NOTE: This is the introductory article I wrote for my new column in Binah's Teen Magazine, Twirl that comes out quarterly. It's about relationships and has a bit of therapy in it...
People think that because I am a therapist, I should know everything. My kids totally crack up that people think I know anything because I am their mother and they know that I know nothing. Obviously my kids are teenagers.
So this column is to check out what I know, what you know, and how we can get along. Because I am a therapist and you are a teenager. Deadly combination, no?
So let me tell you what I do know.
I know that relationships matter.
Relationships between one teen and and another. Relationships between sisters. Relationships between a student and her teacher, between a daughter and a mother or father, between a granddaughter and her grandparent, between cousins. Even relationships with neighbors, principals, nieces who may be younger—or older; relationships between you and the old lady in the nursing home you visit every Shabbos.
Relationships matter. YOU matter. And sometimes, because you are a teenager and teenagers are not that normal all the time, or because sometimes the people around you may not be a hundred percent normal, relationships don't go as smoothly as you would wish.
And in steps me. A therapist. Writing this column about relationships. And how you can wave your wand, POOF, and the relationship in question will be perfect (ha, just kidding, not possible because my teenagers just broke the only wand I happened to own). But what I will try to do is talk about different relationships, how they can go wrong, how they can be right, how to cope, how to cry. Sometimes I will stick in some true stories. I will pretend they happened to former students (did you know I used to be a teacher?) or to clients (NO WAY, confidentiality would NEVER let me do that), but really, really, really, they will be about ME. When I used to be a teenager. And some stupid stuff I did to ruin relationships. And some smart things I did to have good ones. I was often a dopey teen.
So when I will begin a story, “Once I had a student” you will know—because you are reading this here—that I am really talking about myself. Unless I'm not.
So today I am going to talk about relationships between sisters.
I once had a student who could not stand her bratty younger sister. (Did you hear that? Now, don't forget it's about me. I'm only pretending it's about somebody else so I should not be embarrassed at myself for how I acted.)
Okay, okay. OKAY, I said.
I once had a younger sister who was a big pain in the neck. She claims I was a pain in her neck. It is possible that both of our necks were in extreme pain.
She was seven years younger than me and let me tell you all the horrible things I can tell you about her. She was much, much cuter than I was. I could not begin to compete with her cuteness. Especially when I was ten and she was three. She performed the “Three Little Kittens” in the bungalow colony and I got stage fright when I had a few lines in the color war play.
She was spoiled and never had to clean up the toys. So what if she was two years old? They were her toys, no?
I had to take her to school every morning. Not only her, but also her friend down the block. You try walking to school with two six years olds every morning when you are an eighth grader. So what if my friends thought they were so cute and talked to them all the way to school instead of to me? So what if her friend's mother bought me a gorgeous watch for Chanukah? Sure, I liked the watch, but I didn't like my sister.
My sister wanted to be with me all the time. Like, “Mindy, please read me a story,” and “Mindy, please can I come with you to the grocery?” and stuff like that. And she was always asking me if she could bring me a drink or sit next to me or watch what I am doing. Like I said, a huge pain in the neck.
If you are getting the idea that if anybody's neck should have been hurting, maybe it's yours from reading this column and flipping back and forth to see if what you are reading makes sense. Like, it sounds like Mindy thinks her little sister is a brat, but it's seems like you may be thinking that maybe Mindy was the brat. Because that little sister sounds cute.
And you know what? You are probably right.
My little sister was seriously cute. And I loved her to pieces. And could not stand her either.
Relationships with sisters can be like that. Love you, hate you.
And the reason that these things happen can be because of a lot of things.
Jealousy is one. Often one sibling can't stand the sibling right underneath her. She can't stand the one that took away her status of baby. Like my sister did. One minute I was Queen of the House, the next minute, I became the “Mindy-stop-bothering-the-baby-sister-stranger.”
Sibling rivalry is another. No two children are the same. And sometimes, the talents that one has seem better than the talents of another. It makes life easier to be smart in school than to be a whiz in the kitchen. Cute is even way better than smart.
Sometimes, and this is hard to say, parents favor one child over another. Maybe the oldest, maybe the youngest, maybe the one who is named after a deceased grandparent. Maybe even the child who has the easiest personality to get along with. So if one sister feels that her sibling is being favored, it creates bad feelings. My stubborn personality was definitely harder to deal with than my sister's sunny one. And she was the youngest. Still is.
Sometimes, a sister can really dislike her sister because her sister really does not act nicely. She borrows her dress, makes it dirty, and puts it back into the closet without taking responsibility. Or, she is stuck babysitting her sister when she would rather go out with friends, or study without distractions. (I really hated walking her to school every morning.)
All these things make the sister relationship complicated at times.
What to do?
First of all, if you are the older sister, know that your younger sister really adores you and wants your attention, even if you are only eleven months apart. Is there some way you can give it to her? If you are the younger sister, know that your older sister may need some space from you, or carries more responsibility than you do, and if you want her to stop hating you, you may want to stop tattling so much. Or whatever you are doing that is making her nuts. Like bothering her when she is studying. Or trying to become friends with her friends.
If your parents favor your sister, you may want to ask yourself why. Does she help easily, smile easily? Is it something about you? About her?
It may be hurtful, but even if your personalities cause a clash and make your parents yell at you to stop whatever it is that both of you are doing, you should know that having a sister still is worth it. Because if the two of you survive together, your friendship will be the best of any you can ever wish or dream for.
Of course, here I talked about normal sister stuff, and normal parent stuff, and normal family dynamics. If something different is going on, something that feels off to you in some way, or unfair, or weird, or very, very painful, then talk to your parents. If you can't talk to your parents, reach out to a teacher or grandmother or someone else that will listen.
Did I mention that I love my sister?
Yup. We are best friends now. And tell her I told you so. My birthday is coming up (sometime next year).
How did that happen?
We both agreed that our kids are way cuter than any of us.
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Check out my book THERAPY SHMERAPY, available in bookstores and through Amazon
Browse through my previously published articles on my former blog Therapy Thinks and Thoughts at frumtherapist.com/profile/MindyBlumenfeldLCSW
Read current articles in my bi-weekly column THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE in Binah Magazine, available on newsstands every Monday.