Important note: not all people who gaslight are “bad”. Read disclaimer below for more.

 

You Have a “Felt Sense” that Something is Not Quite Right…

 

You've been spending time with someone who has a draw to them, they are compelling, funny and inviting. This may be someone you’ve known for years, someone you spend time with often or someone you get to see once in a while.

Or, you may have met someone new- a date, a colleague or a new friend. You may find yourself smiling when you're with them, maybe even laughing more than usual. And when you’re with this person, you feel like there's something that just feels like home. It's comfortable, it’s familiar and enjoyable….well, for the most part.

 

But then there's this nagging feeling; something feels off in your body but you don’t know what it is.

 

If you slow down and listen carefully, you will notice familiar sensations inside your body.

They will have descriptive qualities to them. You can’t quite attach a cognitive memory to that feeling but the “felt sense” is not new.

You have felt it before in another time and another place.

 

Your body is trying to tell you something.

 

What you are feeling is called a somatic sense of what is going on in your mind and body. Each of our senses send messages to the body triggering responses all day long.

Our sixth sense: the “felt sense”

We all know about the main five - sight, sound, taste, smell, touch. Our sixth sense is called “felt sense”, which, for many of us, stays quiet in the unconscious mind unless we are consciously being mindful or our body has sensed that we have experienced something important and significant. This “felt sense” triggers our body to send us back an important message in response.

 

What can you do when your body talks to you? You can listen in.

 

Though the nagging feeling is not something that's easy to verbalize, it's a valid feeling.

 

It’s making you take a pause.

When you reflect on your time spent with this person, something is nagging at you. Maybe it's the familiar feeling of being ignored, belittled or the vulnerable state of feeling like you are overly sensitive and will be judged. You wonder what it is that is going on between the two of you- because there seems to be a fun vibe when you spend time, but you’re almost always left with a yucky taste in your mouth afterward. You don’t quite know if it’s related to them specifically or to a past experience that feel similar to you.

Because you are left with this discomfort each time you are alone, your loved ones keep telling you to pull away from this person. After all, you come home in a grouchy mood. Whether these symptoms are specifically about this person or not, this relationship is not bringing out the best in you. It is triggering an unsteady “Felt sense” inside you. You’re beginning to think this relationship may not be good for you if you don’t make changes to the dynamic. You’ve begun to wonder…

Are you being gaslit?

Only you can answer that question. Sometimes, it can become counterproductive to ruminate on whether or not you are actually being gaslit. In the process we often end up gaslighting ourselves more than anything. Our tendency to intellectualize emotions can easily get in our way of truly tuning into our felt sense, which is the deeply spiritual core, the self-healing part of ourselves. Sometimes you just have to listen to your gut because something isn’t right, and, rather than focusing on whether someone is, in fact, gaslighting, you channel your focus and tune inward toward your “felt sense”, the way your body is reacting to being in this relationship.

Your body sends you messages of danger and it’s important to listen to those messages and process them, even if there is no blatant “evidence” that there is gaslighting (especially since gaslighting is so subtle). You don’t necessarily need evidence or to label the other person’s behavior accurately in order to understand and heal somatically with your own “felt sense”.

 

Feel it to heal it.

5 somatic symptoms that present when you’re being gaslit.

 

1} You feel disconnected from yourself and your environment

You feel out of touch with the world around you, likely because you’re unconsciously exhausted by the challenging mental dynamics you're dealing with.

Your eyes are glossed over. You look at yourself in the mirror and you’re not your vibrant self.

 

You seem almost hollow.

If someone you love looked you in the eyes, they’d know that something is making your eyes sad, or that something is worrying you. “Glossed over eyes” is a common symptom of dissociation - which is a psychological coping mechanism when the mind has too much to hold at the same time. Emotional flooding causes a disconnect from reality to cope with the overwhelm. You may look spaced out, or you may feel like you’re floating far away from yourself, others or the world.

This describes two responses clinically known as dissociation; “depersonalization” or “derealization”. The reason you’re feeling this way is because the pain, fear, worry, confusion and sadness is way too intense for your psyche, and your body would not be able to function at all if it felt the intensity of your emotions fully.

 

2} You feel frozen on completely drained of energy

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are some of the more famous survival instincts but with gaslighting, fight or flight is usually not successful because it doesn’t hit you right away. It’s a buildup, so freeze, fawn and dissociation are more common somatic reactions to gaslighting.

