important. Even if one is, objectively speaking, unimportant, he is able, through his imaginative faculty, to fantasize that he is, or will in the future be, important. However, often even fantasy will not give a person this basic feeling of worthiness. This will occur, for example, after having suffered a devastating disgrace, or due to a self-imposed belief that one is not worthy of respect—as a result of a faulty upbringing or due to some traumatic experience. In these cases, intervention must be employed to restore to this person a basic sense of esteem or else he will be unable to function.

 

As stated, the neshama is that part of a human which recognizes that there is a Creator and which yearns to relate to Him. The neshama’s recognition that there is a Supreme Being gives rise to a natural feeling that one’s life has meaning and purpose which one must fulfill. After all, if there is a God who placed him in this world, there must be a reason why He did so, and man naturally feels that he must live up to that purpose. All men have a belief that life has a purpose although not everyone has it to the same degree. The fact that most of mankind believes in a deity and that life has a purpose testifies to the existence of a neshama. Fulfilling the yearning of the neshama is the only way for one to secure oneself a permanent and satisfying happiness.

 

Man has the free choice to divert himself from his natural neshama cravings by indulging in his nefesh and his ruach YHs. But if he decides to do so, he will never be able to reach a true and permanent state of happiness. For, as stated above, satisfying the YH drives is impossible. Only the satisfaction of the neshama’s yearning to come close to his Creator and to live by His will can provide one with a happiness which is permanent and satisfying.

 

The YH seeks to makes man’s Self the be-it-all and end-it-all of life and as a result, the nefesh and ruach operate autonomously and seek their respective insatiable pleasures. However, when one commits himself to following his neshama drive, both the ruach and the nefesh are harnessed to reaching the neshama’s goals. God—not the Self—becomes the goal of life. When the nefesh and ruach work in unison to help the nehama reach its goal, they both feel fulfilled. At the same time, any conflict between the nefesh and the ruach disappears. There is no reason to bolster one’s sense of esteem, neither objectively nor out of fantasy. A person is important because he was chosen by God to exist. What can give a person more esteem than being able to say (as the Sages advise), “The world was created for me.” Living to come close to God, then, is the ideal way of restoring one’s self-esteem

 

On the other hand, attempting to make someone permanently happy without responding to his neshama drives, is a futile effort.  Building a diminished self-esteem by providing it with kavod, will only lead to need for more kavod. One might be able to supply a person with the minimum esteem which will permit him to make him function, but one can never supply him with an esteem which will grant him happiness. However, once the neshama becomes part of the equation, everything in the human organism falls into place and true satisfaction will result.

 

Elazar ben Durdaya

 

Attempting to cure the illnesses of the ruach by pandering to its ills is futile. The only way a broken ruach can be cured is by harnessing it to needs of the neshama. A beautiful interpretation of a passage in the Talmud will demonstrate this.

 

The Talmud (Avoda Zara 17a) tells the story of Elazar ben Durdaya whose moral depravity reached a level where he felt compelled to visit every prostitute in the world. He once travelled to visit a prostitute in a faraway place. While he was occupied with her, she commented that he had lost his share in Olam Haba (the World to Come). Her words shook him to his core and he decided to do Teshuva (repentance). However, he was so sunk in his depravity that he could not make a full commitment to change his behavior.

 

And so he sat between two mountains and cried out, “Mountains and hills, pray for me!”

They answered, “We cannot do this.”

“Heaven and earth pray for me!” They, too, answered, “We cannot.”

“Sun and moon, pray for me!” But they too replied said that they were unable to do so. “

“If so,” said Elazar ben Durdaya, it must be totally dependent on me!” And so, he put his head between his knees and wept until his soul left him.

A heavenly voice called out: “Eliezer ben Durdaya has earned his place in the World to Come.”  

What is the symbolism of the three entities—mountains and hills, heaven and earth, sun and moon-- to which Eliezer ben Durdaya turned? A great Rabbi of the past century gave the following explanation.

 

People typically utilize one of three explanations as to why they become involved in destructive behavior. The first is parents, symbolized by mountains and hills (harim, mountains = horim, parents). One’s parents did not bring him up properly: they were overly critical, they were too distant. They caused him such pain that he was forced to turn to prostitutes to alleviate the pain. To this the “mountains and hills” responded, “We cannot pray for you,”—meaning this is not a valid excuse.

