Let me tell you about a terrible thing I once did as a teacher.

I worked for a kiruv school at one point, teaching junior high school to students who were mostly first and second generation immigrants of various countries. There was a silent hierarchy that had evolved in which second generation immigrant students held first generation immigrants in contempt. Worst off were the children who themselves were immigrants.

The children had absolutely no knowledge or connection to the Holocaust and I struggled to figure out how to make the Holocaust relevant to their lives, shock them out of their complacency that such a thing could never happen in our contemporary world. Even more, as we began our Holocaust unit, I wanted to destroy any negative image they might have of religious Jews, namely the fallacy that Jews went to their deaths as sheep to the slaughter, too weak to fight.

I will preface my terrible story by saying I was young and naïve, that I was too eager, too creative and did not think of the consequences of my actions; and nobody monitored my classroom.

I walked into my unsuspecting class, before they even knew we were embarking on a unit of Holocaust Studies, and called their attention with utmost seriousness.

“Girls,” I said, “Mrs Bernstein will be starting a new club for Junior High school students.”

There was a ripple of excitement through the class, not only because of the club, but because Mrs. Berstein was the most popular, dynamic teacher in the school and the girls adored her.

I then continued talking very matter-of-factly (although my speech was well-rehearsed). “Mrs. Bernstein’s club is only for girls who speak English fluently. In addition, any girl whose mother or father is an immigrant cannot be part of the club. If someone has either a mother or father an immigrant, then Mrs. Berstein will do interviews to determine if there is at least one set of grandparents who were born in the USA. There is also preference given to girls who have blue eyes even if they are immigrants.”

As soon as I finished, and even before, a shock wave had hit the girls.

A quick scan of the room revealed a number of reactions.

Some girls had great, big smiles pasted across their faces, gleeful at their easy entry into the club. Mariah, whose mother was an immigrant and father was not, sat in stunned silence, tears streaming down her face. There was some incensed muttering slithering up and down the aisles, and then one girl stood up next to Mariah and said quietly and reassuringly, “Mariah, you will get in, you will see.”

It was an ugly scene. And when I noticed it, I immediately broke into a laugh and said, “Girls, I was joking! And let me tell you about this joke.”

But I was sick to my stomach.

Nobody had gotten up to protest. Nobody had said, “Mrs. Blumenfeld, that is so unfair! We can’t let that happen! Mariah and everyone else should be allowed in the club or else none of us will join!”

I was sick to see the girls who were gleeful in their complacency, the girls who were angry but were afraid to speak up, to see Mariah’s tears of helplessness.

No leaders arose to challenge me, the followers ranged from angry to apathetic. Even that one girl who stood sympathetically by Mariah, dared not raise her voice higher than a whisper.

All that night I was afraid my principal would learn of this little experiment, would call me and fire me for my careless actions that had revealed the baser side of humanity in the classroom.

I have never forgotten that incident, although twenty years later, I am grateful to have forgotten their names and faces. All, except for Mariah.

I am both repulsed and fascinated by what happened and I wonder what makes one person a leader, another a follower. I think what it means to be a leader. What it means to be a follower. And the responsibilities of each.

As with anything, there are both good and bad leaders. Meaning, they lead successfully (think Stalin and Hitler) but their leadership is about ideas and actions that are immoral, unethical, destructive. On a smaller level, think of the Class Queens that use their leadership abilities to torment others, to rally the class in undermining the teacher.

Nature versus nurture? What breeds a leader?

In studies about leaders, the characteristics common to them are outgoingness, intelligence, competence, self-confidence, social assertiveness, a will to dominance, and physical attractiveness. (These characteristics can go both ways; to form evil leadership or good leadership.)

But these same studies reveal that nurture plays a much greater role in creating a leader. Which is why there are plenty of ugly, short, even handicapped leaders (think Roosevelt sitting in his wheelchair).

But as this article interests itself with leadership as it pertains to us, ordinary people raising our children, living as either leaders or followers, let’s focus on how we influence the birth of positive leadership.

Education and opportunities to handle challenges are fundamental to generating a leader.

Little biology lesson here.

Infants are born with about a hundred billion neurons (if you don’t know what neurons are, then Google). Within seconds of being born, neural pathways are being created in the brain. As a baby grows, these pathways become denser and richer with each new experience in the baby’s life. Parents of potential leaders are those that provide information-rich environments that encourage growth of these neural pathways.

Information refers to knowledge to experience new ideas (the science of water from the very first bath in the kitchen sink) and handling challenges (allowing a child the challenge to soap himself figuring out how to handle its slipperiness).

