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So I went online and found some of the corniest Purim material I can find... Not so easy. There's loads of this stuff.
Disclaimer: This material is digested better with some alcohol. I wouldn't know this personally.
I just know how reading it went down when I digested it sober.
Enjoy, and A Freilechen Purim!!!
Top Twelve Rejected Purim Shpeil Titles
12. The Megillah Files
11. Mr. Haman's Neighborhood
10. Hangin' with Mr. Haman
9. Sleepless in Shushan
8. You've Got Scroll
7. My Best Friend's Wedding: A Shushan Story
6. Morderocky V
5. Shushan Don't Bother Me
4. Sedan Chair Named Shushan
3. The Queens of King (Ahasuerus)
2. Lethal Haman
And the Number 1 Rejected Purim Shpeil Title is:
1. Adar 13, This time it's personal!
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The Purim Hagaddah
Beis Maxwell Edition
Featuring the commentary of the Moshav Leitzim
Edited by HaRav E. Sommer, Shlit"ah
I. Introduction
The custom of the Purim feast is widespread among the Jews.
But the original custom, as instituted by Mordechai, not only
involved a festive meal, but an entire ceremony as well.
The Purim Seder, as it is known, is similar in nature to one
most Jews know from Passover. Until about 100 yeas ago, the
Purim Seder was observed by Jews the world over. But then the
custom died out, leaving the Seudah as its only remnant.
Recently, however, this lost custom has experienced a revival.
Fortunately, all the laws, customs, songs and prayers of Purim
Seder can still be found in the Purim Hagaddah, which had been
lost, but just recently came to light.
II. The Seder Plate
The Seder plate contains the five foods most often used in
Mishloach Manot. Their arrangement on the plate is as follows.
(image of plate with: Gummy Worms / Jelly Fish, Loose Pretzels,
Egozi Bar, Orange, small box of raisins)
Another custom for the arrangement of the Seder plate is as follows:
(image of plate with: same as above plus Dipsy Doodles)
Some Rabbis permit the substitution of a Kit Kat for the Egozi bar.
The orange can be replaced by an apple or a kiwi b'sha'at ha'dchak.
III. Whiskey
At various points throughout the Seder, a total of ten shots of
whiskey are consumed, representing the ten chapters of the Book of
Esther. Ideally, one should use a fine single malt. However,
one may also be yotzei the mitzvah using a blended whiskey.
Some Rabbis also permit Jack Daniels. For those who cannot afford
whiskey, lenient opinions exist permitting the use of various
cheaper alcoholic beverages, from airplane whiskey to anti-freeze.
In such cases a rabbi should be consulted.
IV. Hamantashen
The mitzvah of eating hamantashen requires that hamantashen be
placed on the table. Since, in the story of Purim, the Jews were
saved by a women, we use two hamantashen representing the two women
who lived in the palace that are mentioned in the book of Esther,
Vashti and Esther. The Beis Ha'Kisei requires a third hamantashen,
representing Hagai, the eunuch.
The hamantashen should be filled with prune or poppy filling.
In Eretz Yisrael, where prune filling is not readily available,
choclate spread may be substituted.
Differing opinions exist as to the required size of the hamantachen.
All agree they must be the size of Haman's ear, but halachik sources
differ as to what size Haman's ears were. The Shulchan Aruch holds
that Haman's ear was the same size as our ears today, and hence,
each of the three sides of the triangular hamantashen must be
2 inches long. The Mishnah Berurah holds that Haman had especially
large ears, and sets the length of each side of the hamantashen at
3 inches. The Chazon Ish holds that back in the third century
B.C.E., peoples' ears actually reached all the way down to the
floor, citing as proof the popular kids song "Do Your Ears Hang Low."
Thus, he holds that the hamantashen must be 6 feet long per side.
V. The Seder
To begin the seder, the first shot of whiskey is drunk.
At this point, the hamantashen are uncovered, and all the participants
recite the following prayer together:
This is the triangular bread, which our forefathers ate in the land
of Persia. Whoever comes to our door with mishloach manot, we will
pass along the food that the person just before him brought to us.
Whoever comes to our door with mishloach manot, we will pretend
that we aren't surprised, and had planned on giving to him all
along. This year we had to use one of our floating holidays;
next year may we be given the day off. This year we are home;
next year may we be invited out.
At this point, the top hamantashen is broken down the middle.
The bigger half is hidden somewhere in house; hopefully, it will be
found by Passover.
The second shot of whiskey is now drunk.
The Torah speaks of four sons: the smart son, the wicked son, the
simple son and the son who knows not how to ask.
The smart son - what does he say?: "This whole thing about dressing
up in costume - didn't we steal that from Halloween?"
The wicked son - what does he say?: "I'm starving! Can we skip
all this junk and just get to the meal already?!"
The simple son - what does he say?: "Can I have your raisins?"
As for the son who knows not how to ask: Enjoy it while it lasts!
You'll have plenty of time later on in of your life to field his
smart-aleck questions.
At the point in the Seder, the names of Haman's ten sons are recited.
To pretend that we take no joy even in the destruction of our enemies,
as each name is read, it is customary to dip one's little finger
into the middle of the hamantashen, take out a small bit of filling,
and wipe the filling on ones neck, symbolizing that fact that the
sons were hanged.
