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Do you ever worry that your kids have it ‘too good?’ They are carpooled to wherever, have their own rooms [well, maybe with one sib], and their own personal lawyer [you!] to help them deal with any issues at school. They have unlimited credit [your credit cards!] and by virtue of their very birth, are entitled to sleep-away camp and a gap year in Israel. How different this is from our childhood where we walked everywhere, shared a room with our sisters, and had to deal with the teachers ourselves. Not to mention, help pay for camp, a year in Israel, and those super-trendy extras.
It’s not that we want our children to have it hard, but it is a worry that they will have few coping mechanisms. How can they possibly survive adulthood?
The quality we wish our children had is called resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back in the face of adversity. It means that despite the fact that the child, or adult, experiences difficulty and distress, he is able to deal with it, overcome, and even be transformed by his challenge. Resilience also implies the power to recover, the ability to return to the prior pattern of competence from the pre-stress period. A person with resilience may bend - yet will subsequently recoup.
Resilience is a quality that we all must attain in order to live successfully as adults. No matter how charmed a life is now, inevitably we will meet up with challenges. We all do. So, whether the challenge is personal [illness or disability], environmental [natural disasters], or relationship-based [parent/child or husband/wife] – the ability to cope and spring back is critical to effective living.
Whether resilience is inborn or taught [that old ‘nature vs. nurture’ controversy] is debatable; in fact extensive research on this topic is being conducted even as we speak. However, regardless of its origin, resilience is something that can – and should – be taught. We are looking at teachable skills which are in reach for most of us, if presented the right way.
So, here’s the catch. Teaching resilience is tricky: it’s definitely not an academic subject. For the child to learn, he must be allowed to experience a challenge. And, for most children, to be successful means presenting a challenge that is neither too overwhelming [that could crush the child] or too easy [that could forestall any stretching and growth]. The effective parent also must stay on top of the situation and monitor their child’s progress.
So the first step for a parent is to evaluate. Is the challenge that the child is facing appropriate for this time and place? If so, don’t smooth the way. Rather, let your child learn to deal with it, all the while providing him with the support he needs. [Of course, there are many challenges that are unknown to us parents, or are not amenable to our intercession. However, hopefully, the support and teaching you have provided your child should kick in here as well.]
Ruti is an ok student. she tries hard and does a bit above average work. Lately she has had to sit through a few detentions for failing to turn in her homework. Truthfully, homework is hard for her; she’s too tired at night and finds it hard to begin and get organized. Though Mom is sorely tempted to just skip all chazara and provide the answers on the worksheets, she decides to experiment and try another way.
She sets up a quiet corner for Ruti, with all the needed supplies at the ready. She, together with Ruti, choose a single half hour slot that would be dedicated to homework. After expressing confidence in Ruti’s ability to work on her own, Mom makes sure to hang around during that half hour – just in case she needs to rescue Ruti before she lapses into tears and despair. Both Mom and Ruti feel gratified as Ruti slowly gets the hang of things.
Providing adequate support, as Ruti’s Mom knows, can facilitate the growth of resilience and lead to success. We all know this. It’s how we teach our children to ride a bike without training wheels. We make it possible by holding on to the seat. However, if the child is not ready or overwhelmed by a task, we step in. An overwhelmed child is a defeated child –and that is a far cry from resilience.
Besides providing support, we teach, always, by modeling. We model calm and control [well, most of the time] and an ability to deal with what life throws our way. We show how we, ourselves, get support from each other, friends, or community so that we can cope. We present a realistic portrait of coping, not the ubiquitous ‘it’s all good,’ but by actually struggling with the challenge and dealing with it effectively.
The Schiller family has recently lost quite a bit of money and are selling their home and moving to a smaller rental. This is quite a blow because this also means changing shuls and neighborhood and spells the end to one-in-a-room. The parents are honest and talk freely about their disappointment and discomfort. However, the children are convinced that their lives are ruined and refuse to make their peace with the situation.
After the initial grieving period, the parents get a grip. They work on putting things in perspective: it’s a loss, not a death. Nobody likes dealing with such a big change, but we can cope with it. Tell us how we can help you so that you can manage as well. Though we didn’t expect this, life is full of surprises and we will work hard to make it work.
Despite their reluctance, and because there is no choice, the children make some moves towards adjustment. Their parents make sure to encourage them, express their confidence, and be available to them when necessary. Though everyone admits that this move was not their first choice, they also begin to feel some pride about their increasing ability to cope and move on.
A large part of learning involves practice, and there will be ample opportunities for our children to practice resilience. Of course, that’s if we let them and don’t try ‘fixing’ things for them ourselves. Instead, we want to encourage them to rely on their abilities and instincts, all the while letting them know that we are always there for them to help things along and applaud their successes.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist and family counselor- formerly of Los Angeles- currently in Lakewood, New Jersey. She maintains a private practice where she sees adults, children, and adolescents. Dr. Teichman can be reached at 323 940 1000 or drsteichman@gmail.com.