Will you have enough money for retirement? How long will your loved ones live? Will it rain on the day you planned your vacation? Will your next project be a failure?
Did you choose the right career? What if you had gone to a different university? Should you have made that investment? Are you really married to the right person?
What is it like to try and think about the past and the future? Are you feeling anxious just by reading these questions? (I am anxious just writing them!)
Stop the insanity! How can anyone know the answers?!
Trying to know the answers to these questions is like hunting for ghosts. Frustrating, futile, and really bad for your self-esteem. You are not going to win. No one can. Nevertheless, we easily get hooked into trying to answer impossible questions.
Puzzling Over the Puzzle
Why? The brain craves a complete puzzle. It wants the comfort of information. It appears there is actually a reward center in the brain for increasing certainty (Bromberg-Martin, Hikosaka, 2009).
For example, what is the first question you ask after hearing about a car accident? “Oh my god, what happened?” Usually only after that, do we ask “So, wait, is everyone ok?” Seeing a puzzle with a missing piece can be maddening! Our brains want the full picture.
And what happens when there is no way to fill the gaps? The response is often to freeze and wait, puzzling over the puzzle which has no final piece. The other option is to make up an ending, mistaking thoughts for fact.
How do you feel when unsure about the outcome of a project? Or a negotiation? Or whether someone will text you back? Whether or not a past decision was the right one? Do you cycle through all the possibilities until you are exhausted? How long do you usually do that for? Until it is too late to be productive?
It is definitely too late to change the past.
Here we will offer are two ways to think about uncertainty, doubt, and other very sticky thoughts which won’t go away:
Situation #1: The Car
You probably know that most means of transportation are controlled by computers these days. The temperature, the braking system, the ignition, and even just locking and unlocking the doors all takes place through computers. Do you happen to know the intricacies of how the computer chips work?
I am going to guess not. (If you are a computer scientist, kindly skip to Situation #2!) I will also guess that you are going to be riding in a car, bus, or train sometime soon.
When you get ready to take your next ride, will you stop and stare at your chosen transportation device, puzzling over it until you understand how the computer chips inside work? Or will you accept that it works, get in it, and go where you need to go? If your goal is to get to your next destination, how will understanding the thing help get you there? (Hank Robb, 2012).
Trying to grasp a full understanding of our future, past, or uncomfortable thoughts and emotions won’t help us live a richer, fuller, and more meaningful life. Trying hard to understand it all may actually be a barrier to progress.
Situation #2: The Movie Theater
You show up at a movie theater and the only seats left are close to the wall on the side of the theater. You sit down and settle in. The movie starts out great; it is interesting, entertaining, and you are totally engrossed
Suddenly, in the theater right next to you, on the other side of the wall, the new Star Wars is playing (Episode LXXIV). And through the wall, every explosion, laser blaster, and epic orchestral aria can be heard. If you’re enjoyment level until now was 100%, it has dropped to 70%.
What do you do? Start banging on the wall for them to turn down Star Wars? Seethe at the injustice of it? Walk out?
The calculation is this: would you like to enjoy your movie at 70%, somewhat less, or not at all?
In our lives there are some pretty uncomfortable things that come along, many of which we can neither control or fully understand. We can stop and get stuck in them, or we can continue to live according to our values as best as we can, given the circumstances.
Thanks for visiting and keep the conversations going! If you know someone you think would like to live a richer, fuller, more meaningful life, please share this blog with them.