So how was your Shabbos?

            Didn't know you had a narcissistic mother, did you? Or spouse? Or somebody-or-other in your life? Until you read Part 1 of the Narcissistic Mother in my column. And now you are blown away with understanding what you have lived with until now. Why you have always blamed yourself, lost confidence in yourself, don't trust yourself, feel guilty for no reason. And now you are waiting for some words of wisdom—or magic—that will take you out of the funk that you are in and restore you to the self you used to be—you could be—before narcissism confused your world.

            So here is Part 2.

            How to survive the narcissist's influence on you. How to dig yourself out from under the narcissistic who is part of your life. How to be healthy and stay healthy. What this article is NOT about is the narcissist who is so unhealthy and toxic that the relationship must be severed in order to stop the poison and slow death by selfishness. Although, there are people reading this who may be experiencing that degree of toxicity.

            So first of all, narcissists can be lovable, responsible, creative, and successful. Which may be why you love your mother, attracted to your spouse, enjoy your sibling or respect your work-mate.

            There are two types of narcissists. Vulnerable ones and grandiose ones. While both act grandiose, with an inflated ego, those that are vulnerable are only masking their insecurities while those that are grandiose actually believe in their superiority. Even more, their superiority may even be a realistic assessment of their achievements. Grandiose narcissists can be pretty content and happy with their lives, emotionally stable, more agreeable; in contrast to the vulnerable ones who are less emotionally stable, less agreeable, and more manipulative in their unhappiness and insecurities.

            Vulnerable narcissists are more likely, therefore, to be more subtle in their machinations at undermining others; while the grandiose narcissist is more likely to brashly steamroll over others. Knowing these differences are important when dealing with narcissists in your life. While both bruise easily because of the narcissistic wounds they carry, the hole in their heart that needs to be always on top to feel good; the grandiose one can tolerate human interactions more readily when it is perceived as beneficial to their well-being. The vulnerable narcissist is so vulnerable that any less-than-agreeable interaction feels deadly to their well-being.

            Here are some tips.

            Know which type you are dealing with and what motivates the behavior.

            A vulnerable narcissist's behavior is motivated by the need to push others down so she can always be one-up. A grandiose one doesn't think about others to begin with and will push their way to the top without looking down at the bodies he is stepping on.

            Knowing that, when talking to a vulnerable narcissist, give her enough reassurance of her worth  to calm her manipulative behaviors (but not too much that will fan her narcissism even more); and to a grandiose narcissist, pointing out where changing his behavior needs to be changed for his personal success will be really effective. Narcissists feel only shame, not guilt.

            It can look something like this:

            A narcissistic woman just made a shidduch. She wants everything her way. The flowers. The band. The color scheme. The presents her daughter, the kallah, gets. The mechutanim are getting a little annoyed dealing with her, and her husband doesn't want to create a bad relationship.

            If she is the vulnerable type, her husband can reassure her that she has the best taste and validate her eye for beauty. Decreasing her vulnerability can allow her to compromise with the mechutanim as long as she can come home to her husband who will commiserate with her on the less-than-ideal flower arrangements.

            With a grandiose narcissist, the husband can use humor to deflect the situation, and appeal to her successes. He can point out to her that her reputation is more important than the color scheme and getting along with the mechutanim will further her success in the community.

            Here's another tip.

            The narcissist can really get under your skin, so don't ignore your feelings. Acknowledge your annoyance and regulate your emotions so that your interactions with the narcissists feel within your control and not at the capricious hands of the narcissist.

            Your mother demands that you send your daughter over for a Shabbos meal, even though you have repeatedly told her that Shabbos is when your family eats together. If you acknowledge your feelings of annoyance, remember her narcissism, and use tools to regulate your feelings during that phone call, chances are you can remain calm instead of flying off the handle, reacting from a calm place rather than a dysregulated one. Because otherwise, your loss of control that inevitably causes you to respond with chutzpah will either propel you to send your daughter over to your mother, or ruin the Shabbos meal if she remains. Resentment fueling the former, guilt the second. Or both!

            A third tip is to reward the narcissists in your life for good behavior, not good words. When they come through with successful behavior, not just grandiose talk about what they are going to do. Because narcissists need approval and can often be perfectly able to be successful. But it needs to be in their best interests. So if they are rewarded with a good supper, increased responsibility at work, or public praise, you get lucky with their best behavior.

            Tip four is that when dealing with narcissists, firm boundaries are a must. That means not to try and reason with a narcissistic. Or try to prove you're right. It needs to be enough to know that you are. Just walk away.

            What narcissists do best is undermine the people around them so much so that their self confidence and independence becomes eroded.  Remember that they are so manipulative that you may find yourself doubting yourself. So tip #5 is don't.

            The nice thing to know about narcissists is that they don't associate with losers. So if you are a spouse or daughter-in-law or employee of a narcissist, know that you are probably some sort of winner. And hold on to that as narcissist both uses you to feed his or her narcissism yet feels challenged by your success.

            As always, in dealing with complex relationships and situations, oftentimes the consultation of a therapist may be necessary. And oftentimes, consultation with a rav is key as well. And usually, collaboration with both may be crucial in order to navigate those fine lines of familial and work relationships that are both meaningful and miserable.

            And here's my advice to the narcissistic. Work on boundaries. Consideration. Practice awareness of self and the needs of others. Keep promises. Let go of negative emotions. Forgive yourself instead of denying your misdeeds. Get yourself into therapy to do this stuff because you can't do it alone.

            The results for everyone?

            A relationship. Because that's what we all want.

            Selfishly!

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE

Look me up on LINKEDIN  https://www.linkedin.com/in/mindy-blumenfeld-a8067583   

Check out my book THERAPY SHMERAPY,  available in bookstores and through Amazon

Browse through my previously published articles on my former blog Therapy Thinks and Thoughts at frumtherapist.com/profile/MindyBlumenfeldLCSW

Read current articles in my bi-weekly column THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE in Binah Magazine, available on newsstands every Monday.