When Asking for a Woman’s Dress Size Becomes the Norm: How Dating in the Jewish World is Contributing to Body Image Issues and Disordered Eating
By: Elizabeth Carmen, MA, Ed.M, LMHC
The media, both Jewish and secular, has been giving this topic a lot of attention lately, which is terrific, but also highlights the fact that there is a major pandemic in the community. While writing this article, an article was published in Self magazine about Orthodox dating and its connection to eating disorders. This is not something we can ignore, nor will it go away unless we do something about it.
As a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, I see many young women whose eating disorders are exacerbated by the stresses of dating in the Orthodox community. It would be a gross oversimplification of the matter to say that dating creates eating disorders, but it is clear that the stress and pressure of dating can exacerbate underlying issues.
Though it may be difficult to determine their causes, eating disorders are acutely dangerous disorders and must be taken seriously. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, approximately 20 million women in the US suffer from eating disorders. These are not unique to the Jewish community, but there are widespread incidents of disordered eating amongst Orthodox girls and women. There is a significant need for more research in this area, but as with many other issues, the stigma around eating disorders in the Jewish community presents substantial challenge to performing the necessary studies. As a community, we need to be proactive, learn and preempt possible causes of eating disorders.
Preparing for “Shidduchim”
In the 21st century, Jewish dating in the Orthodox world is a marvel. When describing the process to non-Orthodox Jews, it seems archaic that people still use matchmakers. The idea that 18-year-olds would willingly subject themselves to blind dates and get married so young seems outrageous, and yet, in the Orthodox world, this is common practice.
There are pros and cons to this dating approach which I will not discuss here, but in many situations, the shidduch system is incredibly successful in finding people’s spouses.
When a girl is almost ready to date, the preparations begin. The extent of these preparations depends heavily on what community the girl identifies with. The parents may provide her with a new wardrobe: beautiful yet modest clothing so that she will look her best. Her mother takes her to buy the best makeup, whether she likes makeup or not. Tomboys are often instructed to wear makeup, at least until a husband is in hand, to their chagrin. The girls are taught to use curling irons, wands, straighteners, style their hair like dolls, and use every product Sephora has to offer.
Once a girl is “in the parsha”, a.k.a. dating, many girls aren’t allowed to go anywhere without a full face of makeup and wearing a beautiful outfit. Walking through the grocery store with a trained eye, it’s very clear who is available.
When they are all dressed and made up, girls typically visit shadchanim (matchmakers) to tell them what types of husbands they are looking for, describe themselves, etc. While matchmakers are often kindhearted, giving individuals, this is not always the case. This process can leave girls feeling incredibly drained and vulnerable. Many matchmakers have been known to criticize girls in various areas, prominent among them being her appearance. It is incredibly common for girls to be asked what size they wear or be given more “subtle” messages such as, “You have such beautiful features. If only you’d lose some weight, you’d be such a catch.” Going to matchmaker after matchmaker, having her values and person evaluated so bluntly, and answering deeply personal questions can make girls feel incredibly exposed and inadequate.
If this weren’t enough to make a girl crazy, the world needs to add the pressure of being thin to the mix.
The Expectation to be Thin
Aside from the new clothes and makeup, girls are introduced to another part of life when they begin to date: dieting.
Judaism is by no means a shallow religion. And yet, in many circles it has become acceptable for men to not only ask for a picture to evaluate before agreeing to go out on a date, but a woman’s dress size and other personal measurements as well.
It’s understandable that men (and women) want to be attracted to the person they are dating. This is not a problem. The way that it’s expressed, however, must change. Shadchanim, mothers, and men often list the qualities they are looking for in a wife: “blonde, thin, intelligent, kind.” In that order.
This doesn’t only impact girls of marriageable age, it is influencing young girls and can be one of the causes for eating disorders at a very young age. A teacher I know played a game with her 8th grade students from Aish’s website called “The Game of Life”. In this game, there are cards that say things like “sense of hearing”, “family”, “friends”, etc., and in the game, the players put down cards based on their priorities in life, only holding onto the ones they hold dearest. The teacher told me that her student, to her shock, held onto “an attractive figure” above all else in her life.
But is this surprising when we are modeling this to girls?
Creating New Expectations
Dating and marriage are hard enough without creating impossibly high expectations for women. As a community, we need to start creating a more supportive space for women to thrive in dating, which will help them grow into more creative, happier women, wives, mothers, and individuals. They need to be supported and encouraged, not told that they are not thin enough, smart enough, too smart, too opinionated, etc.
I’m going to risk sounding like a cliché; the Jewish community needs to start embracing the idea of self-acceptance. The alternative is incredibly dangerous, as is evident by the skyrocketing levels of eating disorders and anxiety that are so prevalent within our community.
In her new book, Option B, Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg, writes the following:
Self-compassion isn’t talked about as much as it should be, maybe because it’s often confused with its troublesome cousins, self-pity and self-indulgence. Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as offering the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to a friend. It allows us to respond to our own errors with concern and understanding rather than criticism… Self-compassion comes from recognizing that our imperfections are part of being human. Those who can tap into it recover from hardship faster… Self-compassion is associated with greater happiness and satisfaction, fewer emotional difficulties, and less anxiety… As psychologist Mary Leary observes, self-compassion ‘can be an antidote to the cruelty we sometimes on ourselves.”
We need to stop applauding women for thinness. Idealizing thinness emanates from our community as a whole and it is not going to stop until we change the things that we praise. We need to start encouraging women to be happy with themselves, lead healthier lives, and raise our sons to have healthier, more realistic expectations of women. Only then may we make changes on both a personal level and communal level to remedy the issue and prevent more girls from suffering from these issues