In these troubling times, we hear quite often about how much strain the current environment places on our mental health.  We can see this when we self-introspect, when we observe others, and in the myriad data points in larger society, such as the current demand for mental health services, increase in suicidal episodes, increase in violent crime, and maybe even political intolerance.

Still, as mental health providers, we’ve also observed something quite counter-intuitive.  Some of our most dysregulated, emotionally volatile, chaotic, and anxious clients have seemed better regulated, more emotionally stable, less chaotic, and less anxious at the moment.  What is going on here?  Wouldn’t we expect these individuals to be doing worse, not better?

When we’ve asked clients about this, we’ve heard some interesting things. We’ve heard, for example, that being dysregulated feels isolating, and as if they are “crazy,” and that when the world around them starts to mirror their baseline state of chaos, it feels less lonely and more affirming.  Almost as if the rest of the world is finally experiencing what they do on a frequent basis.  For these individuals, their “calm within the storm” is feeling strangely affirmed and calmed when the environment around them becomes more chaotic. They may even find that they are suddenly a resource for others, to help them manage these feelings, because they are veterans of living with them and learning ways to cope.

We know from observation that individuals with ADHD often gravitate toward intense environments, such as high-powered jobs, first responder crises, etc.  We often see this as an attraction to the stimulation that these environments afford; however, we may also understand the attraction as a pull to chaos that helps the dysregulated individual regulate and calm himself.

Of what practical use is this insight, one may ask?  If we speculate that dysregulated individuals are calmed by more, not less, chaos in their environment, then it may help us understand why these individuals sometimes seem to seek out or even create chaos.  Behavior that, to others, may seem to be only making matters worse, may actually be making things better for this individual.  What may look like a move toward more chaos and dysregulation may actually be, for this individual, in the service of more calm and emotional regulation.

I recall an adult with ADHD telling me the following story (emotional dysregulation and ADHD have a well-documented connection):  Her son with ADHD entered the room where family members were interacting pleasantly and calmly, and proceeded to create prodigious conflict and chaos. When her husband said something to him to the effect of “we were all fine, why did you do that,” she said to her husband “I did the same thing as a child. I didn’t feel calm until everyone around me was in chaos.”

Of course, emotional regulation and order, not chaos, are good things to be promoted for all individuals.  The point here is not to endorse chaos or to stop trying to help individuals regulate effectively. Rather, the idea is to re-consider how we interpret the chaos making behavior. We are inclined to be hostile, or at least exacerbated by this behavior.  If we understand the chaos-making behavior as an attempt by the individual to find his or her “calm within the storm,” then we may be more empathetic toward and less angry at the behavior.  We may be less triggered by the behavior because we appreciate its intent, and are therefore better able to intervene in an effective, anger-free manner.  In the above-mentioned story, after the wife made her statement, the husband responded something to the effect of “OK.  Now I get it,” and he was much less upset by his son’s behavior.

In these trying times, may we all find our calm within the storm, and may we come to appreciate how different that looks for all of our G-d given uniqueness.

Evan Steele, LCSW, is the Director of the Boro Park Counseling Center and Crown Heights Counseling Center of The Jewish Board.  He is an Adjunct Professor in The New Seminary MSW program at Long Island University, and a published author.  He can be reached at profsteele2@gmail.com.