 

He then turned to his environment, symbolized by heaven and earth. I grew up, Elazar was saying, with bad friends, in the slums, and my schools were inadequate. I could not get ahead in life and therefore I became immersed in my addiction to escape my sense of failure. But “heaven and earth” replied that they cannot pray for him: this, too, is an invalid excuse.

 

Eliezer then turned to a final excuse. His genetic makeup, symbolized by the sun and moon who as celestial forces determined his nature, was at fault. He had an innate addictive personality. But “sun and moon” responded that this excuse too was inadequate.  

 

They were all saying, a human being is responsible for himself; nothing prevents him from exercising his free choice to do as he desires. Elazar ben Durdaya recognized the falsity of his excuses and the truth dawned on him that it all depends on himself—that it is up to him to do Teshuva.  Thus he put his head between his knees and wept in regret for his sins until his soul left him. A heavenly voice called out that his Teshuva was successful and had earned him a share in the World to Come. Tasheyv enosh ad daka—Man can return to God even when only a shred of his neshama remains intact. Teshuva is never impossible.

 

In the terms we have been using, Elazar ben Durdaya was addicted to his nefesh drives. The only way to overcome the nefesh drives is to exercise the free choice which is in the domain of the ruach . But what if the ruach has been broken by one’s upbringing, one’s environment, or one’s intrinsic nature? One must turn to his neshama. The neshama transcends the other two. When one chooses to direct his whole being towards his neshama, his nefesh and ruach will follow suit and subordinate themselves to it, and then true Teshuva becomes possible.

 

The teachings of secular psychology are often able to cure the ills of the ruach; they are able to help those suffering from low self-esteem and from guilt restore themselves to normalcy. But they are inadequate for supplying a person with happiness, no more than a physician who cures a patient of pneumonia can make him happy. Someone with a healthy nefesh and ruach which is not lacking self-esteem and is free of the various diagnoses from which people suffer, will still not find happiness. He still will be spending his life chasing the unattainable goals of prestige, money and sexual pleasure. But one can only achieve happiness if one is able to tap into one’s neshama. It is the only way. Recognizing this is the source of Teshuva.

 

I recall reading a book by Victor Frankl on his theory of Logotherapy. While going through the harrowing experiences of the concentration camps, Frankl came upon an important discovery: He noticed that those with a faith in God were able to survive the inhuman tortures of the camps more than others. He attributed this to the fact that a sense of purpose is vital to maintaining mental health.

 

In light of our discussion, this phenomenon can be explained as follows: Where a person connects to his neshama, the sufferings of his nefesh and ruach become insignificant and therefore bearable. Furthermore, a connection to one’s neshama gives a person a reason to live and, as is well documented, a desire to live is a strong factor for survival in life-threatening situations.

 

Frankl’s suggestions for developing a sense of purpose, unfortunately fall short. He suggests, for example, collecting stamps, raising a pet, or taking up a hobby as means of giving one a sense of purpose. However, these are “non-starters.” For something to become a purpose of life, it has to be real, not invented; one needs to feel that he is really living for that purpose. Frankl’s suggestions have no absolute value and cannot give a person a sense of purpose. The only way to have a sense of purpose is to connect to the yearnings of one’s neshama which draw one to come close to the God who created him for that purpose.

 

Frankl can be forgiven for his recommendations because as a psychologist he operates within a system in which there is neither Creator nor purpose to anything. He attempted to extrapolate the lesson he learned from religious Jews in the camps to a secular world in which there are no absolute values and accordingly advised his readers—and presumably his patients—to invent pseudo-purposes. However, one cannot fashion purposes out of thin air. Only the belief that one is given life by a Creator in order to carry out the yearnings of one’s neshama can supply this sense of purpose.

 

Question: Based on the above formulation, what is the role of the frum psychologist?

 

The role of the psychologist is to heal the ruach by removing its pain. A broken person is focused on ruach needs and is usually unable to think of the neshama. However, ultimately the neshama’s needs must be satisfied after we address the needs of the ruach. In other words, there is a hierarchy of nefesh, ruach, and neshama.  Psychologists enter at the ruach level. When the patient is normal and the pain is removed, he is ready for neshama work, which means to come close to God.

 

It is permissible to use the tools of modern psychology tools as long as they do not involve anything which contradicts the Torah. The role of the mental health professional is similar to every medical professional. Bring the patient to an adequate level of functioning and then send them off to lead his life.

