Elul. It is a powerful and sobering time of year, a time for introspection, commitment and growth. For many it brings back memories of warm holiday spirits and long hours spent in shul davening and singing the heartwarming, seasonal songs. But for others, Elul has a completely different meaning.
“I feel my whole body tense up as soon as I hear the words, ‘Rosh Chodesh ELUL.’ I constantly worry that I am going to do something wrong. I know that this is the time to be doing teshuva, And I try. But I am pretty sure that I am not doing a good enough job. When I am in shul on Rosh Hashanah, I daven as hard as I can that HaShem should forgive me, but I can almost see Gehinnom in front of me.”
Like many, Dov is experiencing strong anxiety symptoms relating to yomim noraim, and they pervade through the end of Tishrei. Dov wonders if the ruchniyus side of him can “feel” something imminent or special about this auspicious time. Perhaps he is more spiritually attuned than others.
I want to understand how Dov has begun to associate Elul with terror. For this, we need to look back at where his perceptions began. Dov remembers his time in Yeshiva hearing “shmuessen” from his mashgiach and rabbeim about the importance of teshuva and introspection at this time of year. I ask Dov to tell me more about those Shmuessen. Dov explains, “The mashgiach was an extremely talented orator. He would often give fiery and heartrending shmuessen, the type that could move anyone to teshuva. He would talk about the seriousness of aveira and how HaShem can destroy someone k’heref ayin. It is only b’rov chemlaso that He keeps us alive. I loved those shmuessen because I felt so inspired! Afterwards, I felt empowered to control myself from any aveira or nisayon that came my way for a while after the shmuess.”
“Wow, that sounds impressive. Tell me how he was so inspiring.”
“Well, the mashgiach had two components that made his speeches so powerful. The first is that he came prepared with a lot of content, especially about the Koach of an aveirah and the repercussions. The other Koach was in his delivery. He would raise his voice gradually with tremendous passion until the crowd was riveted and moved and he had a deep impact on us.”
Dov has been deeply affected by these kinds of shmuessen to a degree that they caused a “fire and brimstone” effect on his personality. As we discuss more about Dov, we learn that he was a serious and spiritual child. To his credit, he took the concepts of s’char v’onesh very seriously and sincerely. But the effects of the intensity of these shmuessen left him paralyzed with fear and a constant sense of spiritual and religious inadequacy. Dov began to feel as if HaShem is never happy with him because of his inability to ensure that his behaviors always be l’shem shomayim. He found himself feeling guilty if he enjoyed a meal (too much gashmiyus), or if he took leisure time (wasting time), especially during Elul. He often tried to recite Tikun Chatzos hoping to feel the churban, but would become frustrated when he just couldn’t connect to it. If he really believed and was working so hard, shouldn’t he be able to control himself and feel connected?
I realized as I learned more and more about Dov that it will have little value to enter into an intellectual debate about HaShem’s compassion and how He is a bochen l’vavos. Even if he can intellectually conceive that HaShem understands his challenges, he will still continue to have a constant sense of doom and inadequacy in HaShem’s eyes. At this point, the feelings of anxiety toward Yiddishkeit are just so deeply introjected* in his personality, that no degree of logic will actually change his feelings. This is similar to an adult who might feel uncomfortable to walk into a principal’s office because of associations from years back!
Dov is going to need to remember vividly how his early experiences affected him so deeply. When he does, he will need to rewrite a new script and attitude for himself on how HaShem feels toward him. This, in turn, will enable him to develop a completely new sense of self-compassion so that he can set more realistic expectations for himself. But in the process Dov will experience bouts of self-doubt, possibly feeling that he is failing HaShem or believing apikorsus. He will then grapple between his desire to rid himself of these debilitating feelings of shame and not wanting to be perceived as “bad” in the eyes of HaShem. It will cause Dov tremendous tension and insecurity, but that’s okay. I acknowledge that Dov is also going to need to grieve the idea that he is not at the level of ruchniyus that he imagined himself to be. As he exits his denial, it will likely cause him lots of shame and pain that will need to be tended to with care. I do not know how long it will take, because there may be many, many layers of denial, fear and cover ups.
What I also discovered is that as an eager and somewhat anxious child, Dov was vulnerable and internalized these messages with such trust, while the other bochurim succeeded in taking the messages from the mashgiach’s shmuessen as more of a lesson, without experiencing the intense level of inadequacy. I hope to create a safe environment for Dov to accept himself and all of his shortcomings, and to begin writing a new and more realistic script on his emunah. When this finally happens and he is more accepting of his true level of ruchniyus, Dov will hopefully become more successful in finding a more balanced way to grow through a process that is not compelled by fear and shame, but rather by desire and love for HaShem.
Technical terms: Introjection occurs when a person deeply internalizes the ideas or voices of other people, and is commonly associated with the internalization of external authority. These thoughts, patterns and beliefs become deeply embedded in his personality as absolute truths.