Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Recovery

He had a softness to his eyes. A gentle body language, almost too gentle.

It’s like he blended into the room’s wallpaper and you wondered where he began and where he ended.

But he wasn’t bothersome. quiet the opposite, he had a soothing presence. Almost an “awake” ness to him so that you can fall asleep, should you need to.

But that was the deceiving bit. He was anything but safe.. Actually, he was quite dangerous but you wouldn’t know it. Not until you got to know him better. Not until he played with your mind just enough to make you think you’re nuts. You’d think he was your dream come true..until it wasn’t.

Until your world turned dark and you began to wonder who you really are in this thing called the universe of people.

You see, this man had the allure, the allure of the dangerous man.

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Many of us meet people who have dangerous streaks; think about anyone in leadership with a narcissistic streak, a coldhearted CEO or someone in your community who has the gift of the gab, but when you come closer, engages in disconnected, sword-spitting language.

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The same is true in all forms of relationships. And when it comes to these personalities in romantic relationships, they are not different, yet the impact can feel harsher as the interactions are intimate, and ongoing.

Let me share with you a story of a woman who had a deeply connective relationship with a invisibly “dangerous man”. I call his danger invisible, as there are no glaring outward red flags, but they are there- nonverbally, present and powerful.

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Debra was a woman I had met in a local cafe, and we had an almost instantaneous connection. When I saw her standing on line, I felt drawn to her - it was almost like I wanted to get to know her even though we had not met before. I overheard her order for a new flavored coffee, and was bold enough to ask her about it.

Her softness in her response and her patience in explaining the details to me, were so kind and sweet.

She then went on to tell me that she tasted this new flavored toasted coffee bean blend flavor on a day that she needed a perk in her life. I laughed and shared how I so relate to how coffee can hit the spot in a way that lifts our spirits.

“Sometimes it’s the small things, ay?” I said.

“Yes”, she said, and then in a lowered whisper voice she said “it was the first time I tasted real sweetness, in over a year..and not just on my tastebuds, but my heart was feeling good, actually good, for the first time in a long long while.”

I saw relief overtake her face as she took a pause and breathed.

I just ended a bad relationship and I haven’t felt this good in a while.

“Oh so you’re tasting the taste of way more than this delightful coffee bean, ay?” I ask

“Oh yes indeed”, she says, with her face breaking into a wide grin.

Over the next few minutes, we chatted and I got to know more about her. Debra was an Internist, with a specialty in cardiovascular disease. She was a smart woman.

After sharing that what I do for work, Debra starts opening up even more. Often, when someone knows that I’m a therapist, they feel more free to share. Debra and I had sat down as we were both on our lunch break. I had come for my afternoon caffeine fix, and she was in town for a meeting.

Debra goes on to share a brief overview of her relationship she recently ended. I got the 411: Jake was a guy she had strong chemistry with, it was intoxicating, sometimes enjoyable, but often unsettling and disturbing.

It seemed to me like it was pretty recent, as she shared with emotive energy….

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I nod as I listen to her share some more. “Yes, that makes sense, it seems like it was really rough, and still is in some ways, huh? It’s almost like now you’re left with digesting it all, and regaining your footing..hmm?”

She nods in agreement and then pauses. I must have not fully understood her. I’m open to hearing more…

Esther, I don’t know if anyone could truly understand what it felt like to be in that relationship unless they’ve been through it….I sometimes have moments when I can’t believe I was actually in that kind of relationship.

Ah. I think I get it a bit more now. She feels misunderstood by most- and understandably so. It seems that this particular relationship had some dynamics that were multifaceted and complex. It would make sense to me why most people wouldn’t understand the nuances that she experienced.

She goes on to describe Jake to me. And as she shares, I conjure an image in my head of Jake. The Ex Boyfriend.

Jake- the boyfriend with bittersweet love.

She describes Jake and I’m starting to get a better picture of who he is, and what it was like for her to be with him. Jake seems like Mister Bittersweet”. Now, most relationships, just like people, have different aspects to them: the soft part, the sweet part, the prickly protective parts, the bitter parts holding pain, anger or annoyance, and the between, medium parts.

Debra goes on and share about “Mister Bittersweet”….and the dialectical feelings she’s processing as she lets go…

And you know what the interesting thing is? I don’t relate to it as all bad- as painful as it was, and as manipulative Jake was, he also had super sweet parts. I miss parts of him. The smirk that would come over his face when he was about to say something funny to make me laugh. The gestures of kindness he would do so that he can feel good that he can take care of me. The chilling in the car on road trips we took when we both needed a break from the world. And the way he kissed me- those memories have some sweetness laced in them.

And those these memories sometimes flutter through my mind.

I know that it’s normal to have some positive memories. And no, I don’t regret ending the relationship for a second because I know how not-ok I was when I was in touch with him. Because any of the time I was engaged with him I was stuck in this cycle of trying to reach for him- to grasp for his attention, to create some kind of stability that I never had with him.

Debra seems to be processing her experience as she shares out loud.

And as a human and a therapist, I find that being present while someone is processing is not just a gift to them- in offering them support. But also, I learn something from the person who shares, as I hear about their experience.

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As Debra talks, I notice myself feeling compassionate to her experience with Jake.

“It took me getting out of the relationship to realize how unsteady the love was- he would “love bomb” me, would be with me for a few days at a time, but then when he had business to tend to or had stressors, he was gone. I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days and when I did, I could hear the sound of distraction from him. He had some secrets he was holding.

He had some parts of himself that were a mystery to me. I know he has layers to him I’ve never seen, and would never see.

