The “latest research” gets copious amounts of media attention as trends come and go. Remember way back in the 90’s when parents used to put their infants to sleep on their stomachs? Now, in 2020, you wouldn’t dare do such a thing! How about some years ago when large amounts of beta-carotene could supposedly prevent cancer? Now, in 2020, it’s beta-what? When a major myth is busted, why don’t we hear about it at a level that matches the original media blitz?
Many people believe that if a mother works outside of the home, her children suffer because of less parent-child contact hours. That is actually a myth, according to researchers Suzanne Bianchi, John Robinson, and Melissa Milkie. They found that, “Parents are spending as much and perhaps more time interacting with their children today than parents in 1965, the heyday of the stay-at- home mother.” The authors of this research wrote a book titled, “Changing Rhythms of American Family Life” and came to their myth–busting conclusion by analyzing four decades of time-diary surveys, where parents chronicled all of their daily activities. “For married mothers,” states Robert Pear (NY Times 10/17/06), “the time spent on child care activities increased to an average of 12.9 hours a week in 2000, from 10.6 hours in 1965. For married fathers, the time spent on child care more than doubled, to 6.5 hours a week from 2.6 hours.”
Does this surprise you? How can mothers, who work more hours than ever before, continue to spend as much time with their children as they did forty years ago? The authors explain, “By increasingly engaging in multitasking and incorporating their children in their own leisure activities, parents have deepened their time to circumvent the simple zero-sum trade-off between work and the other areas of their lives.”
It is interesting to note that mothers these days are still getting as much sleep and leisure time as in earlier decades. But this raises a question: with both work and children to take care of, shouldn’t they be losing sleep? One key factor that explains this paradox is that mothers are spending less time on housework than their own mothers did, as fathers have increased the time they spend on both domestic chores and fathering. Referring to this research, Pear adds, “Fathers have picked up some of the slack. Married fathers are spending more time on housework: an average of 9.7 hours a week in 2000, up from 4.4 hours in 1965.” Lest I give you the impression that life is magnificent these days, there seems to be a downside to this good news. “Today’s mothers feel more rushed,” state the authors, “as if they are doing everything at once, more so than their mothers did. This is common across all mothers, though more intense for those who are employed – especially when compared with fathers.”
Nevertheless, why do I wish we could see more media attention paid to this research study? For three reasons. First, this is definitely a win-win situation for children. Parent-child contact hours are critical for child development. Therefore, if these precious hours that parents and children spend together are stable and not declining, that is excellent. Second, it indicates that parents really care about quantity time with their children and are exerting themselves to ensure they give it to their children. In truth, they could give all types of excuses for why they are exhausted from work and can’t spend time with their families. However, no excuses are necessary because most parents are apparently overcoming these obstacles. In this generation, it is necessary for more mothers to be at work each day, so they work longer hours than previous generations. This is our reality and parents today have truly risen to the occasion.
This brings me to my third and final point, which is resilience. Parents have managed to adapt to difficult circumstances and have landed on their feet. Parents are keeping their eyes on the goal of a secure and supportive family life and will not be deterred. This is not just a wonderful accomplishment for the parents of this generation. It is also great because it allows children to observe their parental role models and internalize these values. Isn’t it reassuring to know, that even though times have changed, the commitment of parents to their children has not?
Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in NJ & NY since 1980 with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He counsels via Zoom & Skype, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage.
dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707