 

Question: The Rosh Yeshiva set up a bifurcation between the role of the mental health professional and that of a religious leader. In my experience, the core of psychological suffering is existential and their basic struggles are related to the meaning of life.

 

Indeed, if people are ready to listen to a message touching on themes of neshama, then definitely do so. If you can help them see that ga’ava (self-importance), sexual pleasure, and kavod are not the goals of life and that the main thing is avodas Hashem, you will definitely help them find happiness. Of course, one needs to ensure that one is not pushing religion or you can lose your license. But if the person is open to discussing these themes as part of self-growth and you can do it and still remain ethical, then by all means do so. To illustrate this concept, a psychotherapy patient is struggling with self-esteem and shame related issues. In the quest to find the Self and validate it, some may be very open to exploring themes related to bishvili nivra haolam and ahavas hashem. This will enhance the therapeutic process. Others may be very turned off by religious themes. As such, a clinician needs to be very careful when treading in these areas and always try to understand what will be helpful for this specific client. 

 

Question: How can we incorporate neshama into a psychological model when it can’t be proven?

 

Most of Psychology is based on theory: it is not a hard science. The greatest proof of the neshama are the case studies, the results of those who have lived this way and tapped into it.  Living by the neshama has produced the most remarkable people in history. Take the Chazon Ish for example. His entire life was devoted to helping others, yet he refused to take money for this. Someone once asked him how he lived. He responded, “I live from doing people favors.” This is different type of human being! A neshama person!  They live on a different plane, they are happier, and we see the results of this.

 

 

Validating feelings

 

Question: In psychotherapy, we are encouraged to validate feelings, even negative ones (e.g., anger). Is there something inherently wrong to tell someone that it is okay for them to feel that way?

 

It is normal and understandable to have feelings, even negative ones. In addition, it is certainly better to just feel than to act on the negative feeling. However, it is best to attempt to rid oneself of negative feelings. How can one do this? One needs to understand the source of these feelings. Negative feelings comes from a distorted world view and negative perceptions of it. For example, the Gra writes that anger stems from frustrated gaava (egotism). At our core, we are selfish and narcissistic (due the YH of our ruach) and when someone frustrates us, it turns into anger. When we change our perception and begin to realize that it’s not about us, and that it may be our distorted perception that someone is slighting us, we become less angry. If we focus less on our own need to prevail and our own self-importance, we inevitably become calmer.

 

Tochacha (rebuke) in therapy

 

Question: In psychotherapy, clients often describe aveyros (sins) that they commit in their private lives. How do we balance the obligation of tochacha with our role in psychotherapy?

 

We need to make a distinction in our conceptualization of the aveyra that the person is engaged in. If in our formulation, this aveyra is related to their core issue then of course it should be mentioned. For example, if the person is engaging in aveyros that are causing guilt and stress, this should be discussed and processed. If on the other hand, the aveyra is peripheral to the person’s core struggles and not a part of their therapeutic goal, it is not within our professional role. You are bound by the framework that limits you to work within the values of the patient as opposed to injecting our values.

 

 

Homosexuality

 

What has the Rosh Yeshiva’s experience been with those struggling with homosexual urges? What was found to be helpful?

 

How do we view those who experience homosexual attractions and feelings, but would never act on them due to their commitment to Yiddishkeit?

 

I will share with you two of the experiences that I had on this topic. One was a young man who shared with me that he never experienced an attraction to women, but still wanted to marry. At that time, my wife was teaching at Neve Yerushalayim and had a student who was a very idealistic convert. My wife described this person who was a potentially great talmid chochom, but struggled with this issue. My wife’s student wasn’t concerned and said that she can deal with the issue. They got married and had six children. These were both mature, thinking people. After the wedding, the husband came to me for advice and I told him to focus on the mitzvah of serving Hashem via pru u’rvu. Apparently that helped. The neshama can overcome the nefesh!

 

Another example, I am in touch with a professional who is homosexual and calls me often for guidance. I told him that he is forbidden to have yichud (to seclude himself) with certain men. Not with all men. He described certain types of me that turn him on, and I told him that he cannot take them as patients. He does this because he is a yarei Shomayim. He is married with a family, and his wife knows of the problem and is supportive, and they have a family. They are doing quite well.

 

These are unique stories: others need other solutions. The point is that each person and situation is unique and one cannot generalize.

