Does feeling angry at someone always have to end in angry words, sore feelings and helpless frustration?
Maybe not.
In Pirkei Avos 5:11 we learn, “A person who seldom gets angry and is quick to be mollified is a tzaddik.” Tosfos Yom Tov and Rabbeinu Yona both point out that the Mishna is telling us that it is not humanly expectable to never get angry. Rabbeinu Yona notes that there are times when Kavod Shamayim requires it. Another point: what if another person has encroached on our boundaries in a truly outrageous way? He writes: “It is not warranted to assume that we should never get angry, and about this our chachmei mussar said, ‘Don’t be too sweet or you’ll get swallowed up!” There are times in life that we have to hold our ground. When our anger shows, we communicate to the other that they have gone too far. Rabbeinu Yona teaches that what the Mishna really means is that a person who can understand and forgive, even while he is still angry, is a tzaddik. At first sight, this seems like a contradiction. How can I be in a frame of mind to forgive when I feel justifiably angry at someone?
Part of real life is that living with the people we love best includes having to live with their shortcomings – and they with ours. It can happen, for example, that a husband and wife are currently experiencing one of those marital periods where they are feeling mutually upset with each other. Of course, this happens at least once in a while, even in the best of marriages. And let’s not forget that life is full of other stressors too. Well, what happens then? Strong words, certainly. Maybe an explosion.
What next?
As renowned family therapist Virginia Satir said, this is a human situation where “there is not enough to go around.” Not enough love or good will. Not enough emotional stability, at least for the moment. And no clarity at all. The correct thing to do here is wait. Wait for tempers to cool. Wait for minds to clear. Well-developed people will be those who are quick to be mollified, yet will still need time to allow their minds and emotions to settle. When our mind is clear and we are settled, one of the realizations that we will have to face is that there may be no easy resolution. When we think about that, it may still leave us angry, but maybe this time there will be a way to take a step forward.
Once the minds of the adults are clear enough to try to understand what happened, it is time to talk. We are ready to talk to each other when we are ready to listen to what the other person has to say about himself, and also, what the other person has to say about us. We need to be ready to take responsibility for our part in what happened, if necessary. Very possibly, our shortcomings or our vulnerabilities were in play here, along with everyone else’s. We may later feel guilty about this, but it is all part of what it means to be human.
It is important to be kind to ourselves throughout. “Kind” means just that – not self-indulgent or self-serving. It means recognizing that we are human beings. Not only do we have shortcomings, but as our Sages teach us, everyone gets angry. Tosfos Yom Tov points out that there was no one greater in humility than Moshe Rabbeinu and he, too, got angry once in a while.
However, now everyone is ready to talk. And so, with an attitude of humility, acceptance of our shortcomings and acceptance of the other’s shortcomings, too, we can listen and we can talk. After everyone has had a chance to reflect, maybe we will be in a position to do better the next time. Maybe we will be able to move our relationships forward to a place of deeper understanding and appreciation for each other and ourselves.
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash