There are many disruptions and interruptions in our fast-paced society, and we are all guilty of losing it at times. Though it is human to react to things, being reactive and being overreactive are two very different things. When we overreact, we lose it- literally. Not just our temper, but our sense of proportion, and control of our emotions and behavior. We lose perspective, and our judgment is impaired. We feel out of control in the moment, and guilt and shame later on. And, our overreactions can cause untold damage to the little, and even big, people in our lives.
When we are reactive, we affect everyone around us. A famous study conducted in Oregon University found that reactive parents affected their children in both the short term and long term, way into adulthood. In fact, the more reactive the parent, the more anxious the child. Children, or even adults, who worry about the overreactions of family members become worriers. While some may only have feelings of anxiety, others may experience anxiety that manifests itself in behaviors, such as tics or nervous mannerisms.
Learning to curb our reactions is a critical life skill. Even better, working on under-reacting, as opposed to over-reacting- can be a real game changer. Think about it, just as we allow ourselves to overreact, we can choose to underreact. Instead of yelling at our eight-year-old child who is out of bed again, we can whisper our directions. Rather than delivering a mussar schmooze on high volume when our bar mitzvah bochur misses minyan once again, we can help him work out a proper wake-up plan. Choosing to underreact does a great deal to maintain the calm, for you and everyone around you.
In addition to making a conscious choice to underreact, there is much we can do to prevent an overreaction. We can make healthy life decisions, such as those suggested below, that forestall our becoming reactive. However, if none of this helps, or if you find yourself overreacting more than you or your family can tolerate, it may be a good idea to seek out professional help.
-Make your mental health a priority.
Healthy people have healthy relationships. Understand your wants and needs, and figure out how to address them. Learn your triggers and try to avoid them. Do not overload yourself with endless to-do lists. Lastly, do not make the mistake of thinking this is selfish: staying mentally healthy is the best gift you can give your family.
-Lower the temperature – at home, at work, in synagogue, at the market. For example, in California, where I come from, there are massive fires when the weather gets hot. People are not all that different: when things start heating up, we are more likely to explode. This isn’t to say that we can control outside environments, but we can choose to daven or shop in a venue that is calm and relaxed. We can also set-up the structure in our home to be user-friendly and doable, as opposed to tense and explosive.
-Know and believe that being reactive is not the way. Whether it is the result of being on autopilot, uncontrolled emotionality, or poor modeling – reactivity is a poor choice that wreaks havoc in its wake. Your awareness of the negative impact of your reactivity can help you curb your overreaction.
-Be proactive, not reactive. Have a plan to avoid feeling helpless or at a loss. Many family issues are actually routine occurrences, such as homework, bedtime, mornings etc. Deciding beforehand on a consistent routine that you follow conscientiously will help you feel in control and prepared.
-Monitor your temperature. When it is high, refrain from disciplining and perhaps even interacting with your children. Lots of times, we feel ourselves heating up and know that the next person crossing our path will get the brunt of it. So, remove yourself, do what it takes to calm down, but don’t react.
Making every effort to keep a finger on the pause button is critical to maintaining our calm. It allows us to be proactive and reflective rather than impulsive. Though this is definitely in the ‘easier said than done’ category, it is well worth the effort and will result in a healthy, relaxed family life.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist and family counselor- formerly of Los Angeles- currently in Lakewood, New Jersey. She maintains a private practice where she sees women of all ages and couples. Dr. Teichman can be reached at 323 940 1000 or drsteichman@gmail.com.