Mothers have been getting a bad rap in my column. The borderline. The narcissist. And I think it’s about time we give everybody equal opportunity here and let the guys be bashed for once. Heads up all you males who read my columns; this one’s about you!
Yes, there are borderline fathers. Most certainly there are narcissistic fathers. There are plenty of lousy fathers (a round of applause out there to the fathers who are doing a pretty fabulous job!), but what there is most of is the absent father.
A father may be absent because of death, divorce, or simply because he is emotionally or physically unavailable. And any kind of absence leaves its mark on the child. Extensive studies have shown how children with absent fathers are at greater risk for increased problem behaviors and negative feelings about themselves. Even physical wellbeing is increased with the protective aspect of the father presence. And these impact children over the entire life course. Because obviously, if a child is acting out in middle school, and has low self-esteem or self-worth, it affects his abilities to be successful with peers, at school, and then ultimately with adult relationships and responsibilities. And although father absence does not affect the cognitive abilities of a child, it impacts the child’s ability to use his intelligence in a functional way. For example, to study or graduate from school; to obtain and maintain a job.
Studies show that divorce impacts a child slightly more than does the death of a father, presumably because in a death, the child is left with a positive association of father. I would venture to say then, that fathers who are emotionally disengaged, especially those that are physically and emotionally abusive, depriving their children of that positive association are more harmful than those who have died.
Although these comprehensive studies show evidence of the importance of the father’s presence, they fail to explain why and how father love has such a great impact.
Believe it or not, the earlier one’s father disappears from one’s life, the greater the impact on functioning. Even if another male steps in the do the job. Which seems to make no sense if a child grows up without a biological father, but has a stepfather instead. Or grandfather who replaces the father. But that’s what the research shows.
And many of you who have lost your fathers to death, divorce, work, smartphones, mental illness, or simply indifference wonder if, and how, it explains the course of your life in which although everyone kept telling you how gifted or smart you are, either you did not believe it; or, if you knew it, it did not translate into success. Or why you struggled socially your whole life, battling with low self-esteem and even self-loathing.
Of course, there are many of you reading this who absolutely, vehemently disagree with everything I write here. Because you grew up without a father and you are perfectly fine. Or your child(ren) is growing up without a father and s/he is perfectly fine.
Great! Wonderful! I’m not arguing with you or the choices you have made or the life G-d has given you. This column is simply another way to understand your loss, how the loss may (or has) impacted you, and perhaps find a way to minimize those losses. And for those of you who are perfectly fine, thank you very much, I am perfectly fine with that too!
(Maybe this column is for the fathers, to understand how important they are to their children’s lives, and to put down their phone for that lousy half hour when they are finally home.)
So let’s talk about this power of the father.
In previous columns, I have mentioned Erik Erikson’s development model in which at every stage a person needs to acquire tools to master tasks of that age. While the first three stages occur before a child goes to school, helping us understand the importance of a father, it seems odd that even the stages occurring outside of the home is impacted by the home. In middle school, for example, children need to achieve industry versus inferiority. In this stage, children must achieve success with peers. Performing physically, academically, socially, and creatively all contribute to the industry of this stage. And for all of those, a father is needed to model appropriate behaviors; cheering a kid on when he studies, plays, or engages in extracurricular activities, encouraging and shaping peer relationships, developing a child’s interests, displaying positive regard, and demonstrating ethics and morals.
It’s stuff like setting rules, yet giving a child freedom to explore; joint family activities, while allowing for individuality; availability to help when needed, yet encouraging independence. It’s the secure base of home that allows for healthy trial and error outside its walls.
Practically speaking, it’s the father that often drives, gives the money, has the resources and time to offer the child the opportunities he needs to succeed. A family outing is not the same without the father—or with the father constantly on his phone. It’s great when a mother praises the project, but it packs more of a punch when Daddy does.
Mother-nurturing gives the child a different perspective of the world than the father-play which is often highly (physically) stimulating versus nurturing; an experience which allows children to learn how to regulate high arousal and test boundaries in a safe environment. Think of how a father throws his child up in the air, is usually more physically active, and more hands-on. Think of how fathers choose to spend time with their children; with board games, sports, or even a deck of cards. Doing versus being.
When a child plays with his father—often the way fathers interacts with children—it gives the child much more than just a good time. It teaches a child how to play by the rules, how to handle frustration of losing, how to figure out strategies for winning, how to cope with unexpected challenges. All tools for life, no?
While it’s true that a mother can do all this and should, a father achieves this uniquely.
In contrast to mothers who engage with children by schmoozing and gentle speech; fathers tend be louder, to ask questions like how, why, where, and when; a way of developing a child’s ability to think, to try new things.
It’s usually the father who is first ready—before the mother is—to allow the child to cross avenues by himself, to hop down the street to the grocery store for milk in the morning, to pour that milk alone.
Mothers are hoverers, fathers are movers…
And children need fathers who are keepers.
Originally published in Binah Magazine
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