The problem with marriage is that our partner has the ability to hurt us in ways no one else can. We are hardwired to want to be in an intimate relationship with another. Our initial blueprint for attachment is formulated by our first intimate relationship, that of our primary caregiver. The messages we received as children around our worthiness, specialness, and lovability were reflected in the responses our caregiver gave us. Ideally, when we expressed our distress or joy as children, more often than not, someone was there to mirror back to us what we were expressing and attend to our needs. If we did not receive enough consistent responsiveness, we developed “sensitive areas.” These sensitive areas can be identified by noticing what we react most strongly to in the present.

Abe and Sara are a young married couple. They came to see me for marriage therapy and presented examples of how Abe often feels hurt by Sara. He interprets many of her reactions as a lack of caring for his needs and reacts by withdrawing from her. An example of this is his discomfort when visiting Sara’s family in their upstate home during the summer months. Sara, on the other hand, loves the time spent with her family. It gives her a taste of vacation and a break from handling their young children by herself. When she insists on going, he feels disrespected and hurt that she can’t hear how distressing these visits are for him. Recently, Sara said to Abe, “I don’t want to be physically close to you until we are emotionally close.” Abe had a strong reaction to this and said, “Forget it, we will just go about living our own lives separately.”

Sara was taken aback by this reaction. Abe later identified that what he heard Sara say is that she doesn’t want to be with him. I pointed out to Abe that I actually thought Sara was making a bid for connection, on both an emotional and physical level. Sara clarified her intention. She wanted to be with him very much, but it was too painful to ignore the emotional distance between them. This was hard for Abe to see. 

On an unconscious level, Abe was doing what we all do. He was reading Sara’s responses through a lens that was familiar to him: he is not important, and his needs don’t matter. This is Abe’s experience from childhood. Our strongest reactions are clues that indicate that we are being triggered, not from present interaction, but from a past pattern of experiences. Living within the adult Abe is a young version of himself that struggles to feel heard and respected. The young part of himself hijacks his emotional responses to Sara at times and he is left to cope with the pain in the way that was most adaptive in the past, by withdrawing. Unfortunately, these reactions create emotional distance in his marriage.

What if Abe were able to identify his primary emotion? Rather than feel his anger at perceived disrespect, what if he identified the pain of feeling that he doesn’t matter? What if he were able to articulate to Sara why it is so uncomfortable for him to visit her family? He might say, “I wish so much you could understand that so we could work something out. When you insist on going, I get that very familiar feeling that I frequently experienced growing up, which is that I don’t matter.”

With this self-aware, vulnerable communication, Sara is more likely to hear Abe and is more likely to be able to respond more sensitively. And then, Abe may get exactly what he’s been craving all along – consideration and respect. Sara may respond, “I hear you. I wonder if there is something I can do to make it more comfortable for you when we go, or is there a frequency of visits that we can compromise on that will make it more tolerable?” There starts a negotiation that takes into account both their needs.

I believe that the most important tool in marriage is the ability to hold two realities. I often demonstrate what I mean to clients by holding up one hand, palm open to reflect one reality, and then the other hand palm open, to reflect the second. When both people in a relationship are able to understand and hold both realities at the same time–for example, Abe’s distress and Sara’s need for contact with her family–then they can begin to negotiate a way to have both their needs met. I have yet to encounter a time when both realities were identified and viewed as understandable, that a couple wasn’t able to find a place in the middle that felt really okay to both. That magic meeting place is where the joy of connection and positive attachment is made.

Our greatest hurts most often find their roots in our past. We can enhance communication by identifying and communicating our primary emotions. Most of the time, our primary emotion is hurt, and anger is secondary. Anger pushes our partner away and elicits defensiveness. Hurt is more vulnerable and most often will elicit responsiveness, and so communicating our hurt can only help our relationships. What also helps, and is so important, is working on and fine-tuning the ability to hold two realities, our own and our partner’s. Both have validity and both need to be understandable, not necessarily in light of present day circumstances, but also considering past experiences and gender differences.

Imagine being asked, “What’s the problem with marriage?” and being able to respond, “Problem? I don’t know what you mean. Marriage has been the biggest catalyst for my personal growth and expansion of self-awareness. No problem with marriage.”

Dvorah Levy, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Cedarhust and Flatbush, New York. Dvorah is a psycho-dynamically oriented therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, Gestalt and EMDR. She specializes in relationship work: dating, marriage and parenting, grief, anxiety, depression and trauma. Dvorah can be reached at (516) 660-7157.