Humans are peaceful creatures… when alone. Once there are two or more people sharing a project, a bank account, children, a religion, and even a country, there’s bound to be friction. Just take a look at what occurred during the 2016 election. Fiery debates sparked at dinner tables and on social media platforms, caused friction within families, between friends, and continued to do so even after the results were in! Whether discussing politics or in-laws, fighting presents itself in a number of ways and occurs for a variety of reasons.

Conflict falls into two categories: that of daily problems or core problems.

Daily problems deal with things like who is carpooling when or who will pick up the groceries. With good communication, these issues can be easily resolved without too much scarring.

Core problems go deeper, as they are about the emotions, one’s past, and the heartbeat of the relationship. They can be saying, “I feel unsafe, unnoticed, rejected, disrespected, unappreciated, jealous, devalued, unloved.” These become even more challenging to deal with when they hide behind daily problems, and most often, that is what happens.

Here are some of the triggers that cause much of the core problem ruckus:

It’s not fair! A lot of our fighting is related to our instinct to survive. As we strive to maintain a secure environment and ensure protection, we are naturally threatened if someone comes along with the intention of taking something that belongs to us, such as our job, our spouse, our money, or even peace and wellness from the next generation. Rules, accepted codes of behavior, and systems that promote justice all help foster a society that is, for the most part, manageable and safe. When someone violates one of these expected behaviors, our sense of balance and safety is disturbed, we feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, and scared. Thus, we react.

Frans de Waal, in his book The Bonobo and the Atheist, tells of Mhbuti the hunter who, when collecting food with his group, ignored the expected code of behavior by positioning himself so he could catch the most prey. When the rest of the clan realized what Mhbuti had done, they became enraged, attacked him, and took his food.

Having a strong sense of justice is healthy in that it sustains ethics in families, organizations, and societies, and therefore, increases the likelihood for survival. If not handled civilly, however, it can also lead to raised voices, broken relationships, and even violence and death.

Ouch! While we are on the subject of survival, let’s throw in the topic of ego. Being the smartest, the wealthiest, the bravest, the most popular, or the best looking seems to ensure us a place on the “survivors’ list.” When someone forces us to view ourselves as less than, we feel unlovable, weak, and thus, unsafe. This causes us to shout out in protection of our ego, self-image, and our existence.

Boo! We are all laden with unspoken or spoken fears. We might be worried that we are not good enough, that someone is better than we are, that we are not truly loved, or that our spouse or parent cares more for another. Sometimes when we fight, it is to express those insecurities and to expose the other’s true sentiment. Our thrashing around can also be our way of running from all our confusing feelings.

            Skewed Lenses: Life is filled with themes that we take with us throughout our lives. From early development, we make mental notes of what relationships look like– what they will make us feel like and what we can expect from others. We view all relationships through that personal lens. Often, fights begin because you heard someone say something he or she did not actually say. As I’ve written in the article, Three Important Relationship Communication Tips, we often interpret what we hear based on past relationship experiences.

Vintage Anger: People tend to subconsciously welcome scenarios that resemble traumatic experiences from their past so that they can relive, and finally resolve, that specific challenge. For example, when a wife picks a fight with her husband, she may indeed be trying to resolve a conflict she had with her deceased father years ago.

Chaos = Cozy: There is something called a Repetition of Chaos. Often people who have had a chaotic childhood will begin to feel uncomfortable when things are calm. That’s when they go on the prowl. Watch out–turbulence ahead!

Might Making Wrong: When bullied, we bully. If we do not speak up to defend ourselves, our automatic response to being wronged is to unleash our angst on a partner or family. It’s like passing the ball around. This is called misplaced aggression, and it’s a very common reason for fights. We see it at every age and in every stage.

Not So Close! People can be complicated. While most of us yearn for connection, some of us also fear closeness. According to the clinical professor of psychology Martin S. Bergman, “Longing for oneness co-exists with the fear of merging.” Attaching, sharing, and connecting with another person has its risks as it leaves us vulnerable to being rejected and hurt. Because of this fear of attachment and intimacy, we subconsciously seek to create space when someone gets dangerously close. One of easiest ways to achieve distance is to simply pick a fight.

Come Closer: Because it involves interaction, fighting can be a form of bonding. Just as kids tease each other or act out to get negative attention, so, too, do adults when they just want to be seen and connect with the other, but don’t know how to do so in a productive manner.

Can We Be Frank? Another added “benefit” to fighting is that yelling and screaming somehow gives us license to express what we would not have said in a calm state, thus pushing the relationship onto a more honest plane. When we’ve been meekly dilly-dallying around expressing our gripes, those honest eruptions–while destructive and dangerous–may seem to be the only way to get the job done.

It’s His Fault: Sometimes it really is. Sometimes you are just trying to express an emotion but the person on the receiving end cannot and does not want to hear you. He or she will talk over you, cut you off, shame and mock you, and find just any way he can to silence your expressions. Like trying to put a cork on an exploding soda bottle, the reaction to this silencing technique will surely be messy.

Look over there! We all feel vulnerable, scared, alone, insecure, worthless, and unlovable at times. Why not create a ruckus so no one will notice the raw and unattractive self that lurks behind? Kick up some dust. Make a fuss. That, dear readers, is called a smokescreen.

So, the next time you find yourself righting, mighting, biting, or fighting, look inside and try to identify one of these motives. Your raised self-awareness will surely lead you to more peaceful pastures.

Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy and intimacy counseling.  

Renée Beyda is a freelance writer, editor, an active Tweeter, and an artist. She resides in Brooklyn, NY with her family.