Getting to know our children is a very gradual process and an imperfect one as well.
Though parents vary in their ability to read their children—some of us do better than others—there is no fool-proof way to know what another is thinking or feeling, even if that someone is our child. In general, a parent who has a high EQ (Emotional Intelligence) who is self-aware and attuned to their own thoughts, feelings, motivation, and behavior has a better chance of discerning those of others. People with a good social sense who can read body language and non-verbal cues and have the ability to listen to the music, not just the words, also stand a better chance. But, no matter how in touch and astute we may be, it is a serious error to presume knowledge that we cannot possibly have.
It is not only parents who mistakenly believe that they know another person’s thoughts, feelings, or motivation. To some extent we all do this: we see what we expect to see; we imagine what is most familiar to us. We are sure our spouse is in a bad mood because of traffic simply because we would feel that way in the same circumstance. We know our friend is pulling back when she fails to notice us at a simcha, because we imagine that we would react that way in a similar situation.
Nevertheless, as parents we want to avoid this trap with our children. Much as we love our children, our children are not extensions of us. They are separate, individual people with their own temperament, life circumstances, challenges, and strengths. Most important, they are separate from us and have their own way of thinking, kaleidoscope of emotions, unique motivation, and choice of behavior. To reduce all this to a mere reflection of ourselves is to cut our child short. It diminishes the child and stunts their growth. As responsible parents, we want to respect our children’s individuality and process. We want to make sure that we are very careful not to invent motives, fabricate desires, or ascribe a particular meaning to our child’s behavior.
So, how do we learn about our children’s thoughts and feelings? How do we figure out the meaning of their behavior? Well, in the long run, they will tell us if they choose to; in the short run, it’s a work in progress. But, here’s something to think about: not-knowing is better than “knowing.” A person in the not-knowing position is curious and willing to work hard to learn, but a person who “knows” is done. Your not-knowing position vis-à-vis your children is key to being open to learn about your child. And, the process of learning about our children is critical for us to be able to provide chinuch al pi darko.
So, let’s look at the process of learning about our children in order to avoid presumptions and misconceptions. The early process—observation—begins immediately. Make a serious study of your child—what he likes and doesn’t, what scares or startles him. Does he have sensory issues? Is he relaxed or tense? Is he easily over-stimulated or passive? Watch as people approach him—does he enjoy a lively social environment or prefer quieter, alone-time? By careful study of your child, you will develop some working hypotheses about his nature, wants, and needs. By staying in the not-knowing position, you can then initiate, try out some ideas, and observe your baby’s reaction.
Mom has observed that 10-month-old Moishe loves the social hubbub—but only to a point. She encourages his siblings to play near him but is ever vigilant for Moishe’s squirming or turning his head away to show that he’s had enough. She’s a firm believer in Mommy and Me classes and arranges with the teacher to try it out for 15-minute intervals to see how well Moishe can tolerate it. When Moishe gesticulates wildly at all the activity, the teacher sees that as proof that Moishe is enthralled by the class. But, as Mom continues to watch, she perceives that what begins as enthusiasm degenerates into overstimulation and discomfort. Despite the disapproval of the instructor, Mom decides that Moishe is not ready for this experience.
As the baby matures and develops language, the parent’s role shifts to naming and labeling feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Once the toddler knows the words, they can use them to describe their experiences.
Miri, age 3, knows the four feeling words: sad, mad, glad, and afraid, though she is often unable to initiate and say her feelings.
Lately, she has been refusing to go to morah: she puts up a royal fuss each morning. Her abba says she’s “stubborn” and that mom just needs to be tough. Her morah thinks she likes to be “the boss” and some other children are currently in that #1 position. She recommends putting Miri in charge of the tzedakah box so she will have some control. But, when mom takes the time to question her, Miri is able to say that it’s “scary” by morah. By some clever questioning, mom learns that morah just got a huge stuffed clown that is frightening her.
There are many other strategies for learning more about our children’s inner world—perhaps a subject for another article? But, by following our children’s lead through observation and listening rather than inserting ourselves in the equation, we validate our children’s experiences rather than control them. When we take the time to learn about our children from whichever way they choose to express themselves, we teach them that they have a right to their own thoughts, feelings, and motivation and that it is our privilege to respect them.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist and family counselor, formerly of Los Angeles, currently in Lakewood, New Jersey. She maintains a private practice where she sees adults, couples, and families. Dr. Teichman can be reached at 323-940-1000 or drsteichman@gmail.com.