 

Dr. Mordechai Twerski is a well-known psychologist in Yerushalayim. He told me that he never had a patient who struggled with homosexuality whom he couldn’t help. While practically this may not be so with every single person, this is his experience. The gay lobby would like us to believe that treatment never works and marriage cannot work. There are even so-called Rabbis who permit homosexuality based on the concept of “ones” (that one is coerced to act this way). This is not true. It is no different from someone who never married; he also has a yetzer hora, but is somehow not acting on it. The world doesn’t end if someone doesn’t have sexual relationships. It is torture, but one can live single. There are also cases where people were cured or at least partially cured and ultimately got married. Yes, they still lived afterwards with their fantasies of men, but they lived with it and built families. The gay lobby brainwashes us that one cannot be a frum Jew and a homosexual. It is not true.  

 

There is a fundamental distinction between those who struggle with homosexual drives and do not succumb versus those who succumb. Those who struggle with same sex attraction are engaged in a very difficult struggle and we must demonstrate our utmost compassion towards them. They are tortured. They live in a same gender society full of nisyonos (challenges) at every twist and turn. Someone told me that he can’t learn with a chavrusa because he becomes aroused. This is torture which calls for our utmost compassion. However, this difficult challenge does not give a hetter to transgress. This issur is one of the most severe issurim. It is one of those few mitzvos that obligate one in yehoreg v’al yaavor (one must give up one’s life rather than violate it). This is because violating it has such a profoundly destructive effect on one’s neshoma, that it is better to die than have that effect.

 

Question: Does the Rosh Yeshiva recommend marriage for those struggling?

 

I would not recommend marriage unless the other party is aware and accepting of their struggles up front. If the woman is aware and wants to help, it often can work. Otherwise, it is forbidden to suggest marriage. I’ve heard people who did suggest this without the consent of the woman—this is both ignorant and wrong. Sometimes, the situation is such that the person cannot get married. In these situations, one is potur from pru u’rvu. Someone told me that he asked the Brisker Rov what to do because he had no attraction to women, and the Brisker Rov said that he is potur from pru u’rvu. 

 

Question: People in therapy may say, “I am gay, but I am not over any aveyra.” However, the frum community won’t even tolerate this.

 

I think that it is a fault of our community. A person should be able to say that I have no attraction toward women, I cannot get married, but I am not over issurim. Such a person is a tzadik. I know people who never married because of this, but accomplished so much for the community. The fact that they have a Yetzer Hora toward homosexuality does not change anything. Don’t we all have Yetzer Horas towards forbidden things? Does that invalidate us?

 

We are not discussing living together (which automatically connotes ovrei aveyra), but someone who has a netiya towards homosexuality. They are suffering and a Rav or others who are aware should definitely be compassionate and be mekarev them. Perhaps they shouldn’t publicize this tendency to the broader community, but it will help for them to get together with others suffering from the same tendency to obtain chizuk (support). This is no different than an organization for cancer patients or diabetics who meet for support. Similarly, those who have homosexual tendencies but are not over issurim should be allowed and encouraged to meet to discuss and obtain chizuk for their unique nisayon.

 

Question: Are those who publicly display their homosexuality any different than those who publicly commit other aveyros (e.g., Chilul Shabbos, Lashon Hora)?

 

Yes, there is a difference. Consider the following example to illustrate the point. In the Israel Day parade there is a gay contingent. Now, if there was a contingent publicly identifying as Michalilei Shabosos, wouldn’t we protest against this? Yes, people slip and commit aveyros, but to publicize that one is an over aveyris and to display pride in it is a chilul Hashem. Someone who publicly discusses being an over aveyra makes a Chilul Hashem for it makes the aveyra lighter in other people’s eyes. The Posuk says “Ashrei nesui pesha”—we don’t discuss aveyros publicly. But a group that says we are struggling to and refrain from being oiver issurim, that is the biggest kiddush Hashem!

 

Question: How do we respond to those who question How could Hashem make me this way?

 

Everyone in this world has a nisayon. People struggle with their eyes, with pornography, with kavod and with countless other struggles. Homosexuality must be viewed in this context and is just another struggle. When a person controls that nisayon he brings kedusha (holiness) to the world. The kedusha that a homosexual brings to this world by self-control is something that no one else can accomplish. It is a unique opportunity for kiddush Hashem.

 

What about homosexual women. Is the issur the same?

