When you look into your children’s eyes, do you sometimes shudder to think of the parent you have become? Here’s what I mean: You wake up every morning with the best of intentions, determined to keep your cool and be positive with your children. But, like failed dieting, your resolve melts sooner or later in the day, when a child spills a drink, or you are late again, or there is just too much stuff for one set of parents to deal with. You quickly become irritable and angry, and lash out at whoever is in your path. The pain and confusion in your children’s eyes is only matched by the guilt that you feel.
Though this is a pattern that is all too common, it is a reactive and unhealthy response to stress. Many a parent is unaware of how he is seen by his children, and becomes defensive – “I have to yell for them to listen” – as well. It is a huge first step to accept responsibility for our behavior and acknowledge that it has a negative effect on our children.
Most parents have a sincere desire to do better, but to accomplish that goal, we have to develop insight into the cause of parental yelling. Parents do not wake up saying, “I will yell/punish my child today.” The typical parent has good intentions, but – for a variety of reasons – cannot withstand the trials of the day. Unfortunately, the pattern of yelling is reinforced by the fact that in the short run, it works. It scares the children out of their wits and into compliance. It also provides the parent with an (unhealthy) release of his pent up emotion. However, in the long run – which is what counts – it leads to damaged relationships and wounded children who suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.
When dealing with troubling issues, our first step is to work on understanding them. So we need to figure out why we keep doing this thing that we know is wrong, something that we definitely don’t want to do. Obviously, there are as many answers as there are parents, but here’s a thought.
We live in very stressful times. Though our own grandparents worked harder than we do, certainly physically, their lives were far less complex. In contrast, the typical parent today has an easier, yet far more complicated life, with carpools, myriad means of communication, social and financial commitments, all of which our forebears escaped. The effect of the cumulative stress – which is defined as “too much, too soon” – is to make us feel on edge. Keeping all our balls in the air and not letting them drop is a constant struggle. So if a child has a tantrum, misses carpool, so the parent is late for work, has to “face the music” and perhaps come home late for dinner, etc., it is little wonder that the most common of occurrences (tantrums and spills) sends us over the deep end.
What’s a parent to do? How do we stay calm when the going gets rough?
A concept that many have found helpful is that of “lowering the temperature.” Here is how it works: When we are cooking, every little flame adds to the conflagration, but when we are cool, we can tolerate the little fires and even manage to put them out. Similarly, the calm mom can brook a tantrum, while the stressed out mom overreacts to even a minor incident.
Lowering the temperature is no easy matter; it takes proactive planning on the part of both parents. Though I am unaware of any magic, here are some ideas you may find useful in generally lowering the temperature:
- Avoid doing that last thing that puts you over the top. You could push yourself to make that extra dish for company and then catch up on your rest on Shabbos, but you can also choose to let it go.
- People are more important than things. You don’t want to ignore a crying infant, but an undusted table never hurt anyone.
- That four-year-old in an ironed, starched shirt looks darling. But only you can decide if it is worth the extra hassle.
- Develop a positive mind-frame where you have realistic expectations and choose your battles. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
- Deal with any issues of perfectionism you may harbor. Strive for competence instead.
Though there may be many factors that contribute to our tension and loss of control, we will have a better ability to deal with our children when we feel calm. And though keeping the thermostat set at “low” is a lifelong project, even the smallest drop in temperature will have a positive ripple effect in the family.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles/ Beverly Hills. She can be reached at sara.teichman@etta.org.