1. Parshendatah
2. Dalphon
3. Aspatah
4. Poratah
5. Adaliah
6. Aridatah
7. Parmashtah
8. Arisai
9. Aridai
10. Vaizatah
Rabbi Judah made up acronyms to remember the names:
PD"A
PA"A
PAA"V
What exactly is so clever about that? Nobody knows.
The third and fourth shots of whiskey are now drunk.
Rabbi Akiva says: The Megillah speaks of the hanging of Haman's ten
sons not once, but twice - once, when listing all the people killed
by the Jews during the war, and the second time, when Esther asks
the King to have them hanged. From this we see that Haman really
had twenty sons.
Rabbi Tarphon says: The first time it mentions the hanging of Haman's
sons, it lists the ten names; the second time it lists them as one
unit, for a total of eleven listings. If each listing represents
ten sons, it can be inferred that Haman had 110 sons.
Rabbi Meir says: When the Megillah lists the names of Haman's sons,
it precedes each name by the word 'and'. If each 'and' and each
name each represent ten sons, it can be inferred that Haman had
200 sons, plus the ten mentioned again later on, for a total of
210 sons. Which explains why he was actually relieved when the
King decided to have him hanged.
The fifth shot of whiskey is now drunk.
What Would Have Been the Point?
If Vashti had been banished, but Esther had never become Queen
What Would Have Been the Point?
If Esther had become Queen but had not learned of Haman's plot
What Would Have Been the Point?
If Esther had learned of Haman's plot, but had not been granted an
audience with the King
What Would Have Been the Point?
If Esther had been granted an audience with the King, but the King
had not had trouble sleeping
What Would Have Been the Point?
If the King had had trouble sleeping, but had not read about
Mordechai
What Would Have Been the Point?
If the King had read about Mordechai, but had not asked Haman to
lead him around on a horse
What Would Have Been the Point?
If the King had asked Haman to lead Mordechai around on a horse,
but had not gone to Esther's party
What Would Have Been the Point?
If the King had gone to Esther's party, but had not had Haman
hanged
What Would Have Been the Point?
If the King had had Haman hanged, but had not made the Jews
victorious over their enemies
What Would Have Been the Point?
But the Holy One, Blessed be He:
Had Vashti banished
Had Esther become Queen
Had Esther learn of Haman's plot
Had Esther granted an audience with the King
Had the King have trouble sleeping
Had him read about Mordechai
Had him ask Haman to lead Mordechai around on a horse
Had the King go to Esther's party
Had Haman hanged
And made the Jews victorious over their enemies
Which was, after all, the whole point
The sixth shot of whiskey is now drunk.
The hamantashen are now eaten. Take the whole hamantashen, plus
the broken half, in one hand and recite the blessing:
Blessed art thou, our G-d, who hath commanded us on the mitzvah of
eating hamantashen
The hamantashen should now be stuffed down ones throat within the
allotted time of 22 seconds.
We now take the orange from the Seder plate, a bit of hamantashen
filling, and some tequila and say:
In commemoration of the temple of Hillel. Thus would Hillel do:
He would suck on the orange, lick some hamantashen filling off
the back of his fist, and take a shot of tequila, in order to
fulfill what is written: "'Sof ma'a'seh b'machshavah techilla' -
do not read 'techilla', but rather 'tequila'."
Now, with everyone on the verge of starvation, yet sickened from
eating all those hamantashen, we finally arrive at the main meal.
By the time the meal is over, one has probably lost count of how
many shots of whiskey have been drunk. One should now drink the
remaining shots of whiskey freely.
The traditional hymn "One hundred bottles of beer on the wall" is
now sung.
This hymn dates back to Babylon during the Amoraic period, where is
was composed by a group of rabbis who stayed a bit too late in the
bait midrash one night.
One hundred bottles of beer on the wall
One hundred bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
(Continue until no more bottles of beer remain on the wall)
Now, to fulfill the mitzvah of "ad d'lo yadah," we sing the following
song:
Who knows Haman?
I know Haman!
Haman was the one who adopted Esther.
…Or was that Mordechai?
Having now come to the end of the Seder, the song "One Little Paper"
is sung.
This song was written by Rabbi Shmuel of Chelm, in the late 18th century.
The commentators tell us that the paper symbolizes the Jews, known
as "The People of the Book", the scissors symbolize Haman, who was
a barber by profession, and the rock symbolizes G-d, who is known
by the nickname "Tzur Yisrael" (The Rock of Israel).
One little paper, one little paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the scissors and cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the rock and jammed the scissors
That cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the paper and covered up the rock
That jammed the scissors, that cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the scissors and cut the paper
That covered the rock, that jammed the scissors
That cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the rock and jammed the scissors
That cut the paper, that covered the rock
That jammed the scissors, that cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the paper and covered up the rock
That jammed the scissors, that cut the paper
That covered the rock, that jammed the scissors
That cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
And then came the scissors and cut the paper
That covered the rock, that jammed the scissors
That cut the paper, that covered the rock
That jammed the scissors, that cut the paper
That Father bought for two zloti
One little paper, one little paper
(Continue forever, or until the Messiah comes and reveals the
ending)
Some now have the custom to read The Book of Esther throughout the
night. Others have the custom to sit back and do shots of Jagermeister.
Still others have the custom to read the Book of Esther while doing
shots of Jagermeister.