 

No, it is not. They are often incorrectly lumped together. Women engaged in sexuality with each other do not commit a purposeless act; it is an act of love. It is nevertheless forbidden and included in Kemaase eretz mitzrayim. It perverts the women and is wrong, but it is not the same issur and not the same problem.

 

Question: Rav Feldman writes in an article that a problem with the homosexual act is that one takes an act that is inherently creative and turns it into an act that is for selfish sexual gratification. What if the partner also focuses on providing gratification for their partner? Will this change the act as something that is not inherently selfish?

 

The idea of reproduction is an act of giving life. It is a relationship with another person focused on giving life. Motzi zera levatala done in a way that is not an act of procreation is a toeiva. That is why masturbation is prohibited. Homosexual relations are worse than masturbation because it is the perverted opposite of the creative act of reproduction. Moshe Rabbeinu is buried mul Peor—opposite the idol Peor who was worshipped by defecating before it. Moshe’s essence is the opposite of what peor stands for. Peor is about worshipping human waste, the airship of meaningless. We were taught by Moshe to be purposeful and meaningful. A homosexual act is performing a creative and purposeful act to a place of waste. This is a distortion and perversion; turning meaningfulness into meaninglessness. A heterosexual experience even if it will not produce life, it is nevertheless an act that can produce life, as opposed to a homosexual act which by its very essence is purposeless and meaningless. This explains why the homosexual act leaves the committing person with a depressed feeling. Research demonstrates that homosexuals have the highest rate of depressions and suicides. These high rates are not related to the stigma they possibly experience as evidenced by the equally high rates in countries where stigma is not a factor (e.g., Sweden where homosexuality has had minimal stigma for half a century).

 

We need to put this issue into broader context. One must realize the fundamental difference between Western and Jewish culture. The perennial struggle underlying much of our history is the following: Is the ultimate purpose for man the Self or is it God? This struggle is behind the chet of Adam Harishon, the Machlokes of Nimrod and Avrohom, of Esav and Yaakov, and of Klal Yisroel and Umos Haolam. We are still engaged in this struggle. The broader world that embraces the lifestyle of homosexuality is embracing Esav and Nimrod; they are building the Migdal of Bavel. And in the world in which we live which we are fundamentally opposed puts frum mental health professionals in a difficult position. They spend years in university listening to professors elaborate on their view of what life is all about. Sadly, some of that approach rubs off and the student in danger of being affected with Nimrodism and Eisavism, of being infected with a value system that says that life is for the purpose of oneself while the Jews are saying that life is for the purpose of serving G-d.

 

There is a well-known great philosopher from the University of Chicago who wrote a book called Athens and Jerusalem. Its central thesis is that throughout the history of the world there has been an ongoing dispute between Athens, which posits that life is for man, and Jerusalem, which posits that life is for God. Civilizations constantly fluctuate between these two. The United Sates was founded on the basis of In God we trust, of values and spirituality. Now, the pendulum has swung back and has brought us to Athens. Athens was a place where they worshipped the Self: they performed naked and acts of homosexuality and pedophilia were widespread.

 

We need to realize that we are not part of that culture. As Jews, we are successful when we base ourselves on our own values. Rome did not survive; what the United States stands for today will not survive; and Jews who indulge in the worship of the Self will not survive. Theirs is the world of Nimrod, but we must not submit. Psychologists must try to retain their Judaic values. This is especially challenging when you sat at the feet of Nimrod and listened to him for a number of years, but nevertheless, we must not submit.  

 

 

Kibud Av Vaeim

 

A boy catches his father multiple times doing something that is wrong such as watching pornography. How do we explain to this child that the father might be doing something wrong without losing respect for the father? On the other hand, perhaps it is okay for him to lose respect yet still show respect externally.

 

There is a machlokes if Kibbud Av Vaeim obligates internal respect or just actions (external respect).  The Chayei Adam understands the obligation as internal respect, but there is no source for this. Rishonim seem to say that it is about external actions and not related to what one feels. So, even if a father is a rasha, the son should still be mechabed him via external actions.  

 

What message can we tell this child? Don’t judge! Al tadin es chavercha ad shetagia limkomo. A child should understand that his father has his own yetzer hora to deal with as do all people. He may have also experienced things in life that have pulled him in this direction.  We hope that he will improve, but it is not the role of the child to change him. Basically, the child come to realize that his Kibbud Av Vaeim shouldn’t be affected by what happened.

