The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stated that wearing masks have been proven to help protect us from Covid-19. In a world that feels so chaotic, unstable and unknown, many of us have been holding on to this theory. Just wear the mask and you’ll be safer, wear the mask and you won’t be exposed. As difficult and painful as this pandemic has been, it has brought to the surface something profound. Masks seem to be for the outside world only. We do not need them in our homes and we do not need them with the people closest to us, with whom we live. If we truly stop and think about it, I wonder if we have been masking ourselves for quite some time now. While the pandemic has brought about the tangible reality of the mask, we all wear emotional masks to protect ourselves.

In his famous song, “ The Stranger”, Billy Joel so eloquently sings, “Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.” As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in intimacy and trauma, I have so many couples, so many men and women, who can’t show the world who they truly are out of fear of being exposed. What might happen if they see the real me? So, what do we do? We put our mask on and hide ourselves from the world. We self-quarantine and isolate because the possible exposure to disappointment, failure, vulnerability and rejection is just too risky. The price of exposure is simply too high.

During the “opening up phases” of the pandemic, we all had to make certain judgment calls. Who should I let in, who should I begin to expose myself to and who should I keep out? Every day of our lives our minds are scanning our surroundings and noticing, who feels safest? Who can I let it, show the true me? Since returning to my office after months of telehealth, we have a policy in my office. Clients must wear a mask in the waiting room, but can choose to remove it once they enter my office. At first, this was done as a safety precaution for my clients’ health. However, I now use the mask as a therapeutic intervention. I have my clients keep their masks on for a few extra minutes in my office and notice what it feels like to be covered up in session. And then notice what it feels like to slowly remove the mask and allow me and my therapy office to see them, the real them, sometimes for the very first time. As they slowly remove their mask, I observe two things. First, the client’s body will usually stiffen up, as they are nervous, afraid, vulnerable. I then see the muscles relax as they look around the room, and we make eye contact. They feel vulnerable, yes, but the relief of feeling accepted and able to open up overpowers the fear. It is a true human to human interaction.

My family and I were all diagnosed with coronavirus in early March. We did not leave our home for over a month for any reason. After recovering, my first trip out was to my local supermarket. I felt as if I had entered the twilight zone, an alternate reality where people didn’t go near each other, no one made eye contact or spoke to each other. I kept trying to look at people, desperately searching for a smile, an expression other than fear, but the masks covered it up. I could still clearly remember hearing the message over the store’s loudspeaker repeating “please remain 6 feet apart and do not stop for conversations. Masks and gloves must be worn at all times”. I remember getting back into my car and just weeping. Is this our new reality? Will we live in a world of fear and disconnection from now on? Is this the new world I will be raising my children in? I sat in my car for a while that day, thinking about life and our new reality, and thought what if this was my opportunity to see the face behind the mask? There is a famous saying, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” It is no coincidence that our eyes are still uncovered while our faces are, because we can still choose to connect, to truly see one another. In order to do our part in fighting the pandemic, we must put on the mask. But to do our part in fighting disconnection, we must metaphorically remove it. The question is, how do we find the courage to do so?

I believe the first step is self-compassion. We must learn to know and love ourselves in order for others to truly know and love us. Notice your strengths and weaknesses and learn to embrace them. Begin to compliment and applaud yourself for your accomplishments. The second step is accepting the fact that we, as humans, are flawed and imperfect and that is okay. Once we accept that, we can begin to allow ourselves to be real and vulnerable. Brene Brown, a world renowned speaker and author, once said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” Just as we are slowly exposing ourselves physically through the “opening up” phases of this pandemic, I ask of you all to do the same, metaphorically. Find those that are safest for you and find the courage to take off your emotional mask, to stop hiding and allow your true self to be revealed, to allow yourself to be loved and accepted for who you really are. I hope that after this pandemic has ended, we will be able to take off the cover and finally feel safe enough to show the world the face behind the mask.