Children who grow up to be leaders are open-minded, unafraid to experiment with new concepts and experiences. And this cycle of a dual exposure to knowledge and challenge builds continuously those neural pathways that promote critical and creative thinking; expanding the natural ability each person is born with (but is only developed through challenge and knowledge) to engage in critical analysis, to connect relationships between seemingly unconnected objects that is crucial to creative, out-of-the-box thinking a leader needs.

What differentiates a leader is reflective intelligence. Reflective intelligence is the ability to assemble the given information and calculate options for action prior to action. It’s the ability to manipulate variables intelligently and creatively.

Leaders are not born, they are raised.

How do I know? Because, the funny thing is that our default setting is following. Not leading.

Because the first leader-follower relationship we are exposed to (drumroll here) is the mother-infant dyad. And every person is born a follower.

Here’s how it works. Within minutes of birth, an infant is already mimicking the mother’s facial expression. At nine months, a baby tracks an object that a mother is looking at, and then checks back with the mother that they are both looking at the same thing. It is only at fourteen months that the baby can demonstrate initiative and leadership; to direct the mother’s gaze to what he wants her to look at.

Heady stuff for a baby. A taste of leadership. But only accomplished if the mother is attentive and attuned to allow this neural pathway space to grow.

Ever heard of imprinting?

Geese do that. When goslings are born, they attach to the first object they see. The mother goose, we hope. But in experiments in which a person was the first object in that gosling’s line of sight, then the gosling imprinted on the person.

We imprint on our parents first and foremost. We are followers before we are anything else. If our parents allow the freedom to learn and do things for ourselves, to allow for opportunities to try things out, like pouring milk for cereal by myself, to put on socks by myself, to smear peanut butter by myself, even though it makes a mess, it’s annoyingly slow, then that child has the prerequisite childhood of leadership (Thanks Mom and Dad!).

Good leadership is defined by responsibility, not power. Margaret Thatcher once said, “Being powerful is like being a lady; if you have to say it, you aren’t.”

And that responsibility means believing in one’s followers that they are capable of greatness, of setting goals that are obtainable but requires stretching one’s self, and motivating by example. It means earning the respect of one’s followers, inviting critique, and knowing that the goals of any leadership is not about the leader; it’s about the individuals that make up the group.

I once heard a wonderful metaphor on how one recognizes a good leader. She is like a sponge when needing to absorb blame and criticism for the actions of the group she leads; she is like a strainer allowing the compliments and honor to be spread around to all the followers, needing to leave little or nothing for herself.

And who are these followers?

Are followers simply mindless sheep, unable to think for themselves, needing to follow blindly because they lack the ability to lead themselves?

No. No. NO.

What differentiates followers from leaders is not that they cannot be creative or get a job done; but only that they are simply not motivated to direct others. They are good team members.

There is a role of followers in any leadership. Logistically, there is no leader without a follower. And here is what followers need to be in order to create good leadership. A follower must be a valuable source of support by listening, reflecting, advising, questioning, and critiquing. Good followers legitimize their leaders by keeping the leader responsible and trustworthy. Followers have enormous influence on their leaders by the power of their presence.

A study on followers and leadership was called, “How Followers are Creating Change and Changing Leaders.”

In today’s culture of technology and social media, followers are gaining more and more power. Not only do leaders have responsibility as leaders, but followers have their own responsibility as followers. They support and aid a leadership when it is good; they must stand up and protest when it is corrupted or wrong.

Although followers are often less willing to use critical thinking or tolerate the views of others, good followers must acquire many of the qualities of a leader in order to bring out the best of its leader who will in turn bring out the best of the group. It is a cycle in which both leader and follower play pivotal roles their success.

Qualities like awareness of others and diplomacy. Knowing how to read others to assess whatever is upsetting that is interfering with the group morale or group goals; while still able to acknowledge differences. Qualities like courage and collaboration; to dissent with a leader; to be engaged with others who may be different or have different ideas and opinions. Qualities like tolerance and creativity; bringing out the best in others while remaining authentic to one’s self.

The million (or billion) dollar question is did Bill Gates create the Microsoft computer or did he lead others in this brilliant endeavor?

I don’t know, but although Bill Gates was named CEO of Microsoft, the company was both founded (together with Bill) and named by his childhood friend, Paul Allen.

Followers and leaders, nature and nurture.

My students in that long ago junior class beginning to learn the Holocaust and its lessons, most of all needed to learn to the qualities of good following. To protest what they should have viewed my announcement of a racist club, either as courageous followers or responsible leaders.

As a writer, I know that I too can only lead with tough followers.

And we do, me and you.

Originally published in BInah Magazine

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