“Hello Yehudis, how can I help you?”

“I heard you have a residence for adults with mental illness. My son, who just turned 20, is in the psych ward for the third time this year. I am no longer able to care for him at home and I am imploring you for help. Do you know what it’s like to have a child who doesn’t want to take his medication and doesn’t come out of his room for days, doesn’t shower, and only eats when no one is around? My other children and I are afraid of him! He can start screaming and throwing things and that’s when I know that I have to make the painful call to Hatzalah so they could take him to the hospital in order to stabilize him.“

These are some of the types of calls that the intake department at OHEL receives. Having a child with mental illness brings on many challenges, emotions and questions, including: Was it something I did that caused my child to be this way? Is he receiving the right treatment? Will he ever get better? Will he ever be able to get a job and get married? How can I make sure the rest of the family is not affected? Do I have the strength to advocate for him? How can I live my own life without being consumed with his issues? How can I feel less stigmatized by my child?

According to Ken Duckworth, medical director for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, more than 60 million adults – that’s 1 in 4 Americans – suffer from some sort of mental illness, ranging anywhere from panic disorders to depression. Even when a family has resources and does everything right, Ken explains, it can take years to find the proper care. However, it’s comforting to know that when people do get that help, they are able to stabilize their illness and function quite well in society.

What could be learned from people who deal with the day-to-day reality of mental illness?

It’s important to find a qualified mental health professional who can detect the sometimes subtle nuances that distinguish one disorder from another. For example, there are many overlapping symptoms in bipolar disorder and ADHD. Taking the wrong medication for the wrong diagnosis can trigger increased symptoms. 

A good doctor will devote several hours to gathering facts about the individual’s physical, emotional and medical history, learning about his mental health problems, exploring drug or alcohol abuse history in related family members, and reviewing reports or comments from the individual’s previous mental health caretakers. The professional should spend time on providing a written report after completing the assessment.

It’s important that you feel comfortable with your doctor’s treatment recommendations. If you’re not, or if you have doubts about the diagnosis, seek a second opinion.

Combining medication and therapy often provides the best outcomes to stabilize symptoms. Family therapy should be considered as well to support the parents and siblings who are living with a family member who struggles with mental illness.

Before committing to a particular therapist, be clear about what you want to accomplish. Come to your first meeting prepared with questions, such as what kind of progress you should expect, and how it will be accomplished and measured.

The stigma associated with mental illness often causes parents to deny the possibility that something deeper is going on in their loved one’s brain. As a result, they attribute odd or unacceptable behaviors to laziness or irresponsibility. Some parents blame themselves and assume their child’s behavior is a reflection on poor parenting or inadequate role modeling, not understanding the genetic predisposition to mental illness. The challenge is to learn to stop blaming yourself.

Parenting younger children with mental illness requires a different set of skills. The old-fashioned way our parents disciplined us will not work well. Putting a child in the corner for time-out or restricting the child for days on end has little to no effect when a child struggles with mental illness.

Parenting a child with brain chemical imbalance and behavioral problems requires parents to think outside the box. That does not mean that we throw structure and discipline to the wind; rather, it means searching for the methods that will best suit our children. Chanoch lana’ar al pi darko applies especially well in these cases.

Everyone has advice, especially if you go looking for it. But the truth is, you are the expert and you know your child better than anyone else. You live with him 24/7 and are aware of his moods, habits, and what his character is made of. And you love that child more than anyone else. You are, therefore, the best advocate, and become the squeaky wheels. People might not like it, but who else will fight for your child? Of course, you should listen to the advice of professionals. But keep in mind that they visit with your child for 45 minutes once a month, and make their evaluations based on those brief interactions and in those controlled environments. So take their recommendations into account, but measure it by what you know to be true. You have a lifetime of experiences, before and after the onset of your child's mental illness. Remembering this will help in the choices you make to better your child’s education and development, and to guide you in finding the right people who can help you help your child.

If your child were diagnosed with any other disease, you would seek to understand that sickness, and would want to know everything about it. Once you know, education is power in your hands. You no longer are an uneducated parent, subject to another's opinion and advice. 

Support groups are fabulous for encouragement, as are training courses designed for parents whose children struggle with mental illness. These trainings will give you the knowledge, support and empathy you need. You will meet people who are on the same journey as you and you will feel less alone.

Let go of the guilt! It will only hinder you when parenting your child and overseeing their care. That hindrance will keep you from being proactive.

To stay emotionally and spiritually strong, prayer is essential. Otherwise, your struggle may overcome you. Find at least one tefillah that you can cling to, and allow it to strengthen you and cover you like a soothing balm on parched skin.

In summary, when parenting a child with mental illness, the methods of traditional parenting can be counterproductive, so think outside the box. Educating yourself on the kind of mental illness your child has will give you the knowledge to help you parent as well as assist you in informing others who don't comprehend mental illnesses. You are your child's best advocate, so use it to obtain the necessary help they need, pray without ceasing, let go of guilt, and find the right mental health professionals who can improve your child’s symptoms. You can do this!

Sarah Kahan, LCSW is the supervisor of OHEL Access at OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services. Access the breadth of available services by calling 1-800-603-OHEL, emailing access@ohelfamily.org or visiting www.ohelfamily.org.