Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Recovery

Most people are familiar both with gaslighting and being gaslit in some way, but not everyone notices signs of it in their relationship until irreparable damage has been caused. Join me in this fictitious, yet revealing story about my client Jenny and her relationship experiences with Jhonny as she peels away the layers to find a slow and steady “gas leak” that had been keeping her feeling “off”, fuzzy, disoriented, sluggish and lonely for quite some time.

This story is not about any one particular client but in some ways their story represents the pain of many clients. If you see yourself in any familiar details it is purely coincidental.

Unfortunately gaslighting is one of the most common forms of manipulation and it’s harmfully present in many relationships, even non-abusive ones. If you find yourself in a relationship dynamic like this, you are not alone. There is help out there - if both people in the relationship are willing to invest time and effort into learning and practicing new healthier relationship patterns.

 

 

 

The Story of Jhonny & Jen

“Hey babe, it’s so good to see you here”.

Jhonny swoops down to give Jenny a wide eyed grin. He’s got a sparkle when he smiles and it lights Jenny’s face up. But almost as quickly as it lit up, it fell. It’s like there was a flashlight that sparked the room with a bright light and then the darkness resurfaced ….almost instantaneously.

 

Jenny was not happy with Jhonny.

Yes, on paper he was everything she had always said she was looking for.

The tall, dark, handsome guy. He wasn’t too good looking though, so he wasn’t eye candy for the jealous girls, but, as she said, he was hot enough that her skin crawled with excitement and her heart fluttered when he glanced in her direction.

This was her description of Jhonny a year ago, when she had first met him.

Jhonnny was known in the community as a “forever bachelor” until he was in his late 30s. The girls all knew that he was “untouchable” or rather, “non committal” but when he gave a girl attention, all her preconceived notions about him were easily tossed away. Each one felt that she could be the one to break the spell and become his one and only.

As Jenny recapped “It was partially the lure of a fantasy that ‘maybe he will finally settle with me’ and partially it was his charisma and capacity to connect emotionally, that girls would engage with him even with his non-committal reputation.”

But Jenny wasn’t like any of those women who fell for Jhonny’s suave remarks and kind gestures. Jenny was a smart, put-together woman who is cautious and usually picks up on red flags. Jenny seemed to have attuned her radar.

So when Jenny won Jhonny’s heart, she almost didn’t realize that he had won hers too.

 

She had promised herself to date only kindhearted, generous, and caring men…

She knew Jhonny didn't make her “eligible" date list due to his history and reputation, but somehow they had become friends and things shifted. Jenny truly believed that Jhonny was different - with her at least.

 

It all began on a summer night.

Jenny and her friends were the organizers at an engagement party. They offered to come early to help the party planners set up and clean up, as they knew the bride, and wanted to help out so the event would be as enjoyable as possible. Jhonny saw Jenny from the corner of his eye, and he felt compelled to come over to her. In retrospect, Jenny wonders if it’s because she was one of the only girls who didn’t stare at him in amazement and try to chase him, or if there was some other unconscious pull towards her. Whatever it was, Jhonny was set on meeting Jenny and getting to know her.

He began a conversation with Jenny about the event, and asked if he could follow up with some questions about the way she planned the event. This sounded safe to Jenny so she gave him her number. Slowly, over time, the texts became more frequent. They became less about “party planning'“ and more about meeting up for coffee, or even dinner.

 

Since Jenny had gotten to know Jhonny over time, she got to see a kinder side to him, a softer side she hadn’t been privy too sooner.

 

Jhonny, like most people, has many different parts to him. He has the abrasive, outspoken side of him, but he also has a kind and gentle side. A side that loves, and wants to be loved. A part that cares deeply, listens attentively and dreams beautiful dreams of family life. These parts were not part of his reputation, so Jenny felt she was privy to something special.

Over the next few months Jenny and Jhonny became the town's most amazing couple.

 

The two were a powerhouse team.

They’d help plan events, they’d host community gatherings and they’d show up to young professional meet-ups and bring crowds together with their shared energy.

Jhonny was deeply intelligent and Jenny was vibrant, wise and emotionally attuned, so it was no wonder that when they stood together, their friends smiled, hoping to hear wedding bells soon.

Jenny had been wanting to find a partner as she was reaching her mid 30’s, and wanted to have children while still energetic. Though Jhonny was the last person she had considered in the past, she began thinking about him as a potential life partner.

He had mentioned the idea of engagement a few times, but she quickly shut it down. Though she, too, was thinking about it, she had a niggling feeling inside that needed some attention before letting Jhonny know if she was ready to tie the knot.

You see, though Jhonny was kind and loving in general, when he was upset or didn't get “enough” attention from Jenny, he would easily turn cold and dismissive. When Jenny would bring up her discomfort about the ways he would treat her in those moments, he would simply look at her with a dumbfounded look and say “oh honey…you must be feeling upset and tired”. He would deflect the responsibility and would not acknowledge the dynamic and implicit exchange that had taken place.

 

At first, Jenny thought she was in the wrong; she must be tired, or she must have been making a big deal out of things that were not a big deal at all.

He would tell her that she’s overreacting and too sensitive. When she hosted a family meet-up and her aunts criticized her dining room set, he laughed at her discomfort, saying it was no big deal. When she pointed out that Jhonny spent a long time talking to a super hot woman at the bar of a wedding they had gone to, he laughed and said “ha! That’s nothing, I can give you a reason to feel jealous if you want.”

