Question: I know this is a funny question to ask now when it's in the middle of the winter, but I need to make a decision now about the summer. We want to buy a summer home in a new bungalow colony that is opening up in the Catskills, but I am worried. In general, I do not have friends, and I had a hard time making friends in high school. My children are outgoing, like my husband, and are begging me to go. I do not have sisters and my mother, who I don't particularly get along with, lives overseas. I wonder if it would be an opportunity to belong somewhere and make friends.
Answer:
My first (totally Untherapeutic) response was, “I should have your problems.” Which, in my defense, only shows that therapists (I like to think and hope you do too) are humans too. So now that I have revealed my humanness in that I can actually have a knee jerk reaction to someone who is having a problem whether or not to buy a summer home, now I can get in therapist mode and respond
responsibly! Because I know the problem you speak of is real and can cause deep pain and hurt.
Here is what I now know about you: you are probably financially well off (if you can afford to buy a summer home), do not have friends, have a husband and children who are socially savvy in ways you are not, you have no sisters (brothers?), you have an impaired relationship with your mother (no mention of a father?), and are optimistic despite it all (opportunities still interest you).
I respect you for that optimism that enables you to think that maybe, maybe something good can happen, my life can be better, I can make friends. But honestly? Such a place is certainly not the therapy you are looking for.
It does not sound like you grew up in the bungalow colony and although this is not an article on the finer things in life, it sounds like you have expectations about your summer home that may be more realistic in a bungalow colony setting.
Entering a bungalow colony versus a summer home (you know what I mean: mice-infested, mosquito-infested, mold-infested, freeze-pop-wrapper-infested grass) when you are a young mother may be condusive to such an opportunity of belonging. Everyone is outside in a circle, watching the little ones, and even if you do not know anyone, your children end up playing with the others, making you a part of it. A summer home, on the other hand, is more of the nanny-cleaning lady variety in which there are no circles of socialization because the children are being tended to by other, and to meet someone you need to go to the pool area, join an exercise class in someone's basement, or knock on doors.
Your children may find it more of a social setting than you because their bikes (or motorized vehicles) can take them the range of the colony in ways you cannot.
But that doesn't mean you should not buy a summer home. It doesn't mean you won't find the belonging you want. But in order to do that, your winter may need to be spent differently to prepare yourself for this opportunity.
You have lots of things going for you. Social family members. Awareness of what you lack and what you want. Financial stability. Use them to your advantage.
I would challenge you to explore yourself as you are now. Your status among people who know you since you are married, not those who went to school with you. Take stock of your strengths. For example, although your children may gotten your husband's social genes, if they are excited to venture out into a new colony, then that comes with confidence and the ability to try new things. Can you take (some) credit for their wholesomeness?
What are your talents? Interests? How do you express them? Do you even take care of your needs, emotional, spiritual, and physical? Do you fargin yourself?
Are you truly friendless or do have sisters-in-law with whom you are very close? Often, we think family doesn't count as friends, but I would venture to say that those people whose family becomes their close friends are healthy individuals. How is your relationship with your husband. Is he your friend? Perhaps you are an introvert, need few people, but compare yourself to others and think you need to copy them? Chances are you can point to neighbors, a cousin, a sister-in-law, your husband and notice your solid relationship.
And if you truly do not have any friends, even among family, with whom do you interact? If you are getting a sinking feeling in your stomach as you read this and are thinking, “I really have nobody,” then it's time to take an even harder look at yourself and uncover the source of this. You say your relationship with your mother is impaired. How bad is it? How has your sense of self been damaged by this relationship? Your confidence and dignity? Your ability to uncover your talents and take risks?
Buying a summer home can be simply owning a home in the mountains with fresh air and a pool and a park for the children just a few feet away. If that is enough for you, then go for it. But if you are expecting it to fill a need within you, you are best avoiding a situation that will set you up for failure. Patterns of the past will not be undone by a new environment, same as it hasn't when you married and moved into your new home.
Take some of the money you have and do something productive with it. Do selfish things like exercise, taking a babysitter to have time with your spouse, to go out with a friend or relative that enjoys your company. Take art classes or that piano lesson you wished you had as a child. Become involved in chessed that interests you. Whether volunteering with children, or behind the scenes in creating a Chinese Auction doing what you are good at.
Go to therapy to figure this all out.
Build yourself as a person so that by the time the summer comes along, you won't enter the gates with a desperate feeling of “I hope this works out”; “I hope I make friends.” Instead, you will walk in with an excitement of feeling okay and the promise of a new start.
And invite me for Shabbos. I will take the guest room with the private jacuzzi.
NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE
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