A number of wedding brachos refer to the simchah of Adam and Chava in Gan Eden. At first, Hashem allowed Adam to experience the pain of utter solitude. As he named the other living beings and understood their essence, Adam instinctively grasped that they could not provide the depth of companionship that he craved. When Hashem created Chava, Adam recognized true kinship on a very deep level; he now found someone who could support and understand him, someone who was different yet similar in her capacity to reflect, to give, to nurture and to err, to repair and to be his life partner. Even in choosing to imbibe the forbidden fruit, their connection was so vital for their continuing harmony that Chava felt compelled to share the fruit with Adam so they could continue life on the same wavelength, for otherwise their intimacy and unity would be severely compromised.
When we reach out with attunement and responsiveness to those close to us, we offer a safe haven and a secure base that instills hope and confidence to face the world and its accompanying challenges. Some fascinating brain research was done in which married women with secure attachments to their husbands endured some shock treatments. When strangers held their hands, the women rated the shocks as very painful, and the strangers only mildly decreased the discomfort as seen by all the neurons that activated in the pain sensors of their brains. When their husbands held their hands, the women rated the very same shocks as only mildly uncomfortable and their neurons mirrored their emotional experience! One more piece of this experiment depicts this idea even more poignantly: these same women were receiving emotionally focused couple’s therapy for distress in their marital relationship. During the first round of experiments, when they initially received the shocks and their husbands held their hands, it did not help them any more than when the stranger held their hand. Only after strengthening their connection and feeling secure did their husbands’ presence and support successfully diminish the pain.
Many studies have shown the need that babies have for secure attachment to a primary caregiver. Cruel experiments that would be illegal today were conducted that demonstrated that attention to physical care without loving touch and responsiveness caused the brain to stop developing and triggered a total failure to thrive, often resulting in severe psychological difficulties and even death. Yet for some reason in Western society, many believe that, as adults, we can be totally independent and that we outgrow the need for attachment. Modern research shows that we maintain the need for healthy interdependence throughout our lives irrespective of age or gender. Being cherished and loved is one of the most potent antidepressants promoting physical health, strong immune systems, emotional health and overall happiness. Hashem in His wisdom created us with this need and wanted Adam to recognize the contrast of loneliness and companionship to enhance his appreciation.
The gap between understanding and embracing this need and nurturing it can be formidable. The Nefesh Hachayim explains that, before eating the fruit, the yetzer horah was an external force allowing Adam and Chava to see the truth with glaring clarity. Once they imbibed the fruit, they internalized the yetzer horah and cloudiness and murkiness crept into their perceptions. Shame only entered the picture when their innocence was compromised and the ego interfered with their purity. Instead of just wanting to give, they now looked at one another from a taker’s point of view. Unhealthy narcissism and the desire to satisfy gratification through using the other seeded their shame.
Rabbi Shafran offers a fascinating analogy to illustrate this concept. The natural reaction of the body during a transplant is “to show it the door.” It feels threatened and wants to protect itself from the invasion. Similarly, the natural response of a human to the intimacy of another with his/her own identity and needs may be also one of self-protection. Doctors help insure successful transplants by injecting immunosuppressant drugs, which lower the threshold of immunity. If we weaken our negative ego manifestations, we, too, can be more welcoming to the other. Hashem designed us to cling to one another and to become as one–a goal that sounds lofty but is, in fact, achievable. And, of course, the first step towards attaining any goal is awareness.
When we realize that one spouse is rarely to blame for the relationship becoming stuck in unhealthy patterns and creating distance, we have taken an important step towards repair. Our emotional reactions in turn trigger our spouse’s reactions and response, and the cycle continues. Our responses are natural, based on our experience and our best ability to handle discomfort or pain. Yet focusing on identifying the unhealthy patterns and modifying them to change the music to a more harmonizing melody creates closeness and connection, which is our sacred and most fulfilling task. Then, in the safety of our close connection, we can grow to be our best selves and offer our children the security they need so that we can thrive.
Esther Gendelman MS, LPC, CPC is a licensed psychotherapist and certified professional coach who specializes in relationships. She is a veteran educator, motivational speaker and shadchan. Esther also co-authored The Missing Peace published by Menucha Publishers. She can be contacted at 248-915-9122 or via email at awindowwithin@gmail.com. She welcomes your visits to her website: awindowwithin.net.