But I knew there was more and I got glimpses of those parts of him; I heard him on the phone with a few different people, and a saw a cold, heartless side to him. He was very abrupt, and said some terribly mean things to a friend of his, when he was upset.

As she speaks, I can sense that, though Jake had some redeeming qualities, the relationship was built on a bedrock of mistrust and uncertainty.

The roller coaster nature of the relationship is indicative that the bedrock of the relationship was always unsteady, and lacking trust.

And Debra goes on…..

“For a glimmering moment, I wondered if he would do the same to me, but then, as quickly as the thought came, it disappeared, because he’d scooped me in his arms and cuddled me. Looking back at that exchange, I’m almost certain that he saw the look of fear and worry in my eyes, and wanted to distract my thought process- which he did, incredibly well.”

Debra looks up at me and I can see a shadow of darkness in her eyes.

Do you ever treat clients who are like me? The kind who are smart and wise but struggle in a relationship that is no good for them?

I chuckle lightly and tap her gently on the shoulder “Of course, Debra. You’re human. Many humans go through unique relationship challenges. As long as we learn from relationships and grow with each experience, we are growing. I notice her looking sad, and I ask about that. “ What are you feeling right now?”

She looks at me and says…

I’m sad, Esther. I’m sad because I’ve be drawn to men who are a cocktail of bittersweet. And it’s not like the men I’ve been drawn to are “work-able”, and can do the inner work - the men I’ve been pulled to are men who are not changing. I am a sliver of light that comes into their lives- I sprinkle love and care. I engage and connect.

But then I start noticing that I’m not getting much in return; and actually more than that, I begin noticing how much I’m tolerating, and it’s more than I should be. And I feel the sadness, and that’s when I bow out. So, though I thankfully let go of Jake, I’m still left with sadness.

I look at her, and I wonder if she can see the moisture in my eyes.

I can feel with her in her sadness. It sounds like a deeply painful experience, and there are many layers of emotions she’s negotiating. I feel for and with her.

As Debra shares her story, and her experience, I try to imagine putting myself in her shoes, right here right now. Living through something like that can feel very raw, and very sensitive.

I reflect on my own life: I’ve had my own fair share of lessons I’ve needed to learn about love. And here I am, witnessing one of hers. I find comfort in looking at her as I hear her story, because what I experience, while listening to her, is a woman who seems so vibrant, and so alive.

I see her strength and her clarity, even with all the confusion and pain……

…..and because of that, I have no doubt that it’s simply a matter of time until she brings someone who is right for her- or a better match- into her life. But I also get why she’s feeling sensitive after a relationship, and a break up, like this one.

We wrapped up our conversation - which felt like a few hours- more than the 35 minutes it was, and wished each other a beautiful rest of the day. We exchanged information on LinkedIn so that we could keep up with each others’ work.

After this exchange, I headed back to my office. I had a 2pm client and a few more sessions after that, before I wrapped up for my day. The whole drive to my office (all of 15 minutes) I kept thinking about the women who resonate with Debra’s experience.

I reflect on the many individuals I’ve met who have been drawn to someone who has some alluring qualities, but is also not good for them, as a partner in a relationship.

I reflect, as well, on my younger years, when I had dated someone, as well, who had compelling traits, but also had something about them that made my gut pause. The complexity in human relationships can be fascinating, often.

As I pull up to my office, I think about the clients on my caseload who are currently navigating dating and their desire to find the kind of love they seek. I quickly think about their attachment patterns, and how, as they engage in healing, internally, I see how they are shifting their relationships.

It’s not an easy one-two-three step, but often, when someone is drawn to partners, friends, colleagues or bosses who are unhealthy, there is something beneath the attraction.

In the story of Debra, I wondered about her attachments, her early relationships, and even her later relationships in life. Any of us can land in relationship dynamics that are less-than-ideal for us. And at the same time, when there is an allure to a personality or presentation, there is often an unconscious dance happening.

And the first step to making a shift, or to making a relationship dynamic better, is by making the unconscious —> conscious.

And when we do that, we can make a wise next choice. This is why some people stay engaged in relationships and dynamics for a long time, and some others don’t. Some have the support and insight and awareness of the unconscious dynamics, and some others take a longer time to get there. And some others need to first solidify supports and resources before they make changes; in their love life, family dynamics, at work or any relationship where their changes will impact their life.

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So, turning to you, dear reader….

Is there a relational pull you have to someone in your life? Or maybe even a push/pull dynamic, where you feel drawn to the person, but also pushed away? If yes, I invite you to look at what may be going on inside of you, and in that relational dynamic. Often, there is something we are acting out that feels familiar to us. And not always are the relationships that have the push/pull dynamic ones that are bad, per se. However, you may want to see if there’s a dance that’s less-than-ideal that you’re engaged in.

And if this does resonate with you in some way, I invite you to take a deep breath. Notice who you are and how YOU show up in and to relationships. Notice your own areas of growth, and areas where you’re working on yourself-be it in smaller interpersonal dynamics, or in a significant relationship in your life. And if you’re needing some one on one help to support you in healing your heart, letting go of some emotional burdens, or shifting a relationship dynamic that has been worrying you, reach out.

Relationships are what makes the world go round, so when we pay attention to them, and nourish good ones, we provide more loving spaces, for ourselves and others…and what can be better than that?

So for now, I am sending you much gentle wishes, as you digest your own thoughts, feelings and reflections…

And we would love to hear from you! What about this lands on a resonant place for you, feels familiar, or makes you pause and ponder?

Your input means a lot to me, and all of us here, so if you’re feeling bold, and want to share with us, we’d love to hear!

Until next time,

Xx

Esther & The Integrative Team