Is your daughter a drama queen who holds you hostage with her tales of woe? Does your son want you to fight his battles with the hanhala of his yeshiva? Do your kids expect you to provide entertainment when they bleat “Maaa, I’m so bored…”? Do you sometimes long for the days when kids were “seen but not heard”?

In our rational moments, we know that we do not want to go back to that old mentality. We do want our children to have both a voice and a presence. Yet sometimes, it is hard to ignore that niggling feeling that we are abdicating our parental role – and handing over the throne.

Our society has made quite a leap since the days we expected blind obedience, where ignoring a child’s feelings and perceptions was the norm. Today we’ve come to a place where listening to and understanding the child is de rigueur. Actually, it sometimes feels like a pendulum – in its effort to self-correct, it is moving too far. Sometimes, indeed, we are overstanding our child.

You will not find the word “overstanding” in Webster’s latest edition, but allow me to define what "overstanding” means. Overstanding is when the degree of understanding is way overboard. It is over-identifying with our child’s feelings – to the point where we lose clarity. It is when we get so caught in the understanding and are paralyzed by this understanding. It is when the boundary between child and parent is porous and we actually feel that we are the child in pain. It is when we are stuck in the overstanding and forget that we have a mandate to, not only understand our child, but also to be mechanech. It is a place we all visit sometimes, but it is a place that we sure don’t want to live in.

Empathy, the quality of feeling what it is like for our child, is critical in a healthy parent-child relationship. It tells the child that we understand who he is, what he is about, what he likes and dislikes – in short, his internal world. It is a way of showing that we value his experiences and what they mean to him. However, empathy falls short of living the child’s life for him, or even solving his problems. While we feel for the child, he is the author of his own story and must write it himself, chapter by chapter. By “overstanding,” we infringe on this process, sometimes by editing, but sometimes by actually writing the script for him.

Our goal as parents is to be as empathic as we can, to provide encouragement and support – and to guide our children to make the right decisions for themselves.

Allow me to illustrate:

Nine-year-old Shloimy is having a hard time. His Mom just had a new baby, his best friend moved out of town, and he “hates” his rebbe. He often expresses his discomfort by picking on his seven-year-old sister Dani – calling her names, ripping up her stuff, and intruding on her guests. Mom knows what Shloimy is going through and wishes desperately that she knew how to help him or make it all go away. In the meantime, she refrains from setting limits or consequences and even tells Dani to just ignore Shloimy because “he’s having a hard time.” Because Mom “overstands”  Shloimy, she permit his unacceptable behavior – which, by the way, does not make Shloimy feel any better, help him deal with his challenge, or prepare him for adulthood.

Rus, a high school student, is having an issue with her Navi teacher. Rus has been close to tears over this, finds every excuse to miss class, and is refusing to do her assignments. Rus has always been a good girl, a fine student who does not make any trouble. The truth is, as Mom sees it, Rus is kind of passive and does not communicate well. Mom remembers being like that in high school and she really “overstands” how uncomfortable this situation is for her daughter. So instead of coaching her in how to approach the teacher, or at most, accompanying her, she calls the teacher and has it out with her instead. Though Mom may have solved the issue, she has also deprived her daughter of the opportunity to work things out on her own and feel the satisfaction that conflict resolution brings. It is also conceivable that she made her daughter feel like a “loser” because she cannot stick up for herself.

 As adults, we need to maintain perspective. We have to see the big picture, not just the flash of the camera, and sometimes we have to let our children’s lives slowly unfold before we rush to their rescue. We need to listen and show empathy, all the while understanding that our children facing their own challenges – and dealing with them – is what creates character. Our ability to differentiate between understanding and overstanding is one of the keys to our children’s growth and development.

Dr. Sara Teichman, Psy.D. is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles/ Beverly Hills. She can be reached at sara.teichman@etta.org.