By Sara Teichman, Psy.D.

Many parents see changing some part of their children’s behavior as a critical goal. They feel that it is their duty to fix their children, to eradicate any negative patterns of behavior. Some try to teach, lecture, give examples, and tell stories all in an effort to get their children to change. However their children already know the rules. They know that they should wait their turn, follow directions, etc. They don’t need any more coaching or explaining. It’s not that they don’t know right from wrong, it’s just harder to apply that knowledge to their actions.

As much as we try, we cannot simply change our children, we can however change ourselves. Our change can influence those around us to change as well. This is particularly true of children whose character is not yet set in stone. To get our children to do things differently, we must switch up our routine. Our children will then naturally follow our lead.

When we see something we don’t like, we need to ignore our first instinct to go in and demand change. Instead, we want to work on ourselves: modifying our attitude, our communication, and our behavior. When we have managed to change, we will see that same change within our children.

This is not the usual prescription for troublesome children’s behaviors like tantrums, chutzpah, aggression, or kvetching. It is not a finely-honed lecture or the very popular “1-2-3” method. That’s because this method is not directed at the child at all. It is about us, the parents, doing the work to change.

Think about some aspect of your child’s behavior that needs to be different. Then think about how your actions contribute to the development and perpetuation of this unwanted behavior. Finally, choose some other action to get a different reaction: the change you want to see.

Here is what I mean:

-Your child interrupts you constantly. You stop and listen to them because you cannot stand the nagging and repetition of “Ma, Ma…” Unfortunately, your behavior teaches your child that interrupting is an effective way to get your attention. But, let’s say you change the rules. You simply ignore the interruptions, every single time. Once your child learns that interruptions are pointless, they will stop interrupting. Your choice to ignore them has led to a positive change in their behavior. They will learn that they have to wait patiently for their turn.

-Your little ones never clean up their toys. As aggravating as that is to you, you give up and do it yourself when they go to bed. However, you can do it differently. Decide that each toy you clean up is put away for good. The kids might not mind at first, but at some point, it will get to them. Your act of hiding their stuff will make them think about cleaning up for themselves, rather than forfeiting their prized possessions.

-Your children have selective hearing and only hear when you yell REALLY LOUD! You are frustrated that you need to yell and repeat yourself to get their attention. Is it possible that the first three soft-spoken requests don’t even register? Have they learned that you only mean business when you shout? Practice saying each directive once, in a clear, firm voice. Make eye contact and be sure your children hear you. Start with the good stuff, like “Dessert anyone?” or, “Who wants to come to the toy store?” After a few [or many] missed opportunities, they will get the picture. They will learn that you say something only once, in a normal speaking voice. They will learn to listen up rather than miss out.

Change is never comfortable. We get into a rut and find it hard to climb out. It’s an endeavor that takes persistence, consistency, and insight but is well worth the effort, especially when we see the positive impact it has on our children.

Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist and family counselor, formerly of Los Angeles, currently in Lakewood, New Jersey. She maintains a private practice where she sees adults, children, and adolescents. Dr. Teichman can be reached at 1(323)-940-1000 or drsteichman@gmail.com.