Shimmy Feintuch, LMSW
Being Jewish would make even a Buddhist monk anxious. There are so many laws and rituals that are part of our daily lives. Did you eat enough matzah? Is it time for davening yet? Or worse, is it too late? Did you say the words just right, or was it slightly off? Better say it again, then.
Young children learn particular laws, such as those regarding hand washing, early, to form routines that will last a lifetime. But often the specific focus on nuances of law creates a sense that the external practice is all that matters. This creates a focus on tasks, on getting things done, checking the next religious item off our to-do list. And that, I’m afraid, is a recipe for anxiety.
At its most basic level, anxiety is normal, a natural response to uncertainty. It is often a good thing, a motivator that helps us prepare for performances, study for exams, or make sure that we’re on time to work. (Anxiety, just for the record, is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Thanks, dictionary.)
Anxiety becomes unhealthy when it begins to interfere with our ability to function in our daily lives. Think of chronic procrastination, chronic lateness, and frequently feeling stressed out. People with high levels of anxiety can be unable to concentrate, avoid certain people or situations, be constantly irritable, and may even have panic attacks.
A major symptom of anxiety is worrying excessively. Now, ask a good Jewish mother how much worry is too much. There’s so much to worry about! The children, the parents, the family, the situation in Israel, the food (is there ever enough?), Yom Tov plans, money, health, Ebola, mumps, the government, the in-laws... the list is endless. And the constant worries of anxiety are endless, too.
Ruminating, or obsessively thinking about past experiences or decisions, is also a symptom of anxiety.
Is it possible to have unhealthy anxiety and still function? Of course. Many of my clients with moderate or even severe anxiety are employed, have families, a home, and are functional in that sense. But in order to live with unhealthy anxiety, they have developed “coping mechanisms,” ways to soothe themselves when their anxiety spikes.
Coping mechanisms can be healthy or unhealthy. Some healthy ways to cope include: speaking with a friend, self-calming behaviors like deep breathing or meditation, healthy eating, regular exercise, or even taking a soothing shower or bath. Sounds nice, right? There are many more where those came from.
Those with significant levels of anxiety can find themselves trying to soothe with a whole host of unhealthy behaviors. Eating is a big one (no pun intended). Spending a lot of time on the computer or smartphone can be an attempt to soothe anxiety. We can try to avoid the things that are making us nervous by procrastinating, sleeping a lot, or not calling people back when we need to. And of course, there are a bunch of unhealthy soothing behaviors that may or may not reach addictive levels: gambling, drinking or drugging, gaming... the list goes on.
What makes these coping mechanisms unhealthy – besides for the dangerous nature of some of them? Well, the problem is that these behaviors don't actually work. They may seem like they reduce anxiety, but they really don’t.
For example, you find yourself going back to the fridge for a second or third snack (this is after dinner, mind you). Chances are you aren’t hungry for that slice of cheese cake; you’re trying to soothe an uncomfortable feeling. And, for a moment, all is bliss, sugar, and cream. But who actually feels good about themselves after having a third slice of cheesecake? What you are actually experiencing here is a momentary numbing of feeling, followed by the inevitable return of the same uncomfortable feeling (plus some shame or guilt, and a stomachache).
It can be difficult to see how these behaviors are linked to anxiety. In our minds, we come up with reasons why we do the things we do; we can be completely unaware of the roots of our behavior. We think we eat because we’re hungry, or because the food was so good, or because we lack willpower. We think we spend time on the computer because we like to shop, or we need to see the news, or we like to watch funny cat videos. The brain’s ability to rationalize is quite remarkable.
That’s where therapy comes in. A therapist can help you understand the underlying mechanisms for your behaviors. You can learn what your anxiety is all about, and work to reduce your levels of anxiety. In addition, you can learn healthy coping mechanisms which will help calm your nerves – not make your anxiety worse.
If you identify with any of the anxiety symptoms or unhealthy coping behaviors described, I am not here to tell you that you need therapy. That is completely up to you. In fact, if you don’t want to be in therapy, it may be a waste of your time and money. But if you have identified some symptoms that bother you, and you are motivated to work on them, don’t wait. Call a therapist today.
Shimmy Feintuch, LMSW is a licensed social worker practicing in New York City. As a therapist, Shimmy currently works with clients struggling with anxiety, depression, behavior problems, and other issues. His weekly blog, Spiritual Sofa, is at nefeshinternational.org/blogs. Other writings can be found on shimmyfeintuch.com.