What is fear?
Is it a monster under your bed, or in the closet? Is it wide eyes, thumping heart, panicked breathing? Is it dangling off a cliff by your fingertips?
Fear is all those things, and more.
Fear, at its essence, is actually a good thing. Our bodies let us know when we are in a dangerous situation, so we can act accordingly. Do you have an aversion to standing near the subway platform edge? Do you tend to walk faster through a rough neighborhood? Healthy fear keeps us safe. The problem becomes when the body’s normal fear sensors become hijacked. Think phobias, or irrational fears, like the fear of heights, roller coasters, or arachibutyrophobia – the fear that peanut butter will stick to the roof of your mouth.
While these phobias usually operate openly – you know when you’re afraid of the dark – other fears can be more subtle. These fears are insidious, often undetected. Unchecked, they can cripple us, dictate our every action, and rule us. I’m referring to the fear of failure and the fear of rejection.
We encounter this fear on a daily basis. Asking for a raise, trying something new, or even sharing our feelings can bring up this fear.
My friend recently bought a motorcycle, something he had wanted to do for years. He wanted it so badly, he almost didn’t do it. This is his story:
I needed a good outlet, and I decided that I wanted a motorcycle. I dreamed about it often – me in my leather jacket, saddling a midnight blue Honda on a lone country road. I was nervous about the permit test, so I spent a very long time studying for it. Even when I was ready for the test, I kept studying, because the last thing I would want is to finally take the test and fail. The longer I waited, the more nervous I got. Finally, I dragged myself into the DMV and passed the test, no problem. Next step: take lessons and schedule a road test! This, too, was a source of anxiety. I needed to pass the road test; I was really concerned that I wouldn’t pass. I put off taking lessons so I wouldn’t have to think about it. I put it off so long that I had to renew my permit. Oh no, I thought. I can’t go through that whole process again, study again, take the test again. I agonized and agonized for months before I finally dragged myself to the DMV. To my surprise, I was told that I get one “freebie” and can renew my permit without taking the test again! Can you imagine? All that time I could have been riding my bike, living my dream. Look what fear robbed from me!
How many times do we not pursue our dreams because we are afraid to fail? How many of us are afraid to send out resumes and pursue job offers because we are sure we’ll be turned down? How often do we not share our true feelings for fear of being laughed at or rejected?
Another story: When I started graduate school, I came across many new and unfamiliar concepts. Some of my classmates would talk with what looked like confidence about statistics, advanced research models, and other things. I would often find myself wanting to ask a basic question, but not wanting to look stupid.
Hillel said, “Lo ha’bayshun lomaid” – the one who is ashamed does not learn. Much of this fear is shame based. If you raise your hand in class and admit you don’t know something, maybe everyone will think you’re stupid. Who knows, maybe you are stupid! Everyone else seems to know what’s going on. These thoughts are powerful deterrents, and we freeze instead of ask. But then we do not learn.
Finally, I decided that if I had a question, it was likely that at least one other classmate was bothered by the same thing. It wasn’t just me. And so I would ask my question. Most of those times, after I asked my question, some classmates nodded their heads and echoed, “Yeah, what are we talking about?”
One of my favorite motivational quotes is: “What would you do today if you knew you could not fail?” Ask yourself that question. Would you buy a house, write a book, go back to school? Would you share your feelings honestly with your spouse or your friend? Would you try to quit smoking, or change your eating habits? Would you write an article for the Jewish Press? Ask yourself what you would do without fear of failure, and you may begin to see how fear governs your life.
Of course, allowing fear to inform your actions is not fatal. If you have a specific phobia, you may, in fact, be fine if you stay away from tall buildings, theme parks, or nutty spreadable foods. In the case of the fear of failure, you may be perfectly willing to not send in that resume, never snuff out that cigarette, or remain emotionally distant. Then again, you may not want to give up on your dreams. And the good news is, you don’t have to let those dreams go. You can learn another way. You can learn not to be crippled by fear, but to walk through it. Your dreams are waiting on the other side.
The literary world is littered with stories of now-famous books that were initially rejected, even mocked, by publishers. Gone With the Wind author Margaret Mitchell survived 38 rejections before her book was accepted for publication. Agatha Christie endured 5 years of rejections before signing a publishing deal. William Golding was told that his Lord of the Flies was “rubbish and dull.” And J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, collected 12 rejections before her first book was accepted for publication.
The story of J.K. Rowling is particularly instructive. Freshly divorced, poor, with an infant child, she sat long days huddled in an Edinburgh cafe, nursing a single cup of coffee and writing out the pages of her novel. “What I feared most for myself,” she later disclosed, “was not poverty – but failure.”
How do we define failure and success? Harry Potter was an unbelievable success, sure, but is a novel only a success if it gets published? Is a resume only a success if it leads to a job? Perhaps. We can judge success by whatever measure we choose. But in the courtrooms of our minds, we often decree failure before we even act. And that is the greatest injustice.
What is success? Success is acting with courage in the face of adversity. Sometimes adversity is external, but more often the foe is in our own thoughts, our own fears and misgivings. I’ve heard it said that courage is not the absence of fear; it is the willingness to act in spite of fear.
And so, the next time fear rears its ugly head, do not run. Do not hide. Allow yourself to be afraid. And walk with courage.
It can be done.
Shimmy Feintuch is a licensed social worker practicing in New York City. As a therapist, Shimmy currently works with adolescents and adults who are struggling with anxiety, depression, behavior problems, and other issues. He blogs at shimmyfeintuch.com.