When it comes to childrearing, there are so many decisions to be made. One major area is schooling and all the decisions that go into making sure our children have the healthiest experience they can have in the place they spend the majority of their day. One of the reasons this can become anxiety- provoking is the fact that each child is different, and can require so many different things, depending on so many factors. More than one child can mean more than one plan for what path to take, what to focus on and what issues may need to be addressed. Adding to this is the fact that depending on who you ask about these issues, you may get very different answers to your questions.
Even within these pages, we have two articles addressing parenting issues, but saying very different things and suggesting different approaches. To the concerned parent, multiple parenting suggestions and approaches can seem confusing and overwhelming, as do multiple opinions when it comes to choices in education. There are many opinions out there about what works, and what is best for our children.
But is this necessarily a bad thing?
It can be helpful to have a variety of opinions–if we can reframe this as a variety of information. The problem is that when we’re feeling confused with regards to our children and some issue that is coming up and we don’t know how we should handle their education or their troubling behavior, we often look for a lifeline, something that is going to save us by telling us how to make everything all better. We want–even (feel that we) need–The Answer. And then, instead of getting The Answer, we get many different answers.
When confronted with differing opinions, it may be more helpful if we shift how we think of what people are telling us. Whether they are weighing in on issues with parenting our children or what they think is best to help our children meet their educational, developmental and social needs, it may be helpful to think about what different people tell us, not as the be-all-end-all answer, but rather, as information to be considered and synthesized by us, the parent. This can empower a parent to think about who this child is, what we know of this child, and then think: “What of all the different things that I’m hearing makes the most sense knowing what I know about my child?” Yes, there are experts out there, but as parents, we have an expertise with regards to our children as well.
This is not to suggest that this is a simple process. As with most things that arise when it comes to raising children, there are a lot of complicating factors. We need to make sure that the option, advice or suggestion that’s appealing to us isn’t appealing because it’s the easiest one for us to carry out. Sometimes the right answer for a child is something extremely uncomfortable for us to do. For example, maybe a child is having trouble keeping up in school. Some tell us to keep the child in mainstream and just get extra tutoring because it will be better for them socially or for their future. Others urge the parents to take this child out of the mainstream school and put him into a special school. It’s important to realize when we are making these decisions: are we considering the child for who he or she is, or our own discomfort? It can be difficult to make a choice that is uncomfortable for us, just as it can be difficult to make a choice that seems unpopular to others but makes the most sense for us.
Ultimately, what is most uncomfortable is when we are equally torn between two choices that both have merit. When our child’s future or wellbeing is at stake, it’s hard not to agonize and feel anxious over what is really right. What makes this most difficult of all is our inability to know the future, to know whether we will look back on a decision and feel that it was really the right one, or whether the other choice would have been better. Ultimately, we can’t really know, because we cannot see into the future. We can only make the best decision based on what we know at present. We can then keep a close eye on that choice, knowing that, if need be, we will change course. And ultimately, be part of whatever process and decision-making needs to take place with a dialogue with the child about these choices, when necessary and appropriate.