It’s the only survival tactic in some instances. For example, if your partner, roommate or friend is criticizing everything you do, and you need to tip toe around them constantly, you will eventually feel the strain. The longer it goes on, the more exhausted and frightened you will feel. If you felt the intensity of the emotions full though, you'd’ not be able to budge out of bed and get on with your daily routine. So the body has a mechanism where it disconnects and freezes the emotions, so you can function - but the mechanism comes with a symptom of feeling out of touch. It's like you’re wearing a numbing lotion - it doesn't feel good but it serves a purpose.

 

3} You’re feeling wobbly and not grounded.

You know the feeling of being present and connected to yourself, right? I hope so. This is the exact opposite feeling. Relationships and being connected to others and the world around us is essentially what help us feel steady, seen and that we belong. When relationships are nourishing, and we are respected we feel like we can shine and show up to our life, our goals, and our relationships with a sense of energy and presence. When you spend time with someone who is gaslighting you it is likely that you leave feeling disoriented, insecure and wobbly. Not a good feeling!

 

4} You feel scared or anxious… and don’t know why.

 

The body senses fear quicker than the mind can process so when you’re with someone who triggers something inside you that makes you feel like you’re losing your mind, maybe by talking in a demeaning fashion, your body let’s you know. You may feel like your muscles are tight, your jaw is tense, your eyes may be twitching, or your stomach is in knots. Being around someone toxic or whose presence is harming you emotionally or mentally will impact your body. The body sends danger signals to let you know to “get out”, “leave now”, or “find safety”. Listen to your body’s needs just like you’d listen to a crying baby who is cold, scared or afraid. Don’t gaslight yourself for feeling this way. The worst thing you can tell yourself is to “Stop being a baby.” You are NOT a baby. A part of you is dealing with something very painful and needs your compassion.

 

5} Your posture has shifted.

 

Having someone whispering criticism in your ear, judging you, or making you doubt your own sanity has impacted the way you carry yourself. You feel doubtful of your own instincts and you’re second guessing your decisions. When you’re with someone who feeds your negative self-perceptions they are toxic for you to be around. You become even more highly critical of yourself, almost to a point of feeling too crippled to make an easy choice and move along with your day. Many people underestimate the powerful insights you can find in posture and body language. When you become more attuned to it, you may notice that your posture has shifted lately. You look like you're hunching which often represents the burdens we carry). Or you may walk with a less energetic gait, which indicates that you are feeling pulled down and downtrodden by your relational struggle.

The posture isn't the primary issue here. You don't need a chiropractor or a physical therapist (necessarily). Body posture helps you to listen in on what is going on so you can see what areas might need a shift. When we are around people who are scary, we either shrivel up so we are tiny or we feel the need to puff our chests out so we feel strong enough to engage. Both of those leave us unbalanced.

Eeek, I’m being gaslit, what do I do now?

 

Begin to set boundaries (and if needed, come up with an exit strategy). There are so many people in this world who can bring fullness and good energy to your life. It’s totally normal to want to chase and fix relationships that are not going well. Many people are even drawn to “The chase” of the push / pull dynamic.

But just know, you don't need to keep feeling these feelings. You can refocus your energies on the people who make you feel a sense of wholeness, the people who inspire you and make you feel like you can achieve anything.

Holding onto and focusing on our unhealthy relationships tends to weigh us down and keep us from becoming the kind of person we really want to be. You can’t let your body hold onto all of this pressure and burdens forever.

Remember… somatic symptoms are telling you that “something is wrong”.

Don’t ignore it.

 

If you’re in a relationship- of any kind-with someone who is not right for you and brings out all of these heavy body sensations, please know that you can change things.

You can place yourself in a seat of empowerment.

You can make some small shifts.

Even a small one goes a long way!

And if you’re wanting the deeper dive into “How did I land Up In This Relationship? Understanding and Healing”…

stay tuned for our next blog that helps you understand what are often the underpinnings beneath the fatal attraction in some relationships, and actionable steps to take to helping you in your healing..

Until that comes out, we have some resources for you below…

Click here for Gaslighting FAQs

 

And if you’re seeking one on one help, reach out to a trusted mentor or therapist to help you.

Sending strength to your mind, body and spirit…

Xx

Esther and the Integrative Team