You don’t have to be Orthodox or even Jewish to know about the commercialization of Chanukah in our time. What with too many parties, too much fried food, endless doughnuts and an abundance of gifts, the holiday starts to lose its meaning. The surplus of stuff (some families give a gift every night!) makes some children grabby and whiney, and liable to lose appreciation for each individual gift – and its giver. For the parents of those children who want it all, it’s hard to maintain any semblance of perspective or sanity.

How we got here is puzzling. Somehow the minhag of Chanukah gelt became transformed into gifts which reflect the December Holiday Season. The celebration of the victory of spirituality of the Maccabees over the materialism of the Greeks is oddly commemorated by a week of (over?) indulgence. But that is another topic altogether.

For parents looking to provide balance – both fun and meaning – in their children’s lives,  the excesses of this holiday season can be quite a challenge. Though some parents could go along with the merrymaking for a week, they are hindered by their concern for their children. They worry that their children will get spoiled, and they wonder how they can maintain their values in the face of such craziness. And, perhaps worst of all, they are terrified that they will spoil their children’s enjoyment of this very special time with their own fears and worries.

What to do?

Well,  as parents, there is quite a bit you can do in the long run, i.e., in your quest to instill sanity and values in your families. In the short run, however, you may just need to relax your standards and go with the flow.

Let’s dispense with the short run, the hard part, first. Realistically speaking, you probably will not be able to control the number of parties, gifts, or treats – at least, not without earning your child’s undying resentment. You may, however, be able to slow things down a bit. For instance, you can encourage your child to put some treats or gifts away for some other time when he might appreciate them more. Or maybe by being proactive and discussing each event beforehand, you can gain your child’s cooperation in preparing some sensible plan. Such a plan might include the idea of eating a healthy meal before going off to a party, or deciding to open only one gift each day of Chanukah. The important thing here, however, is your realization that you are in an unpredictable, uncontrolled situation. Hopefully, this allows you to accept the inevitable with grace (after all, one week of partying a year never killed anyone), and remind yourself that one week does not a whole childhood make.

Now for the long run. After the gifts are shelved and the treats are devoured, a wise parent knows that it’s his influence – his words, behavior, and value system – that ultimately carry the most weight in the child’s mind and development. Though a child may exclaim wildly about some fabulous gift and rave about a party and the fun, the consistent messages of his parents is what is emblazoned in his memory in the years to come.

 Keeping this in mind, you can de-emphasize the price, the glitter, comparisons and sizes, and inject some spiritual meaning into this holiday. Make a big deal out of lighting the menorah, singing Ma’oz Tzur together, and playing dreidel. Model chessed, the joy of giving, particularly to those in need. This might include gifts, or even invitations to your home for one of the oft-forgotten. In the same vein, encourage your children to demonstrate hakaras ha’tov by both showing appreciation for a gift received and remembering their benefactors. Would they call their old Aunt Tillie, who doesn’t text or email, thanking her for her largesse, or write her a short note? These are only some of the many ways that you can give your children a gift that lasts – positive memories of the holiday with the family and a true understanding of Chanukah.

A wise parent gets the balance and perceives that, though it is always difficult to compete with the excitement and the partying in the moment, we should never underestimate the power of consistent messages that are modeled over and over until they are seared in our children’s brains. And though these excesses are challenging, adopting the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude might help you get through the week, and perhaps even enjoy the festivities with your family and friends.

 In moderation, of course.

Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and clinical director at ETTA, an organization for young adults with special needs. She specializes in parenting concerns and writes a bi-weekly column for parents in Binah magazine. Dr Teichman can be reached at sara.teichman@etta.org.