NOTE: originally published by Binah Magazine
Here's the honest-to-goodness truth:
I wake up every morning excited to start my day. I love what I do, who I meet (yes, I mean you, my wonderful, interesting, and hard-working client!), and what I accomplish.
I love babysitting my grandchildren (even the one who shrugs her little one-year old shoulder at me and totally snubs me out), and I love having my married children over for Shabbos meals (even my single ones, too!).
I love my writing group and my Scrabble group and my yoga group.
I love my mother and sisters and spending the day with them. I love those Friday mornings snatched away with sisters-in-law in a cafe and I love shmoozing with my husband and the time we spend driving in the car together to the endless simchas we are invited to (no, I do not love those simchos even though I am soooo happy people are making simchos!).
I love reading and rollerblading and writing.
I I love feeding my family and baking challos and popping popcorn (and eating!)
I even love breathing. Which is a nice concept but not one I get to for the most part.
Breathing is a luxury.
Eating a chocolate bar one tiny, tiny bite at a time so I can savor the taste is a luxury. Sitting on a park bench and feeling the wind on my body and the sun on my face is a luxury. And holding my grandchild cheek to cheek without moving, smelling the yogurt on her breath, inhaling her scent, feeling the softness of her skin, indulging in the bliss of a baby is simply a luxury.
I do not know where I went wrong.
I do not know how my life became so busy with so many people and activities I love to do and when I fall into bed exhausted, exhilarated, and happy, I still do not understand where the day went, how so many things were still left undone, and how I can learn to breathe.
Breathing is nice. I do it during yoga at 6 o'clock in the morning. But it's so boring that my mind refuses to stay in my yoga class and my body does the work while my mind is off somewhere else. And again I forget to breathe. Until my instructor says, “Breathe.” (She is so annoying.) Because I am making lists. Ideas for articles. Wondering about my child's day. Figuring out what my client needs. Repeating to myself over and over again, “Don't forget to call So-and-So as soon as you get into the car.”
(You see, So-and-So? I told you I thought about you today tons! I just had so much to do in the car back home from yoga, that I forgot again to call!)
I am exhausted simply writing this.
I am up at 5am, and I am still at my computer typing this article at 11pm.
And my day is still not done.
Like I said, breathing is a nice idea but it doesn't quite fit into my life at this time.
And I am not the only one.
So mindfulness is becoming the buzz word. And it's buzzing so loud that I am getting a headache just trying to ignore it. And since I cannot ignore it, I begin to listen. And here is what I am learning.
I checked up the word mindfulness in the dictionary and here is the definition I found: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
Nice.
I like the way the definition automatically associates it with therapy. But there are two very important words that the definition forgot to include, which is absolutely an integral part of mindfulness. Those two words are without judgment. Mindfulness is about awareness of self without judgment. Because when we are judging ourselves, our emotions, our actions, and our bodily sensations, there is this critical voice running through our minds judging ourselves.
Because when I am involved in my fabulous busy life, enjoying it immensely, I am also constantly judging it. And here is what my brain on Unmindfulness sounds like:
“Oh great, it's already 5:15 and I am not out of bed. I am probably going to be late for my exercise class and then I am going to feel fat all day long. I'm here. Whew. So glad I made it. How am I going to make it through the class? I am exhausted already. And I have so much to do today. I know I am supposed to be following the instructor's lead but right now I must figure out what I should make for supper. Shnitzel three nights in a row is boring, fattening, and messy with all that oil shpritzing all over the place. I wish I could be like Rivky who just knows how to whip up healthy suppers. I don't understand how her kids like that string bean salad she makes. It's because I have boys. Boys don't eat string beans. At least mine don't. Or I am just a lousy mother....”
And all these thoughts are only a fraction of the first hour of my day. I have another 16 hours in which to judge myself, my actions as wife, mother, therapist, cook, launderess, writer, friend, yogi (that's a fancy word for someone who does yoga), and whatever.
Mindfulness is a way of life. Which I am beginning to work into my life. And into the lives of my clients. Because it has got all these amazing benefits.
Research results on mindfulness is beginning to emerge and here is what it is saying.
Mindfulness actually changes the structure of the brain, a concept that you may be familiar with known as neuroplasticity. (Scientists used to think that once we reach adulthood, our brain structure remains basically frozen until we start to age and then it begins to—in my unscientific words—unfreeze and melt into mush. Well, the good news is that the brain never stops changing! And it is continually possible to make positive brain changes to enhance one's life.)
These changes in brain structure caused by mindfulness can reduce stress (because it lowers the presence of cortisol, a stress hormone that when continuously released wreaks havoc on brain structure), increase a sense of self, increase the ability to be empathic, and improve memory.
