Teasing has many faces. It can be used to make jokes, it can be used to play tricks, or it can be used to hurt someone as offense or defense, to suggest a few applications. When children do it to each other, teasing can lead to bullying. In fact, teasing is really steps away from bullying, if the behavior continues and if it is becoming hurtful.
When adults tease children who do not know how to respond, teasing can be very detrimental. When a child is whiny and crying all the time, those around the child can become very irritated, tempting adults to call her/him a crybaby, exacerbating the situation. In fact, laughing at the child encourages other children to do the same thing and only magnifies the problem, as it destroys the role of protector that an adult should be for a child, especially a parent. Once the siblings start using an insulting epithet in front of strangers or neighbors or the teased child’s friends, others will pick it up and apply it. Instead of helping the child who needs emotional strengthening, it aids in his/her destruction. If parents ever wonder why their child has behavioral issues further down the line, an episode like this can be a likely starting point. As easy as it is to start, that is how difficult it is to reverse.
Sometimes when people are in a fun mood, they let themselves go and tease someone else. If the person finds it amusing one time, then it might be funny. However, if it continues and others pick it up and turn it into a chant, it becomes hurtful. Sometimes teasing is a way for someone to release their anger at someone, particularly when making fun of someone’s name or physical weakness. Fun can turn into meanness with the snap of a finger. For most cases, once they take hold, they become nasty and painful.
In an interesting twist, a person may stumble accidentally on the weak spot of another person who hurts or bullies him regularly. That gives the former victim an opportunity to “get back” at the oppressor, turning the tables on the bully. Too often this can be found in a school situation, at times with disastrous results. Many bullies are very fragile individuals, although others may not know it. Turning the tables could result in escalation of hurting the new perpetrator, or causing him/herself harm by turning inward for self-destruction.
Adults have a strong role to play in teasing situations. Sibling teasing reflects the parents’ approach to each one. There is no question that everyone can have aggravating traits and living with those traits can be very annoying. The responsibility of a parent is to guide each child through the more annoying phases without letting distress overwhelm everyone.
In the case of a whining child, parents should try very hard to remind the whiner to use her/his words instead of crying. If the child needs a quiet place to calm down before s/he can do so, the parent can ask the child to please go to her/his quiet place, either physically or in her/his imagination until ready to try again. This puts a great load on a parent who is at his/her wits’ end to do this, but it is the parent who sets the stage in the family. Children learn more from watching parents in action than they do from being told what to do. If a sibling picks up on a parent’s teasing of another sibling, the family unity can suffer a serious blow.
Since no one is perfect and teasing is often a recurrent behavior, it is important that parents set the rules for the children to know what is and what is not acceptable at a time when the family is not in a critical situation. Family meetings should begin as soon as children are able to talk clearly, usually around two-and-a-half years old, when they also understand discussions the most. If the family has just had an unhappy episode that led to teasing, it is important to discuss it to see how each one could have treated each other more respectfully instead of making fun at the other’s expense. The discussion needs to be age appropriate. Deep analyses over a long period of time will be a waste and probably counter-productive. A few minutes of pointing out how each one could have hurt someone’s feelings, apologizing and trying hard not to do it again, or stopping it if it starts again by reminding everyone involved about their previous discussion, should be enough. If parents are consistent, children will learn to be appropriate, including the chronic whiner.
If parents notice that their children are being teased in school, in clubs or on teams, the teachers or leaders should be informed. In addition, parents can bring constructive suggestions to the adults involved to try to reduce the difficulty. Children should be guided to get past teasing to hurt people before it gets to bullying, which is so much more serious and difficult to ameliorate.
Marlene Greenspan, MA, LPC, is currently in private practice and the director of Counseling for Better Living. For many years, Marlene Greenspan has created social skills programs, written weekly Counseling Corner articles, given workshops, taught classes, and published journal articles for professional organizations, including Nefesh, ACA, ASCA, and the OU. She also has EMDR training and can be reached at counselingforbetterliving@gmail.com. Visit her blog: www.counselingforbetterliving.com.