Resilience is touted by scientists as one of the prime ingredients necessary to navigate life’s challenges. Merriam Webster dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change." We often look towards children, with their positive outlooks on life, as a great example of resilience, to understand its benefits. While the advantages of resilience are numerous, let’s look at the other side of the coin: the benefits of falling, of hitting the ground and not bouncing back up like a rubber band. And then, appreciating the changes that happen as a result of the new view from below.
In these cases, a “Go with the flow” attitude can often hinder personal growth. Moving forward without allowing life to have an impact on us, can actually be harmful rather than helpful. More significantly, when things are not working out as expected, people are often forced to reexamine their lives, reorganizing in a manner that they would have never considered before.
While current research discusses post traumatic growth, let’s focus on what happens in the moments of trauma and difficulty, and the process that leads to the development and growth.
Was there ever a day during the coronavirus quarantine, where the stress just got to you, and you thought “this is it, it has to end here because I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this”?
The pandemic touched on so many important cornerstones of security in our lives. The fear of death, financial ruin, and social isolation is but a small sample of the uncertainties that people faced on a daily basis. For some, it meant being confined in close quarters with family members, for others it meant interactions with their peers that included a six-foot barrier. For everyone, it heralded immense change and loss that made it impossible to view the world as they did before.
People often wonder if it is possible to find peace in the face of loss. It can seem too remote of a goal. How can you really accept such difficulties? Although acceptance may be hard, we must have courage.
Courage is allowing ourselves to taste the fear and sit with it during these moments of uncertainty. Allowing ourselves to accept it and grieve all that has changed and all that has been lost. Allowing ourselves to mourn our past and how it has been irrevocably transformed. To do so, we have to take note of the practical changes we must now cope with, such as change in finances or loss of a loved one, and then, its emotional implications. So, instead of denying the loss, we should take a deep breath and focus on it, allowing the emotions to wash over us. We should feel the loss, fear, and sadness with all its intensity, without trying to fight it or minimize it. And as we sit with the pain, we will provide it a space in which it can exist and gain momentum. It is during these moments of intensity, during the peak of the waves, that we face the fears that accompany the changes. In tasting this despair, we may sit in our helplessness and feel that we cannot summon the strength to continue. And wonder how we can continue to live in such a world.
This is different from our usual method of surviving; With that method, we try to soldier on and get lost in the minutiae of daily life, without ever facing the effects of our new reality. But these are just practical coping mechanisms and are not enough. When we follow this method, the sadness continues to linger, at times threatening to overwhelm us. This is just surface change.
Sitting with the fear and emotion helps us face the existential truths that are worthy of bringing about internal change. These kinds of change take a different route than practical change. By acknowledging our losses we can then make space for longing and desire to come forth. For example, we may mourn the loss of a loved one and wish we had spent more time getting to know them in a real way. These ideals can lead to new goals, such as strengthening a current relationship, living in the moment, or valuing what we have in the present. After we identify these values, we can create practical changes as a vehicle for growth. If we need to strengthen a relationship, we might choose practical ways of nurturing it, such as setting aside time for it, or noting certain details that have meaning to the other person. If we want to live in the present and notice our current gifts, we may decide to focus on being mindful and expressing gratitude for five minutes a day.
Finally, as is the way of nature, the waves of negative emotions will begin to recede because they have finally been given the permission to do so. This movement will bring forth the change we have craved for so long. By acknowledging the loss and understanding the value of the present, we have created space for more meaningful relationships and can finally live life on the premise of internal values.
To illustrate this concept, let’s look at a pair of newlyweds. They are accustomed to being single and often to living in their parent’s home until they marry. While marriage is an enormous change in their lives, traditionally they are given a fair amount of support, which helps the couple transition into their new reality. Financial assistance, invitations for meals, and being hosted for weekends are just some of these supports. When finally pushed to survive on their own, these couples must face their own fears and their capacity to function as an independent whole. What happens when they must rely solely on their own resources? This becomes a struggle that pushes them, so to speak, ‘to the bottom’ Couples in this unit must face their fears of the unknown, and they must dig deep into the pain to acquire an emotional coping mechanism that allows them to weather the storm through leaning on and supporting each other. For those brave enough to really face these fears and work through them, they will have learned how to focus on their strengths and tolerate their weaknesses. They will have learned how to be the support that the other is seeking and will have discovered a person they can trust and depend on in moments of uncertainty. By doing this, the couple will have laid the cornerstone for a deep and meaningful connection in their relationship for many years to come. They have not just changed their practical routine, they have created an internal shift that will endure, even if their practical routine might shift back in some ways to the way they were before.
This does not mean that we should dismiss and disregard resilience. Resilience is an important goal that we all strive for. Rather, we can use this new method to deepen our understanding of resilience and to move above and beyond shallow, external changes. We can finally see the advantages of working through the emotions connected to a challenge. We can finally comprehend the benefits of experiencing despair, shattered dreams, or destruction of preconceived notions. This understanding that we gain is paramount. It is an understanding of how experiencing pain and loneliness can help bring forth the best in us, and how hurt can be transformed to positive change, when we have the courage to finally face it.