Of all my columns, my article on mothers with borderline personality disorder has evoked the most passionate responses. Teens and adult children of mothers BPD thanked me for validating their experiences and giving them a voice. Mothers, recognizing for the first time their behavior in terms of a possible BPD diagnosis, reached out for help. And then I received two more emails from mothers with BPD. And I owe them a public apology. Because in my article I failed to address the BPD mother who is aware of her diagnosis, who is in therapy, who is engaging in the most courageous struggle to be the mother her children are lucky to have.

Here are their words:

Your article on mothers with BPD made me feel deeply saddened and misunderstood. I am sure that you do not deal with BPD clients, as you wouldn't betray us so deeply. And you would've come to know us as the beautiful and struggling human beings that we truly are.
So now let me tell you who we really are. I was abused repeatedly as a child. I was also valedictorian, GO head, and editor of my school newspaper. I was also the girl who my teachers would ask to include and befriend the lonely, shy girls. I had solid, meaningful friendships and I volunteered for many chessed organizations. I have a huge heart and a dark, twisted, very sad head. When I got married, I was forced to stop hiding and running. And I started cutting. If you were to peg me to one of your two BPDs, I would be forced into your second category. But I'm not like that at all. I don't manipulate people and I don't have unreasonable anger. My devoted and loving husband whom I've been supporting for over 10 years in kollel is home every evening and my 3 kids are stable, well taken care of and well adjusted kids. They have an open, stable, warm and loving relationship with my husband and myself.
There's this mom in my DBT group that put her 6 figure career on hold while she takes care of her emotional health. I don't know about you, but I seriously respect that.
In my therapy group, what I hear most is how the parents there want to work hard, take responsibility, and recover in order to be better parents.

What about my BPD, you ask? I sometimes hate myself so much. I feel such emptiness at times that I want to die to escape the pain. I used to be convinced that its impossible for anyone to love me.

Studies show that 90% of people with BPD experienced serious trauma in childhood. In reaction to that trauma the amygdala has been activated to the extent that they are constantly in fight or flight mode. Hence, the extreme rage or unregulated responses to perceived threat.
But you know what? I'm not looking for validation or sympathy here. My therapy program has taught me to rewire my brain to the extent that I can give myself that validation. While my diagnosis has helped me understand my behaviors and feelings, I take full responsibility for how I react, respond and, above all, treat others.

***
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and and have been seeing a therapist for many years. I am also a brand new mother of all but 2 and a half weeks at the time of reading the article. Needless to say, the article left me feeling hopeless and panicked. Mindy had painted a horrific future for my brand new baby. I felt sad and guilty about her seemingly inevitable future until I made the decision that none of what I read was relevant to me.

***

BPD does not define me. I am a mother, a wife, a legal professional, a friend, and a daughter. I happen to be struggling with BPD as well. I’m undeservedly blessed because I’m healing. My days of psych wards, paralyzing darkness and constant instability are b”H fading.

***

So for those of you who read my article in despair, because you recognize yourself as the mother with BPD and you future looks bleak, know that this is the second part of the picture. The reality of healing of help and of hope.

But that healing comes with extreme dedication and the need for support from not only the family, but of also of the community. All of us need to support the borderline mother because it is a difficult journey.

My email writer describes her journey to health consisting of the following: 6 years of twice weekly therapy. Funds for a nanny. The local Bikur cholim sponsoring weekly suppers and babysitting funds when she was in her therapy program; a 2 year commitment to meet twice-weekly for two hours of group and 1 hour of individual therapy. She writes of the necessity of occasional Shabbos retreats to rest from the strenuous emotional toll of therapy. She speaks of her husband’s Rosh Yeshiva who gave her hours of his time listening and talking, of her husband’s rav who was supportive and encouraging to her husband, referring them to good therapists.

A mammoth endeavor towards healing.

The gold standard of therapy treatment for clients with BPD is called DBT. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. The word dialectical means the integrating of two diametrically opposed concepts. Specifically the paradoxical reality of the need for client change, but the acceptance of the borderline client as she is. This therapy encompasses many parts, of which individual and group therapy is mandated; as well as phone coaching and skills to be learned. There are 4 specific DBT skills that are taught; mindfulness and distress tolerance—acceptance of what is, and interpersonal effectiveness and emotional regulation—changing the nature of interpersonal relationships and emotions.

But not all clients with BPD need such extensive treatment because there is a continuum of borderline along a spectrum of various degrees of severity.

Once, BPD was considered a therapist's nightmare; today there is statistically proven successful treatments.

So I apologize once more for those mothers with BPD who are not the mothers of my previous article, because they are heroically taking steps to heal. And they give hope to not only the other BPD parents who read my article and reached out for help; but for all of us, that if we care enough about our children, we can be the mothers we want to be.

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE IN RESPONSE TO THE PREVIOUS ARTICLE THE BORDERLINE MOTHER 

Look me up on LINKEDIN  https://www.linkedin.com/in/mindy-blumenfeld-a8067583   

Check out my book THERAPY SHMERAPY,  available in bookstores and through Amazon

Browse through my previously published articles on my former blog Therapy Thinks and Thoughts at frumtherapist.com/profile/MindyBlumenfeldLCSW

Read current articles in my bi-weekly column THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE in Binah Magazine, available on newsstands every Monday.