Mind Body and Soul

As many parents can attest, oppositional and defiant behavior can be quite difficult to manage. I have encountered parents who are eager to develop behavior plans from our very first meeting, as well as parents who report that behavioral interventions do not seem to work for their child. While research shows that behavioral interventions can be very helpful in reducing a child’s negative behavior, it is also important that the parent-child relationship be solid in order for the intervention to be most effective. If this relationship is strained, it is likely that the child will feel resentment during this process, making it counterproductive.

I remember once visiting a school that was struggling with a large number of students breaking the rules. The headmaster was in charge of establishing and enforcing the school policies. I noticed, however, that this headmaster had no relationship whatsoever with his students. He did not teach any classes. The only exposure the students had to him was when he was enforcing rules or berating students for breaking them. In contrast, many other schools with similar policies do not struggle as much with non-compliant students. I believe that the difference lies in the relationship the students have with the authority figure who is setting the rules. If the relationship is strong – although rules are annoying – they are more likely to be followed. However, the combination of rules with a strained relationship breeds resentment, resulting in a decreased likelihood that the rules will be followed.

I recently stressed to the mother of one of my clients the importance of improving her relationship with her son as a prerequisite to the behavioral intervention. We then began to discuss some concrete steps she could take in an effort to improve the mother-child relationship. One idea was for her to spend some time engaging her son in a particular activity that was of interest to him. At a later date, she explained that she tried to bond with her son, but he seemed to push her away. Mom concluded that her efforts in building a relationship with him are wasted, as it is obvious to her that he is not interested in one.

While it may seem like some children do not desire relationships with their parents, research indicates that the opposite is true. Children crave their parents’ attention even when it appears otherwise. I believe that in addition to scientific research, we can find support for the natural parent-child bond in the Torah.

One of Avraham’s ten tests is found in the beginning of Parshas Lech Lecha. Hashem appears to Avraham and tells him that he is going to have to leave his father’s house and travel to the land of Israel. If you think about it, what kind of major test is this for Avraham Avinu? Hashem is promising him the world if he goes to Israel: “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you.” All Avraham has to do is say goodbye to his parents and be on his way to a life full of blessing and fortune. Is it really difficult for the holy Avraham Avinu to do that when the Almighty Himself is commanding him? Why?

Similarly, there is a midrash in Parshas Bereishis that describes the challenge Hashem faced when creating Man. The angels asked God why He would create Man who is full of flaws. As we see, on his first day on earth, Adam sinned by eating from the eitz hada’as, the tree of knowledge. Hashem was able to convince the angels that Man is indeed worthy of being created. He explained that, after Adam, there will be a man by the name of Avraham who will be compliant with His command to leave his birthplace and go to the land of Israel. That sacrifice would be a “tikkun” for Man. Again, what is this major sacrifice that Avraham is making? Is this act so compelling that the angels were convinced of the greatness of man to be worthy of creation?

Apparently, the natural bond that a person has with his family environment is so strong that it would be considered a major test for someone, even as great as Avraham Avinu, to distance himself from his family, despite the fact that Hashem Himself was requesting it, and that Avraham was promised that he will be made into a great nation. This sacrifice was so great that the angels agreed that for this, Man is worthy of being created.

This is a powerful insight in psychology. We see from this incident with Avraham that children are naturally drawn to their caregivers. A child who indeed decides to leave his/her parents’ home must therefore be suffering from a tremendous amount of pain. Cutting oneself off from one’s family is completely unnatural, and would not be done unless it is a way of coping with deeply felt negative emotions. So if there is a child who seems like s/he is not interested in a parent-child relationship, it cannot be the reality, since a child is naturally drawn to his/her parent. Other factors must be causing the child to resist efforts to strengthen this bond.

The responsibility of a parent is an awesome one. Children today are exposed to many potentially harmful experiences. I believe that, as parents, our focus should be on cultivating and strengthening the natural bond that we share with our precious children. If that bond is strong, then it can hopefully act as a powerful protector in our children’s lives, and set them up for success and resilience.

Shaya Hecht, LMSW is an associate in private practice at JF Counseling, providing psychotherapy to children, adolescents, and adults in Brooklyn and Queens, NY. He can be reached at shayahecht@gmail.com.