 

Question: What are the Chiyuvei Kibud Av Vaeim towards a father who is abusive and a source of pain to the child?

 

If the child is old enough, he should leave the house. As long as he is home or in the proximity of the parents, he needs to treat the father with external kavod, although he doesn’t need to respect him internally. He needs to learn how to live and navigate the situation. There is never a place for a child to talk angrily or disrespectfully to a parent who is oiver issurim and it is also not psychologically healthy for the child. If the father is actively abusive, son should be taught how to be assertive to stop him (but not insult). He should be taught to resist and to respond assertively and respectfully. Many of these scenarios require an individualized conversation to chart a proper course of action.

 

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Families in distress

 

We often see families in distress, including parents in distress and mothers who are having difficulty coping. Is there a place to tell families to reconsider having more children? Is emotional health a calculation and to what degree?

 

If they have a boy and a girl, they fulfilled the mitzvah of Pru U’rvu. If this is the case and there is overwhelming stress, they can be told to reconsider having more children. . Therapists cannot paskin this, but can suggest that they speak to a Rav.  If they were not mekayem the mitzvah, they are obligated to have children.

 

Question: If there are Shalom Bayis issues in Shana Rishona before they have children, would the Rosh Yeshiva suggest birth control?

 

I know many do this, but I am against it. You can’t play Ribono shel Olam. I don’t think that we should be interfering in what is a mitzvah in the Torah—the mitzvah of Pru U’rvu. There are Rabbonim who will tell people to use birth control, but I think that it is wrong. Their achrayus to have children demands that they find ways to reconcile, not to push it off. Even if they will not reconcile, one is not automatically damaging them. We don’t know how children will end up and cannot make a blanket statement that children of bad marriages and divorce are guaranteed to be wrecked.  If people find out regarding mental illness, medical illness or other major problem right before the marriage, perhaps that is different and one may use birth control.

 

 

Hitting children

 

Is this a practice that we would recommend today? If not, how do we reconcile not hitting with the Posuk in Mishlei “Chosech Shivto, sonei bno” (“Spare the rod, spoil the child”).

 

The Gaon in Mishley on that Posuk says that one must be careful not to strike the child out of anger. If there will be anger involved, you are patur from this possuk! The same posuk concludes U’lmoves al titen nafsho (make sure he doesn’t come to die), meaning make sure that there is no harm or abuse. It needs to be Kulo lishem shomaim. This is very difficult to hit a child without being motivated by anger. If one is able to accomplish this, it is praiseworthy just as discipline in general is praiseworthy. Someone told me that when punished by his father, his father would tell him I am punishing you because I love you and the child remembered this fondly for his entire lifetime. Chazal tell us that smol doche viyimin mikareves, indicating that love needs to be balanced with discipline. Some say that things have changed these days, but children still need discipline. If anything changed, it is that the parents do so more out of anger. However children need and crave discipline just as they need and crave structure. Discipline creates structure. So, if one’s motivation is nekama (revenge) or anger, he is oiver an issur, but if one’s motivation is for the child’s good, then this is commendable. If you can’t do it properly, even if in doubt if you can do so properly, it is best to refrain.

 

 Most of us spend our days listening to tzaros. Perhaps the Rosh Yeshiva can give us some chizuk!

 

You are helping other people! You are engaged in an occupation that is pure gemillus chesed. The greatest pain that exists is psychological pain—more than physical pain (Rabbeinu Yonah says that shame is a greater pain than death. That is why it is yehorag v’al yaavor to embarrass someone (as we see in the case of Tamar and Yehuda). Embarrassment, shame, guilt, being misused, disappointment, disillusionment are all deeply painful, destructive, and paralyzing.  The fact that you are available to allow them to talk and will listen to them is so important. And you might help them also. You are engaged in chesed constantly. That is the greatest chizuk!

 

The key to everything is not to live for the Self; this is the key to happiness. If someone insulted us or even molested us, we can transcend it by becoming involved with others. The greatest therapy is to go beyond the Self and help others. This is where we started—the ruach should not be directed to the Self—it needs to be directed towards the neshama. When it is directed to the Self, we are full of pain. The Rambam writes regarding someone who insulted him that the other person enjoyed it and it doesn’t bother the Rambam, so let that person have fun. The secular world may not understand this, but we know that the key to everything is selflessness. This is the key to marriage, to raising children and this is what defines the Jewish people.