Totally makes sense to me. If I would be mindful where I put those car keys, I would actually remember where they are instead of spending those extra ten minutes that I wanted to spend davening trying to find those dumb keys. (Oops, there I go again judging my actions instead of being compassionately mindful...)
Mindfulness actually lowers blood pressure, improves brain function, boosts the immune system and minimizes pain sensitivity.
Mindfulness if about the regulation of attention, about having true awareness of body, about non-judgmental self awareness, and about the regulation of your emotions, again without judgment.
Mindfulness is about being a better person; if you can have compassion for yourself, a non-judgmental attitude towards yourself, it allows that compassion to flow in the direction of others as well.
Yes. I agree. Mindfulness is wow.
How am I spending my day if I am not mindful?What's the opposite of mindfulness?
In forgetfulness.
That's how most of us are. We are not really there a lot of the time. Our minds are caught up in our worries, fears, anger, regrets, resentments, and sadness. We are in those states but we are not even mindful about being there. How is that possible? Very much so. When I am irritated at my child, because he does not eat lunch at school, I am aware that I am irritated, but I am totally unaware that my irritation is really not the primary emotion. Worry is. Worried that he cannot function properly without food. And maybe guilt. That I should prepare him lunch from home like so many of his friends have. So guilt and worry are actually my emotions if I would be mindful of them, but I am only aware of irritation or anger.
In forgetfulness we are caught in the past or future; we are not in the present moment, living our lives authentically.
If we live mindfully, we learn to stop talking. Not only that endless chatter that streams from our mouths, but that mindless monologues that goes on and on inside of our heads. Silence is essential. Silence of the tongue and brain. Of the mouth and mind.
So how do we begin to live our lives mindfully?
Great question. I was wondering the same thing considering that I already wake up at 5am and do not have another second to be mindful, if you want to know the truth!
People talk about mindfulness meditation. Sounds scary. Complicated. Very not Jewish or Normal.
That is why I love Wikipedia. It can tell me about anything before I get nervous. And this is what I found: Formal mindfulness, or meditation, is the practice of sustaining attention on body, breath or sensations, or whatever arises in each moment. Informal mindfulness is the application of mindful attention in everyday life.
Here is what I learned about mindfulness meditations. I can engage in a formal meditation practice in which I can stop whatever I am doing and breathe in and out, mindful of my breath, bodily sensations, and what I am feeling or thinking without judgment. Which is nice, but if I do this, I need to skip breakfast. Or, I can engage in informal mindfulness meditation exercises which can be something as simple as meditating while I am doing something I need to do anyways. Like brushing my teeth or walking from my car to my office or listening to my client. I can do mindful tooth- brushing, mindful walking, mindful eating, or mindful listening. Instead of the racing thoughts that categorize our daily lives, it's being totally present in the experience.
If I love chocolate, and I am anyways going to snatch a half a bar from my cabinet and stick it into my car to eat on my way to yoga—Little break here. Anybody notice the weird juxtaposition of all these things? yoga—chocolate—snatching--? Doesn't add up, does it? Mindfully honest? Totally not. I should not be eating chocolate for breakfast on my way to exercise. But sometimes I do. And if I am doing that, why not be mindful of what I am doing? I can take a little bite and suck on the piece in my mouth. Feel the saliva swishing around, the taste on my tongue, the way it feels when it melts, the memories of chocolate that begin to float through my mind, the way my body feels enjoying the sensations. I can experience all this without judging my eating habits. My guilt about skipping breakfast for chocolate. About my hypocrisy doing exercise and eating chocolate that may undo any benefits. I can just be in the moment, no past guilt intruding, no future worries crowding. Mindful. I can do that. (Or, I can choose to mindfully drive instead. Which might help me avoid accidents.)
I was a at a workshop recently, and the excellent lecturer presented a most novel concept (novel to me!). He said that it is impossible to feel more than one thing at any one time. What we are actually experiencing is a rapid succession of many feelings that appears to be a variety of feelings happening at once. As a writer, I am definitely guilty of having my characters feel a “mix of emotions.”
What mindfulness does is break down this succession of thoughts and feelings so we can experience them each in its pure form. That we can be aware of each shift, subtle and as quickly changing as they may be.
Mindfulness is life-altering.
I know that must be true, because as I learn more and more about mindfulness, it amazes me that no matter how much I love my life, the fabulous people in it, the wide range of activities that I enjoy, if you ask me to bring up a single powerful mindful experience, I will inevitably go back to a memory in high school.
I clearly remember lying on my back, the sun on my face, the grass tickling my back from under my thin uniform blouse, the warm weight of my baby niece lying on my stomach, the way her breath snuffled into my face and nose, the utter peacefulness of being there in the moment with nothing and nobody past or future that mattered except for that mindful moment of love.
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