I love kids.

Mine.

The baby in the carriage on the checkout line in the grocery.'

My nieces and nephews. My nieces' and nephews kids.

The whole lot of them.

Which is why my clients' babies often find themselves in session. When their mother can't find babysitters. When the hassle of a babysitter just makes getting to therapy that much harder. When my clients just want to show off their delicious blue or pink bundles.

As a therapist, watching my clients and their babies, toddlers, or even school-age children gives me insight into their attachment styles. Into their ability to mother others even as they struggle with mothering themselves. And sometimes, where they are limited in their ability to be mothers. Insight into what had been lacking in their childhoods when they had been mothered.

There's been lots of studies done on attachment. And throughout my columns I have definitely touched on them. But my article on the borderline mother created such a traffic jam in my inbox, that I wondered if my readers want to understand their attachment styles, how it may have evolved, and how it impacts their lives today in their relationships with others most important to them.

There are four basic attachment styles.

Secure. Avoidant. Ambivalent. Disorganized.

Let's talk about the kind of parent that produces each of these types of attachment styles.

Which type of parent produces a securely attached child?

A parent who is aligned with the child and in tune with a child's emotions; consistently responsive to her child. It's the parent who feeds her infant when he cries, recognizes when a pamper needs to be changed, is there when a toddler needs to be soothed with a hug, a kiss, and a smile. Takes joy in her child's presence, coos to him, talks to him, notices when the sun is in her eyes and moves the carriage to face a different direction. The child of this parent is confident in his ability to get his needs met.

The parent who is inconsistent; sometimes attentive, sometimes intrusive or overbearing causes the ambivalent or anxious attachment style. The parent who doesn't allow anyone to touch their infant for fear of germs, deadly diseases, or a number of any feared consequences; but otherwise will ignore that same child's cries when she needs to be held, soothed, or simply talked to. Perhaps the depressed parent, the one who stays in bed with feelings of overwhelm but a few hours later will engage in baking cupcakes. The parent who involves herself in her child's activities with friends, to the point of intruding on his privacy; then abandons the child to a strange babysitter without saying goodbye. This child is clingy and anxious, never sure when and how he will get his needs met.

A parent who is unavailable or rejecting causes an avoidant attachment. The mother who finds her children annoying, is long hours at work, rarely smiles at their child, has no interest in games or hugs or to hear about the child's day. Has no patience to feed her baby who ends up with a propped up bottle more often than not. Whose pamper is changed roughly, with disgust, robotically. This child knows his needs will never be met. There are no expectations anymore.

Disorganized attachment occurs when a parent ignores or doesn't even notice a child's needs to begin with. When a parents behavior is traumatic or frightening to child. Loud yelling. Slapping across the face. Inappropriate anger. Inappropriate punishment. This child is confused, severely disorganized because he has absolutely no clue how to get his needs met.

When a child grows up, these attachment patterns manifest itself in adult characteristics.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the following?

If you are able to create meaningful relationships and set appropriate boundaries with others—workmates, friends, spouse and children—you probably have a secure attachment style. You do not worry you will be abandoned by those you love or that they will stop loving you. It's okay with you to be dependent on others when you need them, and also to have others dependent on you. You like getting close with others and are confident that others like being close to you to.

Are you anxious, insecure, controlling, blaming, or unpredictable? In contrast to those traits, are you also sometimes quite charming? You may be exhibiting the ambivalent attachment style. You want to get close to others but always worry about not being loved enough. You are so anxious about being close to others, that sometimes you try to merge completely into that person that you love. And inevitably, your smothering causes exactly the reaction you fear; that person withdraws from you.

If you are distant, critical, rigid, or intolerant; if you avoids closeness or emotional connections, you have the avoidant attachment style. You don't like being too close to others. You need your space so much you may as well live on an island. You can't trust others, you get nervous from closeness, to fly from being dependent on others and not letting anyone depend upon you.

Chances are that if you breed chaos around you, are explosive, insensitive, even verbally or physically abusive, your attachment is Disorganized. You are untrusting even when craving security and attachment. And while you are reading this, you don't even realize you are reading about yourself, although your daughter who is reading this recognizes you immediately. You are often the borderline mother.

It matters to know your attachment style because awareness if the first step to change the three styles that impair relationships with the people that matter to you most.

Here are three ways to change your attachment style.

Believe it or not, the first way is to marry someone who has a healthy attachment style! So if you did already, embrace it and begin to learn from your spouse. Open yourself to realize s/he does not have the same insecurities and patterns you have and you can stop being anxious about being loved, you can stop avoiding your spouse for fear your needs won't be met. Because your spouse is securely attached and is actually capable of meeting your needs if you just allow him, if you begin to trust, if you also recognize your own attachment style and where your expectations are distorted.

A second method is self-regulation. Meaning you can become aware of your behavior, the thoughts and feelings that drive them, the bodily symptoms that clue you in to those behaviors, and in that way regulate those negative emotions and thoughts to improve your daily actions. Journaling can be helpful. Mindfulness can do the trick. Self help books and exercises. Choose one. Or ten.

A third way is to enter therapy. The therapeutic relationship is a reparative one. In a safe environment in which a therapist knows you, sees you, when your dysfunctional patterns begin to emerge, the therapist brings your behavior into the awareness of the here-and-now experience, allowing you to initiate changes. So if you avoid closeness with your therapist (avoidant), or if you become needy and clingy (ambivalent); even if you become critical, nasty, or untrusting (disorganized), your therapist will help you work through these behaviors in ways that your behavior changes will manifest itself outside of therapy as well.

The funny thing I noticed? When I write my articles, I feel a thread of connection to my readers. We know each other through the words on this page. Don't you feel the same?

Hey, are we securely attached or what?

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE AS A FEATURE ARTICLE

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