And when she had an interview he told her to call him for directions on her way because her GPS app was not working. When she tried he was unreachable (after promising to be available). Instead of apologizing for not being available when he said he would, he told her that she was crazy and said she was so needy, making a big deal over nothing. He told her she needed to become more self-sufficient.

When she was getting dressed for her best friend's wedding, having spent a lot of money to match the wedding party at the bride's request, he told her that she was not that great of a friend to the bride so why was she wearing the ugly color that made her look like a pumpkin instead of wearing the hot red dress that made her look like eye candy. When she started to tear up because she was hurt about the pumpkin comment, he got mad at her and said “ It was just my opinion! Take it or leave it. You don’t have to be a cry baby about it”, and stormed off.

Jenny thought she was ok, though she began to have a tired look on her face, even when she had slept more than 8 hours. Her friends started noticing a growing sadness enveloping Jenny and when they asked, she said all was ok, but it clearly wasn’t.

 

You see, Jhonny was gaslighting Jenny.

It took time for that to be seen because often, gaslighters are good at mental manipulation. Often, when someone is gaslighting they don’t even realize it themselves, but they are still causing deep deep harm.

Since Jhonny had never been in a serious relationship, he had never had anyone call him out in this behavior. In business, he had partners who expressed difficulty working collaboratively with him but Jhonny blew those comments off as he assumed they were just too sensitive. But in his relationship with Jenny, it all came piling out.

Jenny came into my office looking confused, disoriented and out of sync with herself. She told me the story of who she was before she met Jhonny, and how she is starting to realize that “Jenny” is no longer the part of her that shows up most of the time.

“I don’t know where I went, Esther, but I feel like “vibrant Jenny” is gone. I didn’t realize anything till my best friends Debra and Sam called me up and said I need to go talk to someone. At first I told them they’re being nuts but then I realized they are picking up on something subtle but true. So, here I am. Please help me!”

Over the next few sessions I slowly unwrapped the bubble wrap Jenny had surrounded her heart with. It was as if her psyche was finally settling into the space with me, and as she did, her heart knew she had found safety. Safety in my office, but more importantly, safety in her own mind. As we slowly made space for her story, of who she is, who she was and the unspoken burdens she was carrying, her mind started settling.

 

It’s almost like feeding her brain truth was like giving an astronaut desperately needed oxygen.

 

As a somatic therapist, I know the importance of not just working with my client’s mind, giving them information that provides clarity; but also staying attuned to the body, noticing what it needs in order to “digest” the information so that it can settle, breath and find relief.

Jenny had been living in a dissociative state of survival for a while, and her body had been on “autopilot”, which was great for getting through the day, but was wearing down her emotional stamina and was causing her to lose her spark and joy.

 

During the following few months of counseling we focused on a mix of grief work, finding her “self” again and boundary setting.

 

There were sessions of heavy, sad tears of pain - pain that her body was holding for too long, but she couldn’t afford to feel, and finally now, there was space to feel, to mourn, to cry and to slowly let go. Jenny had to grieve her lost dreams of this marriage, one that she so desperately wanted to work out. She had to grieve the love she had poured into Jhonny, the home she imagined building with him and the years past of waiting for Mister Right. She grieved the parts of Jhonny she loved, and felt anger and rage about the ways he manipulated and hurt her.

 

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The truth is, we all experience similar relationship dynamics as Jenny to some extent.

 

Maybe not in a romantic way, but most people are familiar with gaslighting and being gaslit.

The severity and consistency will vary. Like any other behavior, gaslighting is on a spectrum. A hurtful comment that has the underpinning of gaslighting once in a blue moon followed by a heartfelt apology when it’s pointed out is completely healthy. Most of us are not in our games 100% of the time and we can hurt others without realizing. That isn’t gaslighting (necessarily).

The difference between healthy and unhealthy gaslighting depends on consistency, severity, and the ability or inability to acknowledge, be held accountable and rectify the hurtfulness graciously. When gaslighting becomes abusive and manipulative it’s time to consider whether the relationship is worth continuing (obviously the stage of the relationship will make a difference and whether the other person is motivated to get help).

 

Now, back to you, dear reader…

I hope this story offers some light onto relationship dynamics, and maybe offers some comfort to you…

…if you’re in any kind of relationship; be it getting clearer on what boundaries to stick to, to keep your relationships vibrant. Or, if you’re in a relationship with someone, or considering a relationship with someone, who personifies some of the traits described..I invite you to slow down and take a breath.

 

Knowledge is power and wisdom can be eye opening.

 

Taking a small step towards making a shift can go a long way. We don’t land up in relationships overnight, and so too, shifts happen slowly. Wherever you are at, I hope that you commit to taking care of yourself and your relationships.. in whatever ways you can. And if you’re wanting to know what about setting boundaries in murky relationships, check out this blog. And if you’re wanting to know the common somatic symptoms present in those who experience gaslighting, read here.

And of course, if you’re seeking some support to help you heal or shift a relationship dynamic,  I encourage you to seek out counseling from a therapist or find a trusted mentor who can support you in whatever it is you're navigating. 

 

Until next time, sending kind wishes your way…

Esther 

 

 

 

 

*origionally posted on integrativepsych.co