It is not uncommon for all books of faith to honor and respect marriage. In Judaism, two sources of the Living Bible were given to Moses on Mount Sinai some 3,328 years ago. Both of equal importance, they are known as the Written Law (also referred to as the Torah, the Five Books of Moses, or the Old Testament), and the Oral Law (also known as the Mishna).
This article will share some examples of how the wisdom in the Living Bible can be used to guide couples toward maximum living and flourishing as a meaningful unit. Additionally, we will explore how the ancient Hebrew language is linked to exercises that bring couples closer.
In the Hebrew language, almost all words have root words that they are built on. For example, the Hebrew word for “love” is “ahavah,” and the root word of “ahavah” is “hav,” which means to”give.” All Hebrew letters have a numerical value; when two different words have the same value, it is not a coincidence. What, then, is the significance in the connection and meaning that those two words provide to each other?
The Hebrew word for “love” (ahavah) and “one” (echad) both have a numerical value of 13. This is significant because the penultimate oneness is God, and God is the ultimate Giver. As humans, it is important for us to remain mindful that humans are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26), and as much as humanly possible, we need to emulate God, by being givers. To give and have love (ahavah) is to be a giver (hav).
Additionally, the Hebrew word for “understand” is “l’havin,” and by no coincidence, its root word is one with which we are now familiar with – “hav,” to give. When we are truly trying to understand our partners and not trying to prove or defend our position, we are giving to our partner.
We can apply this principle to three exercises created by John and Julie Gottman. First, the idea of feeling understood, respected and honored in your marriage comes straight from the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, written by John Gottman. Building this skill changes the trajectory of the conflict from destruction to construction, ending with a compromise that leaves both partners feeling understood, l’havin, and emotionally closer.
The second exercise focuses on understanding your partner’s underlying dream and their feelings surrounding that dream. When a partner’s life dream is understood (l’havin) by their partner or spouse, it can then be honored and given (hav) honor and respect. When we understand (l’havin) our partner’s dreams and wishes, we are giving (hav) them the experience of having their dreams heard and validated by a partner who is now able to assist in their fulfillment.
Finally, there is a clear correlation between understanding and giving in an exercise that promotes positive recovery from a conflict. When processing what the Gottman Institute refers to as a “regrettable incident,” the goal is to gain greater understanding, havana, about the process of the fight and how the issue was spoken about without getting back into the fight. In this exercise, both partners seek to give (hav) each other the comfort that each position is valid and each perception is real. They avoid getting back into the fight by each expressing their own feelings, and by understanding their partner’s feelings. Each partner states his/her own subjective reality so that the other one can understand (l’havin), summarize and validate at least some of that position.
By sharing experiences or triggers that escalated the interaction, taking responsibility and building a constructive plan for the fight not to repeat itself, and changing the way they both move through time together, the couple will “air out” the fight and remove any resentment that has been carried around relating to the “regrettable incident.”
When we make deposits in the emotional bank account, we are making our partner feel loved and secure, we are accepting influence, and we are showing our partner that they come first. May we all become better at understanding and giving, in the hopes of fulfilling our partners’ dreams and creating the best possible relationships for those closest and most dear to us.
David Mark, MS, LMSW is a bilingual school psychologist, a licensed social worker, and an avid participant and lecturer in the field of Positive Psychology. He has received numerous educational awards in the past three years. In his private practice, David has been working with couples, as well as adolescents and their parents, for the past 17 years. David is a certified Gottman Therapist and trainer, and is a Phd. candidate for Jewish Educational Leadership (2018).Visit his website, www.davidjmark.com.