Social Anxiety and Shyness in children: When is it a problem?

When observing children, what often appears as social anxiety, is, in fact, age-appropriate behavior without necessitating too much concern from parents.  See below for some distinctions between ordinary shyness and social anxiety. 

Leah Stern is concerned about her 6-year-old daughter, Chanala.  When Mrs. Stern meets a friend in public, Chanala hides behind her mother and will often cry when the friend bends down to address her. Furthermore, besides for playing with a cousin and downstairs neighbor, Chanala doesn’t like visiting other children on Shabbos. When Leah informed her daughter on Shabbos that she asked a friend to come over, Chanala looked absolutely terrified.

Yehuda, age 11, refused to go to school the first day of class. He's afraid that the Rebbi will have everyone in the class introduce themselves.  Whenever he has to speak in front of more than just a few people, his voice starts shaking and his face gets red. Afterwards, he feels so humiliated. Even though his brother’s bar mitzvah is over six months away, Yehuda is already dreading it. He constantly obsesses about how he will answer everyone who will approach him to say Mazel Tov.

Are these scenarios typical of children? Are they just classical shyness, which children will likely grow out of, or is it something more serious that parents need to address? Let us first define both shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder, as manifested in children.   

Shy children have been described as “slow-to-warm-up.” These children are cautious around others; they think that everyone is staring at them and that they will make a big mistake.  They have a rich imagination, which leads them to worries. Aside from worrying, they often are hesitant to participate in activities. For example, at recess they may stare at a group of children playing, but back off if anyone offers them to join. Often, they exhibit stage fright, as evidenced by the many children who put up a hard time before they perform in the school Chanuka or end-of-year play.  

Shyness is common in young children; as many as 38 percent of children have reported experiencing shyness.  Aside from its widespread nature, shyness is also not considered a serious problem. Given a little time and patience, shy children DO get used to things. Moreover, shy children have a rich inner life: they are often thoughtful, creative, and empathic. In fact, children’s distrust of strangers may serve them well to protect themselves from people who would do them harm. Chazal tell us that one of the traits of Am Yisroel is Baishonim--loosely translated as inhibited behavior—a word which certainly contains traces of the midda of shyness. Many in our communities correctly describe this behavior in a positive manner, utilizing terminilogy such as “eydel.”

While shyness itself is not a problem, extreme shyness is problematic. Social Anxiety Disorder, which affects less than 5% of children, refers to a pervasive and enduring pattern of shyness, which begins to seriously interfere with a child’s day to day functioning. Chazal were likely referring to this level of shyness when the Misha teaches us “Loi habaishon lomaid (Avos Perek 4).     

While professionals are trained to differentiate between ordinary shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder, parents should be aware of some guidelines that are relevant in this decision. A central question to clarify is interference: to what extent is the problem interfering with ordinary functioning. This interference can be noticed by anticipatory worry, behavioral avoidance, and physical symptoms. Children suffering from social anxiety are consumed with worries and will obsess excessively about upcoming social encounters—well before the actual event. This often leads to prolonged avoidance of everyday activities including reading in class, speaking to adults, taking tests, performing in front of others, or even attending school. Lastly, children with social anxiety often report (or parents notice) physical symptoms. These include shortness of breath, nausea, trembling, sweating, or feeling dizzy related to upcoming social situations.

In the above examples, Chanala was classified as shy (following a thorough assessment). Her shyness caused difficulty when meeting new people or while playing with some children, but it didn’t interfere with her everyday functioning. Yes, she felt anxiety at the moment of the social encounter, but she wasn’t obsessing about it far in advance and she interacted with others at home right afterwards as though nothing was wrong. On a day-to-day basis, she was doing well, and will likely become accustomed to new things if given appropriate space. Yehuda, on the other hand, was found to be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. His shyness reached the level where it interfered with his normal day to day life. Months before his bar mitzvah, he was obsessing about it to the extent that nothing else mattered. In addition to his obsessive worry, Yehuda often refused school, clearly more intense than the typical hesitation and even occasional avoidance witnessed with shy children.

As parents, you can monitor your child’s shyness to determine if it is becoming more severe as they age or if it begins to disappear as they become more confident. Aside from monitoring, there are steps that you can take to help them develop the confidence necessary to deal with social encounters. For further information, see book recommendations below. If you suspect that your child is exhibiting excessive social anxiety, it is recommended to consult with a mental health professional.

Related Books

Markway, B & Markway S.G. Nurturing the Shy Child: Practical Help for Raising Confident and Socially Skilled Kids and Teens

Madorsky Elman N., & Kennedy-Moore, E. The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends.