What Truly Counts in a Mate?

Michael J Salamon, Ph.D.

I have heard many accounts of just what people are looking for in a spouse. These stories range from questions of tablecloth colors; to a potential bride’s mother’s, and even grandmother’s, dress size; to the age at which the potential choson was toilet trained; to whether or not they chew gum; to how much money the partner’s parents are committing to the couple for the first five years of their marriage; to a request for a three generations of a family’s mental health records …the list has grown endless.

I have confirmed that people truly want to have answers to many of these requirements. I have actually been called by interested parties in many potential Shidduchim to respond to many of these requests for information. I’ve never responded to these inquiries but I always ask why people believe that the answers to these questions have any sort of an impact on the success and satisfaction in a marriage. The response I most often get is a quick cluck of the tongue by the caller and a brusque “Thank you” before they hang up.

People fish for assurances, trying to ease the way for young couples in a world where no such guarantees exist. There is no correlation between any of the variables that people have put stock in while attempting “to make sure we don’t end up in a bad place,” as one concerned mother said to me.

Just the other day it dawned on me. I have likely known it forever but never stated quite so publicly. While waiting in the airport for a flight from the Midwest that would take me back home, I was watching the people around me, as well as their interactions. Before the flight was called, people were mulling around, as they often do, many with their families, some including young rambunctious children.

Two things stood out about the midos of individuals. The first group of people did not listen to announcements made by the ground crew. They went straight up to the boarding gate and refused to budge despite the pleas of the workers to step back, because it was not time to board and disabled flyers would get onboard the flight first. Their children were loud and ran into people without even a nod to an apology. I realize that it can be hard to control an unruly child, excited about getting on an airplane, but parental responsibility took a back seat with these individuals. In fact, the way they spoke with their spouses and ignored both the people around them and the gate crew made them appear to be entitled. Not the nicest of human beings! In fact people muttered about them, mostly under their breath, but once or twice quite openly. It did not matter, they did what they wanted, ignoring the rules.

Then there were those who spoke politely to their spouse, children, and the others around, displaying a calming, comfortable, and secure demeanor. When the children became restless or ran around, they apologized for their child’s behavior and disciplined the child in a direct but supportive way. They did not jump the boarding line and allowed others to go ahead on the plane. They helped people put their carry-ons into the overhead compartments and smiled easily. These are the people who had conversations with their neighbors and were more natural in their demeanor. The types of people you want to spend time with. These are the kind of people with the midos you want to associate with. These are the people you want your children to marry.

Too often, a person’s midos takes a back seat in the Shidduch process. Oh yes, everyone asks about midos, but everyone who responds gives the same brief answer that the person you are asking about always has “wonderful midos.”

So how do you find out about a potential partner’s midos? I hear some of you readers suggesting a psychologist administered personality test. That idea simply will not work. Testing should not be part of a dating process. Similarly, I have said many times that general premarital counseling may be fine but if a couple needs premarital therapy because they do not seem comfortable with one another then perhaps they are not meant to be together.

What is clear is that the best method to measure good midos in a person is to spend time with them. Asking how a person acts in the beis medrash, at seminary, at school, or at the gym is only a limited slice of who they are. Over time, in a variety of different situations, you see and get a feel for how people react to the tasks and pressures of life. The best way to find a mate is to take the time to get to know the person you are dating. Get to know their friends as well as their real midos.